Just found your thread and haven't had the time to go back and look at it. I've been meaning to look at Piecing and since you are in the PNW, that intrigued me. Hoping to learn more from you guys her in Piecing and hope to start some Piecing of my own.
I like Sage's suggestion about getting some sausage if that is what your H wants. If he does ask what you want, I would suggest being VERY CLEAR unless he does not have an open mind to suggestions or talking in your LL (disadvantage not knowing much about your history yet).
As a man, and one that is guilty of not speaking my W LL of emotional connection, passion, and conversation, I would fall asleep pretty quickly after ML. My W is the passive aggressive type and would never come right out and tell me what she needed, she assumed I would figure it out on my own since I'm a bright guy in the rest of my life.
I'll tell you that doesn't mean I'm bright when it comes to picking up on my W hidden messages. Like you, she would do somthing to me (like cuddle or talk or whatever) that she would hope I would do to her. I had no idea that is what she wanted from me. I thought that she wanted to do it otherwise she wouldn't be doing it. If she wanted somthing from me or me to act a certain way, I assumed she would just come out and ASK for it. I would LOVE to do it because there is nothing more I want than to make her happy. Other guys I think would feel the same.
Instead, she never asked, she quit trying to subliminially send me messages, and the resentment built up too much it boiled over. So what am I saying, I'm saying to CLEARLY COMMUNICATE what you want. Not the big picture feelings, emotions, etc - he may never GET than, I know I wouldn't. But the SPECIFIC actions he can take. H, I would like it if you caressed me, held me, hugged me before and after ML. I would like it if you talked to me about how you felt after ML. I would like it if you talked passionately while ML. Or whatever. I, as a man, think we are like goal oriented dogs, we need specific direction of ACTIOINS. If you tell us the house smells like dog pee, we'll keep peeing inside. If you tell us to pee outside and where, we will pee there. IMHO.
Hi Tal, Thanks for checking up on me.. As usual you are right on the money.. Kev...
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
Sage: Yes, I DO say "let's go get sausage". And now I feel guilty complaining about this because he's great at the cuddling part.
Seattle: I'm up north of you. Thanks for your take, and I KNOW that he's told me many times that I have to be more specific about things. I have been pretty specific (I think) about this issue but either he just doesn't know what the heck I'm talking about, or isn't capable of what I'm asking. Maybe it's like the the MC asked him, "Talitsa brings up areas she sees as a problem in a very clear, sweet and non-confrontational way. If you don't hear her, she waits a while and tries again--turning up the volume. Why does she have to get to the point of blowing up before you recognize that something is a BIG DEAL to her?" H said he didn't know why.
I have tried to explain that ML is a lot more for me than a physical act--it's about intimacy. Afterwards, it's like all barriers are down and I would like to hear a little bit about how he feels. I would like to hear more than "love ya" or "that was good". He says he feels emotionally connected when we ML, but can't elaborate any further on that.
I will keep trying to deal with this by asking directly and specifically. (Loved the don't-pee-in-the-house scenario, LOL!). I have tried and tried to deny that this isn't a big deal--and that I should be grateful in so many other ways--but this just isn't going to go away.
You know what really confuses me is that I snooped and read some of the email correspondence he's had in the past with female friends. In at least two cases, I found things that he said about me and his feelings about me that I would have LOVED to have heard myself--but he would never do that. After the bomb--I remember telling him that he obviously was capable of emotional intimacy--just not with me!
Kevin: there have been times that I have started arguements just to arouse some kind of emotional passion out of him for this very reason--just like I was talking about on your thread. I'll try to find the "hungry lion" thing for you. Glad I could help--I know it does help to get a female perspective on some of that behavior so your not just standing there scratching your head and saying "WTF?"
Be forewarned though--there's enough anger in the first couple threads--if I could have figured out how to transform anger into electricity and sell it to Puget Sound Energy--I'd be RICH! Oh yeah--and there's a brief spell in there where I had a evil Tourette's kind-of siezure (it was so bad, but it felt so good!)
OK--now I'm feeling like such a BUTT complaining about this stuff. I mean--after what we've been through--I'm complaining because he doesn't give more elaborate Hallmark card speaches?
There's people here who haven't had their spouses come home yet, and I must have some nerve to be whining about this stuff.
OK--now I'm feeling like such a BUTT complaining about this stuff. I mean--after what we've been through--I'm complaining because he doesn't give more elaborate Hallmark card speaches?
There's people here who haven't had their spouses come home yet, and I must have some nerve to be whining about this stuff.
I want to have a good M though, that is better than we had before. I don't know why this issue is so important to me, I only know how it leaves me feeling to need the affirmation and intimacy and not get much of it.
Hey Tal, We had a bit of a breakthrough last night come by and check it out..
Honesty, sincerity, tenderness and trust. A little less time for the rest of the world, And more for the two of us. Kisses each mornin, I love yous at night, Just like it used to be.
No need to apologize for your "problems" seeming insignificant next to some other bber's woes...this IS the PIECING forum, and your issue with Wolfie's intimacy (or lack thereof) is exactly the kind of thing we work on when, as you say, we're trying to build a BETTER marriage.
I can't recall the name...seattleman?...but his insights are real good. The flat out ask, and make it simple and specific!
I like Sage's approach too...where the intimacy grew out of other positives.
Tal, the sausage comment made me laugh. BOTH CJ and I have (if memory serves me...it's been a WHILE ) have just finished ML, a stomach growls...and one of us will say "breakfast special!" (at our fav weekend restaurant)...off we go.
Other times, we'll just snuggle up and fall back to sleep. Not much talking during, either, which I'd like more of...more DOING would be good to...
Time of the year--not to mention PMS too, which tends to magnify what's bothering me quite a bit. Still, I can't deny that it's a problem. It leaves me feeling lonely and sad much of the time. Doesn't help that he keeps saying that he'll make appointments with IC and MC, but hasn't since before he moved home.
but either he just doesn't know what the heck I'm talking about, or isn't capable of what I'm asking. Maybe it's like the the MC asked him, "Talitsa brings up areas she sees as a problem in a very clear, sweet and non-confrontational way. If you don't hear her, she waits a while and tries again--turning up the volume. Why does she have to get to the point of blowing up before you recognize that something is a BIG DEAL to her?" H said he didn't know why.
