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Thanks, everyone. You all have been a huge part of my ability to deal with this.

It was hard to sleep last night; so much to process. The upcoming drink with the friend certainly took a back seat to W's phone call.

I heard despair in her voice. I knew she was starting to realize how many lives she has disrupted, and to what extend they have been disrupted. She is seeing the extent of the mess she has created up to now, but I don't think she is seeing the approaching train wreck once the OM and his disabled mother arrive.

I was tempted several times to say, "See? See? See?" as she talked, but it was so obvious that she was hurting, there was no way I was going to add to her misery.

I can't rescue her. I can't be there for her. I had hope, and was willing to wait her out, let her take the time and space she needed. All of that changed when she made the decision to pull OM fully into her life. During our conversation she asked if I hated her.

"My God, no." I replied. "I will always love you; that's just how it is. But I can't wait indefinitely hoping you will turn around. I cannot and will not share my wife with another man."

That's about as close as I came to criticizing her actions.

I will be kind and empathetic. I will pray hard for her to seek help and guidance in her own life. I will always love her as the woman I married, but not as the woman she has become. Someday I will be forgiving; but not today.

But I must move on. For me.

IMO-you handled yourself extremely well.
It would be so easy to kick her while she's down, and she probably would have deserved it, which once again shows your true character.

I know this is hard for you. It's hard for all of us, but you are doing good. Keep it up.

Forgot to mention that W has herself a 3 bedroom condo, not a 2 bedroom as I thought.

It's still going to be a train wreck.

I wish I had half of the strength and dignity that you have. I think you handled that call perfectly. I can't believe she is calling crying to you about a situation that she could have fixed, wanted you to comfort her. I really admire you. You have shown us what a wonderful man and H you are. She is going to have a rude awakening.

Keeping you in my prayers

Telemark,
I am just sitting here thinking you are seeing the results of how you've changed and grown as a person through all this. There were some things the old Telemark would've done that didn't happen during that phone call. You have come an extremely long way. Stay strong.

TM, Yes it is a train wreck, even in 3 bedrooms.

I keep thinking back to something 25 said…OM and instant MIL under the same roof. From personal experience I can tell you W and MIL under the same roof in this culture is at best conflict waiting to happen. Add in your SS and the stress she must be going through over the rest of this……Well it isn’t a place I’d want to be.

From my perspective she has been and is allowing herself to be taken advantage of. Why would anyone intentionally place themselves in the middle of all that potential for drama? Answering would require speculation so don’t feel you should.

IDK if this fits, but I’ll try and relate an aspect of the R STBX and I had.

STBX is a Nurse. For her I think it is a calling. She is a caretaker. It makes her a very effective Nurse and she derives quiet a bit of self-worth and satisfaction from taking care of people. So much so she seeks out “projects” to rescue. Eventually she becomes overwhelmed, amps up the drama, and looks to others for rescue and support. It is not healthy. In my opinion she becomes dependant with her projects. She doesn’t set boundaries there.

Again, IDK if it fits. Where I am now, understanding what I do, I would not have stepped in, as you did not either. Though from years of conditioning I would have been tempted and a knee jerk response would have started to go there.

I agree you did well. I also agree this will escalate. Hope for the best, plan for the worst. It’ll fall somewhere in between. Try and remain calm, confident and compassionate, while detached permitting her room to grow.

Susquehanna Travellers

DENVER

Wow, TM... how bizarre when the LBS is finally in a spot of accept and surrender... and of moving on...

when finally... that dream situation that the LBS dreams about through the whole process happens...

and the LBS reacts in a way that is... healthy...

You are doing great...

Even the "reveal" of your statement about loving your W but not sharing her with an OM...

Just be there for her... I would like to suggest that you do not have to hold her at arms length though... if you feel strong enough to let her in a bit, without being sucked back into her drama...

OM MAY or MAY NOT be there for her... if you are not a safe or rock for her... she might yet find another... she might find another, anyhow...

Just saying that if you are strong enough... *shrug*

Thanks, everyone, again, for the amazing support and encouragement you have shown. I don't feel like I did anything special.

In other news...

Received a TM from W this morning. She wants to meet me for breakfast Sunday morning.

I asked if everything was OK.

She replied that she just wanted to talk.

I said of course.

So we're having breakfast together Sunday morning at 9:00. This will be the first meal we have had together in a public place since February.

I just don't know what to expect. Maybe she's going to tell me her 2 batchit crazy sisters and their dysfunctional families are also moving in with her, and her condo will be like one of those clown cars that holds umpteen people...

Too sane... clearly you aren't thinking crazy enough