Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers The next chapter...

Thanks, V, here in Pennsylvania it was just a little shudder; something to talk about during the afternoon. It's not even the top news story anymore.

In other news...

W was particularly chatty with TMs yesterday morning, asking about my weekend gig, my plan's to celebrate #1 son's birthday (21 this Friday), how everyone is doing with him leaving for basic training on Monday...it caught me off guard, and instead of feeling all warm and fuzzy, I was suspicious: "Why is she suddenly being so nice? What does she want? Did she crank up the EA over the weekend and is in a good mood because of it?"

I answered politely but succinctly and tried to put the negative thoughts out of my mind. Today is back to normal; I sent one TM about some mail that came for her to my house, and she gave me a one-word reply. I guess the weekend high has worn off.

The sorrow from Sunday and the anger from yesterday has dissipated; in it's place today is apathy. I feel like I really don't care about the M, and I'm content to go it alone.

Sounds like the standard WAW behavior. Pull away, come back, pull away, come back. Don't try to mind-read, as difficult as it is to keep from doing so. It could be a multitude of things. She could be keeping you around as plan B right now, too.

Do you feel like you're apathetic or ambivalent? But then, it pretty natural for just about all of us to be all over the board to some extent; fortunately it's not the extent of the wayward spouse.

^^^^ what jb said

Thanks, jb & DG. I always look forward to your replies (even if they are short, DG!)

jb, you make a good point - apathetic or ambivalent? Honestly, frankly, truthfully: right now I have no desire to be married to my W. She does not love me, respect me or trust me. She has no physical desire for me. She has, to borrow a line from the book I'm currently reading, "stabbed my heart so many times I don't know which hole to plug first". She has crippled me emotionally and financially.

Who needs that?

And what I'm finding out is that she has done that all of her life; just run away from anything that needs to be worked on. She has been the victim of abandonment so she is going to beat anyone else to the punch.

And yet, I just can't bring myself to take the next step to end things. So I guess that means God is directing me to hang in there and wait. And wait. And wait.

Thank you for channeling me TM... oh wait, you were talking about yourself and your own W. Whoops!

I've been through the 'let's get it over' phase, the 'whatever' phase, the 'Hulk smash things' phase, you name it. I think I'm going to have to repeat some of these once I run out of phases. Point is, we're strong enough to do this. The payoff is elusive and not guaranteed, but we will persevere, no matter what!

"the 'Hulk smash things' phase,"

Thanks for the laugh!

And thanks for the reminder to stay focused and grounded, LP. I'm learning patience, also.

I think the biggest hurdle for me to get over is the complete rejection by her. I have told her, "Don't stay with me because you have to. Stay with me because you want to." And her reply was that she did not want to.

I'm nowhere near ready for another relationship (if it comes to that), but when I am, I want it to be with someone who is there by choice, not obligation.

That seems to describe my W. She has some family history in that to some extent as well. It almost like they truly believe it's easier to go through the pain of running away than to work through the pain they're in now. They fail to acknowledge there is a greater reward in working through the pain they're in now. I think many of us LBS'ers are in the same boat. It makes me wonder if some people are just "runners".


Yep, that's a hard one. Just remember it's her loss.



Amen. Now that would be an upgrade, wouldn't it?

Flight or fight, I believe some people are just wired for flight, that they have bigger personal hurdles to overcome to be able to stay and fight.

It is not that you are not worth the effort; it is that they are not able to expend the effort. I think some realize what they are running from but cannot stop, justified by the vilification of the LBS.

It is when they can no longer justify their actions to themselves that second thoughts creep in.

Whether they act upon them or not has to be their decision, we need to act upon our decision to move forward and grow.

What I've learned:

The runners are living in survival and on adrenaline. The are not centered in themselves, sure of who they are or what they want.

And any animal living in survival mode will fight, take flight or freeze.

Our WAS have no central 'core'. Thus they always seek to fill that hole with something or someone, but it's always a temporary fix. So they lurch, from one fix to the next and the empty core remains, until they integrate all the facets of their personality into a stable whole. Until they truly grow up and mature they will continue to run. Growing is painful and they avoid it at all costs.


They don't really think then act. They react. There is a world of difference between the two.

Well, that's that, I guess...

Just found out that the EA/OM and his mother are moving in with my W in the next few weeks. Mother arrives next week, OM arrives as soon as his temporary employment is over.

But-according to my W-there is nothing going on between her and the OM.

He's just moving 1500 miles to live with her and his mother in a 2 bedroom condo.

I told her that was the last straw; I would not be in an open marriage. Find a mediator, set a date, let me know when I should be there. Get your things out of my house as soon as possible.

They say you know when it is done. Well, I know.