I hear ya Tal...there are a few things that I feel strongly about, maybe not deal breaker issues, but to me, important ones that I laid out for my H early on in THIS reconciliation/cohabitation. I've asked my H on at least 3 occassions over the past 6 months and at least once in the past month that he have ALL his mail rerouted to our home address from his office and post office. I've YET to see it happen. I've even told him that if he's ashamed of some of the debt that he accrued during OUR 'down time' that he need not discuss them with me unless he needs help sorting thru it...but otherwise I have no desire to 'pry' into his finances...each time we've had this talk (or to be more exact...that I've had this talk) he yeses me to death...but that's it.
It angers me when he blows me off with a passive aggressive yes. It makes me suspicious, nervous etc...to me his moving ALL his bills etc back to the house is a sign of 'permanency' and his refusal to do so...is a sign (to me anyway) that he's keeping that one foot in the door just in case....
So I completely understand the frustration of the 'sure I will Honeys"...only to see NO ACTION on their part afterwards. T2
sooo...today we had a breakthrough or a breakdown or whatever it was.
I went to wake Wolfie up for work & brought him a cup of coffee. He was drinking his coffee and looking at me with a big goofy grin. "What?" I ask. He says, "I'm still stunned by how beautiful you are".
That made me crumple up into a little ball, crying. Definately not the response he had anticipated .
I told him that I am having a hard time with the annaversary stuff. His birthday is Tuesday and I don't know which to do first: give him his present or biff him in the eye for last year! I told him that I try to stuff it all down, but that doesn't work very well--and then I get resentful--because why in the hell am I protecting his feelings by trying to deal with the pain and anger alone? I told him that trying to deal with it without his help just makes me feel more alientated and alone.
He looked kind of scared and said that was last year and what a different place we are in last year. He started listing all of the positive changes. I told him that I saw all of those things and more. I am very happy and grateful for where we are now and it's confusing as hell to be so happy, and yet still have such painful memories come up.
I really turned into a big baby then & told him that I loved him so much, but was scared because I wasn't sure I really knew him. If he was the man I always thought he was, how could he have been capable of betraying me so badly? I had given him my love because he had promised to take care and protect the most tender and vulnerable places in my heart.
He says that he will spend the rest of our lives doing just that and trying to repair the damage that he did by betraying me. He said it was very difficult and uncomfortable for him to talk about last year, but he can't stand to see how it affects me when I don't turn to him--try to go it alone and be strong about it. I told him I don't feel strong anymore...I feel vulnerable.
Geez...guess that will teach him for telling me I'm beautiful, huh?
You've got one of those H's that is truly remorseful for what he's done, and will do everything in his power to try and make you happy for the rest of your days.
It's just too raw for you still. The memories will fade in time and won't be so intense. You will think of them from time to time, but will know you are safe and loved and I believe him when he says he'll spend the rest of his days trying to make it up to you.
He's one of those that's willing to face the ways he's hurt you even though it's very painful for him too. He's willing to be vulnerable and that is so beautiful because it means your on your way to a more fullfilling, intimate R.
He will be right there with you Tal, all the way. He messed up in a bad way and he can't take that back but what he does from here on is what counts.
I'd say he's off to a real good start. He says such beautiful things to you-listen to him and bask in his love. Rachael
tal if you get a chance come visit my thread. I could use some of your awesome advice.. I was expecting the low this weekend but I didnt know it would be that low after the high Friday night.. hang in thee you are such inspiration to us all..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Quote: That made me crumple up into a little ball, crying.
I've had to leave the room on more than one occasion when H said something so kind and loving, I instantly lost control. For me it feels like an internal explosion at the center of my chest and it reverberates it's way to the surface turning everything in it's path to mush.
Quote: I am very happy and grateful for where we are now and it's confusing as hell to be so happy, and yet still have such painful memories come up.
As you already know, I am dealing with the same thing. Been doing a lot of weeping lately even though my H is being so very sweet and supportive.
Quote: He says that he will spend the rest of our lives doing just that and trying to repair the damage that he did by betraying me. He said it was very difficult and uncomfortable for him to talk about last year, but he can't stand to see how it affects me....
HOW VERY BEAUTIFUL.
Your post put a big smile on my face...even while I cried. What a breakthrough.
.
