Tal...thank God that your man tells you that you are beautiful. Be grateful that your man is truly sorry for his actions of the past...and rejoice as you move forward...without pain there is no growth...you know that! You are wise, wonderful, and willing to work....you will succeed....hugs, Akgal.
Wow Tal! it is so great to see the progress that you two are making--and they are allowed to be Homer Simpson from time to time--as long as the Prince Charming doesn't go away for long!! Hang onto the words that you are beautiful!! Awesome that H made it a point to tell you he will take a lifetime to make things better with you and make up for the pain!!! Whoo hoo!!! You go girl!!!
Tal, When they say that they will take a lifw time to make it up to you-they mean business. That mean they are truly remorseful.
It's exactly what I said to my husband when I was a WAW 12 yrs ago, and I meant it. I've kept my word to this day.
With our sitch the way it is, I'm starting to feel relieved from that promise though. I know he does not want me to be with anyone,but he also does not want to commit to me.
I know I'm lucky. I also know I deserve to have a R only if I am loved and respected.
I'm trying very hard not to go back into why, why, WHY? mode again. We always have had a basically good relationship. We have a lot in common, are very similar in fact. Most things have come easy to us: we get along well and have had minimal trouble creating and raising a double-blended family.
He thinks I'm beautiful and sexy. He says he never stopped loving me, although he "lost track of how much I meant to him". How in the SAM-HELL could he have cheated on me!!!!!
How do you feel comfortable with someone who is capable of going off into alien-mode and stabbing a knife through your heart? Sure--things are much better now--because his attitude is different. How do I know he's not capable of doing another about-face and breaking promises again?
These are the kind of things that haunt me still. I know that it's mostly because I'm scared to death to really relax and feel some sense of security. Eventually I will get there, especially as his behavior stays consistant.
I also struggle with getting impatient with myself. Why can't I just tell myself to close that chapter as he seems able to do? I go back and forth between beating myself up for still struggling and reminding myself to be patient...I really did experience a big emotional trauma and healing takes time.
healing does take time. What's that song by the Supremes? You Can't Hurry Love, No You'll Just Have to Wait. Love Don't Come Easy, Its a Game of Give and Take.
My W is seeing OM right now after we S. She did it openly and told me about it. I think they may have had some EA type thing before S. It doesn't hurt any less. I wonder all the time if I can accept her back, but I know I still love her. I know she is turning to him looking for what I couldn't give her before. Emotional support.
It must be real tough to get comfortable and feel safe and secure again, especially after you've felt betrayed. I'm guessing this is what the WAW of mine is feeling. I betrayed her trust when I said I would honor and cherish her. So she is betraying me and our M.
IMHO, knowing that both of you have learned from this and have changed, knowing where each other has been and understanding that gives you both ultimate incentive to not let anything drive you apart again is an unbelievable place to be. I don't think it is as easy for your H as you think. IMHO, maybe share a little of your insecurity and see how he reacts. Maybe this will make you feel better, especially if he validates?
It went a long way toward easing my spirit when CJ told me those words...not that now and again, like now when he offered to make dinner, but is typing away while I get it started, I don't wonder specifically WHAT he meant by that!
Began looking at your old threads. Have you always been in Piecing? Believe it or not I'd like to go back to before Piecing if you were posting here.
I feel as though I might be at a breakthrough point and I'd like to go back to when your WAS wasn't sure about returning.
Any others reading this that has a supreme conflict avoider for a WAS and you as the LBS was emotionaly unavailable and distant please identify yourself. I'd like to look at your past threads please.
Apparently, my WAS has stated that the non pursuing and going dark was not what she wanted (more of the same) and if I really loved her I would've shown more effort in getting her back when she dropped the bomb.
Sorry to hijack your thread Tal, I'm so confused, I need help.
Seattleman, I had one or two short threads before Piecing, but they didn't amount to much. I landed here in the early stages because deep down I knew H would come home, but that it would take a lot of work to get there and a lot of work after.
I don't think there are too many people in Piecing that aren't married to some serious conflict avoiders, and that's part of the cycle of what got a lot of our M's in trouble in the first place.
I know that the standard that most people use (right out of the DB book) is no pursuing, but the most important thing is to try some different things, monitor the progress and do more of what works!
In my case, I did have to do some pursuing and LOTS of R talks. The pursuing had to be done carefully, because if I came on too strong, he'd feel pressured, but no pursuing at all and he felt unwanted. I think Shiny had some similar dynamics in her R after the bomb. Sometimes, if our spouses walked because they felt rejected or unloved, it can definately take woo-ing and lots of reassurances.
Try some things that are romantic and personal (just a box of chocolates won't do). If she's indicating that she wanted (or still wants) to be pursued, think back to what you did to snag that woman in the first place. You know her and know how to touch her heart.
If she is receptive, step up the pace a little and be consistant about it. You're going to have to prove you are a changed man!
Seattle - I was guilty of a lot of the things you mentioned were missing in your R with your W. Haven't followed your sitch. entirely, but wish you best of luck.
Quote: How do you feel comfortable with someone who is capable of going off into alien-mode and stabbing a knife through your heart? Sure--things are much better now--because his attitude is different. How do I know he's not capable of doing another about-face and breaking promises again?
These are the kind of things that haunt me still. I know that it's mostly because I'm scared to death to really relax and feel some sense of security. Eventually I will get there, especially as his behavior stays consistant.
Tal, this brought me back to the summer of 2002 when CAW first came back after her A.
Quote: How could she turn so quickly? I remembered how she once told me when she first knew she I was the guy for her. We first met by working on the same shift at work. We were part of the same group that would go out for coffee at a Dunkin Donuts every night after work. After several months, one night I set up a telescope in the parking lot to show them the planets and such. She told me it was that night she decided I was the kind of man she would like to live with for the rest of her life.
Then it hit me ... the reoccurring statement through out this board - "Love is a decision." A decision based on what it is about us that they are attracted to and then they are fully committed to that decision.
What altered that commitment? The subtle shift in our behavior until we are no longer the person they were attracted to. Then they begin to doubt their decision to love us. The more we continue our unattractive behavior the more they waiver. Eventually, they change their decision. Unfortunately, for some of us that may mean an EA or PA.
What brings them back? Changes we make in our behavior as we consciously attempt to improve ourselves. This may reminds them of the old us they were attracted to or even better perhaps as the "New & Improved" us. Once they believe that changes are for real, then it is not such a large step for them to decide they can love us again and commit to it again. For my W it took a little longer than a week for her to process this on her own before she came to me to talk.
Mattie, the fact that you & H had a 48 hour OR talk, allowed you to help him sort this out in record time and allowed him to make that decision and commit to it. Mattie, that was such a unique blessing in disguise. Most people on this board would give anything to have an opportunity for such an OR talk.
Now how can we believe their commitment to this decision is for real and we can trust them? [Racheal, this is what you been asking for...] As long as we continue to act in the manner that is true to ourselves and attracted them to make the decision to love us again, then they will never have any reason to doubt the commitment they made to that decision.
Thereby breaking the previous cycle and IT WILL NOT BE REPEATED!
This is why DBing is for life!!!!!
The year 2003 shook my belief in that some throughout the year, but now here it is 2004 and I have become re-affirmed that is still the reason why CAW is still here.
