Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife no longer in love with me - Part 2

1) Relationship talk – 3.5 weeks
2) No contact – 2.5 weeks

Okay...

My person opinion?

You cannot rush this. I know that you feel that you don't have much time. I understand that. But it seems to me that you at least have a few months.

If you try to rush it, you will inevitably pressure and pursue your W.

Have you read Divorce Remedy, specifically the chapter on the Last Resort Technique (LRT)?

I would apply LRT immediately.

Go relatively dark on your W... definitely do not initiate contact at all.

Do not initiate relationship talk under any circumstances. If she does, actively listen, listen and listen some more... and then validate.

Give your W space and time ... the hope here is that the space and time will allow her anger, frustration or whatever negative emotion she is feeling to subside...

Right now, when you are around, or when she is in contact with you, she is only being reminded of those negative emotions.

She needs time away from you completely.

Give this 4-6 weeks Cam.

During that time, you need to:

1) GAL

2) Go do some stuff that might pique your W's interest (new exciting hobby, new wardrobe, new hair style, etc) (For me, it was new wardrobe and new hair... as goofy as it sounds, W noticed the first time that she saw me after we had gone 4 or so weeks without seeing one another)

3) Really think about where you can improve yourself... what things did you do that you believe contributed the breakdown in your M... what things does your W not like about you? Do you agree with those things?

4) If your W contacts you during that this 4-6 weeks, be light, fun and cheerful... keep conversations short... be the one to end the conversation.

-----

I would seriously give the above strategy 4-6 weeks and then see where you are at.

I hate to disagree with your DB coach, but you simply can't rush this... You do have some time here.

Good luck!

BITS
Denver

Thanks Denver.

I have read the LRT chapter...I bought the Divorce Busting book, I couldn't find the DR one here, is there much difference?

So if I am not to initiate any contact, should I respond to her text re collecting her stuff, or just ignore it?

I have been trying to implement this strategy, and have not initiated any contact for a while now and wasn't going to. It's just when she surprises me like this morning with contact that it throws me off and I don't know what to do.
I do agree with the things that contributed to the M breakdown from her perspective. I have been thinking about this a lot, and I know my faults and recognise and accept them. I look back at some of my actions and words and I am ashamed I did that and behaved like that. It’s not me, and I was not raised or educated that way. I was in the wrong and I accept that.

Thanks for your support.

Time, time and patience. It's ten weeks for me since I last had R talk with my H. I also read to allow one month for each year you were married (not sure if you should include time living together on top etc) for healing of the problems of the M/r.

I think that DR is a bit more step by step than DB... I like it better. See if you can order DR online.



I would tell you to respond when SHE initiates contact. But keep your response cheerful, short and to the point.

EX: "Hey there! How about next Saturday you come by and pick up your stuff at 2ish? I will be out doing x,y, and z. Just let yourself in. Please be sure to lock up when you leave. Have a good one W!"



If you are finding that you are nervous and anxious when she initiates contact, take some time before you have the conversation. If it is a text, take a couple of hours before you respond so that you can think about how you can be cheerful, short, and to the point.

If it is a telephone call, tell your W that you are busy and ask if you can call her back in a couple of hours.

This will give you time to do what you need to do to relax. Have a ONE drink if it helps.

You need to be calm, cool, confident, and collected... 4 C's.



Take responsibility for what you did Cam. Lord knows that i beat the hell out of myself for months for the things that i did that drove my W away ... i still do quite a bit. But, we cannot change the past. We hold ourselves accountable and then we have to forgive ourselves for what we did.

I am still working on the forgiving myself part, so I know how hard this is.

Remember that you did the best that you could with the tools that you had at the time. You are human.

BUT... now is the time to get yourself new tools... this is where identifying problems and issues with your behaviors, getting to the root of them, and fixing them, comes into play.

This is what you can control right now Cam. While you are giving the 4-6 week strategy with your W a try, work on yourself. This way, if and when you do start having contact with your w again, you will have some positive changes that she will hopefully recognize...

And if she doesn't... then you have changed for the better, for yourself... and any future R ... whether it be with your W or someone else.

BITS
Denver

P.S.

I know that this sounds goofy, but...

:-)

;-)

:-o

faces help make text and email messages seem cheerful and light...

Just sayin! ;-)

BITS
Denver

Cam

I agree with Country. You have time. Just relax.

When she engages you about what you did or didn't do:

"W I know I made mistakes. I recognize them. Our M is very important to me so I am taking a hard look at what I contributed to OUR situation. The path is open if you desire to work on our M."

That's it. STFU (shut the F@ck Up)

The rest you must show her, not tell her. She has heard words from you for a while before she left so they mean nothing.

Then.

Let her go.

If you can't deliver that message with the most sincere compassion and honesty then don't do it.

Wait until you can.

Thanks Denver, Gritter and Country.

Just ordered the DR book, so will give that a shot.

So I wait for her to initiate contact now re her stuff at the house??? Or do I still touch base as I told her??

I feel like her stuff in the house is the only thing keeping her having contact with me. I honestly believe once she gets it, then I won't hear from her again. That's her way of dealing with these things.......she blocks it out and runs. So there is no reason for her to remain in touch with me once that's done.

Give it a chance.

yes... still contact her as you said you would...

EX: "Hey there! How about next Saturday you come by and pick up your stuff at 2ish? I will be out doing x,y, and z. Just let yourself in. Please be sure to lock up when you leave. Have a good one W!"