Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She's STILL running away!!!!

Val....glad to add a little levity! I try not to lecture her much. I really feel that I know her better than she knows herself at times. Maybe I'm wrong or arrogant. I will keep my feedback at a minimum but I feel I need to help her as a friend at times.

A good GAL day all things considered. W kind of freaked out and wanted to get out of house. I picked kids up from daycare and grabbed a pizza and took them to a park to eat and play. Got them ready for bed an read them a few books…haven’t been able to do that in over a week. They are so sweet. I hate to see the effect this situation is having on them. They don’t deserve it. I need to keep trying to be the best Dad that I can. I get joy out of their joy.

W got home around 9:45. Said she didn’t get my emails to my atty until tonight. Seemed more pleasant but still said she couldn’t trust me. She thinks I have an agenda regarding the D. She is stressed about it. I said I don’t have an agenda and I can’t make her trust me. She said I could but didn’t really elaborate. I missed an opportunity here…should have asked her to explain it. I might revisit it tomorrow. Her lack of trust in me is a huge issue for us.

I told her I realize she is in a space that makes it easier for her to spin everything about me in a negative light. I also told her that I think anything in the world can be viewed with a negative perspective if you really look hard enough. She told me good night. I said good night and called her by her name. This will sound unbelievable, but I went for years without calling her by her name. Must have been part of my issues. I don’t know if she likes it or it irritates her at this point. Probably depends on the day or moment. How can you live with someone for years and not call them by their name? I have been pretty messed up.

I’m going to see the C tomorrow. I’m not sure what I want to talk about. I think that might be a good sign. I feel better about myself. I have started looking for positives and avoiding negatives. I still have a lot of negative thoughts but I am trying to suppress them. It takes time but is necessary. Also going out for a few drinks with friends tomorrow night and I’m looking forward to that.

Confusing thoughts…..I refuse to allow my W to take the kids with her part time if she got a place of her own. She brings it up a lot. I feel that this is the best option for our kids in the short term but I’m not sure it’s the best option for our M in the long term. She will not leave without them as it looks bad if things turn into a custody dispute. I have no intention of that happening.

Here’s the rub…my wife needs space. What if not allowing her to get a place and take the kids with her part time keeping her from what she needs to get her head straight? Would letting her take the kids out of the house for a few days at a time be better for them in the long run if that time saved our M? If I knew for certain it would obviously be an easy call. So few things are certain. I don’t want to get my kids in the middle of this but is a short term sacrifice worth a long term goal?

Not a real productive C session today. She kept wanting to talk about the M….I really didn’t. I’m fed up with it. I can’t change my W. She resents everything I say. She tells me she doesn’t trust me. I am trustworthy. She spins everything I do or say to the absolute most negative extreme possible. She even does this with things I don’t say or do…she just assumes my negativity. I can look myself in the mirror and I know she can’t.

I told C I am done trying to “convince” W. I am planning for the worst (D) and slightly hoping for the best (R). She wants to see my W again but understands that she probably will not set an appt.

I did mention my wife's desire to move out and take the kids intermittently. She didn't seem to think it was such a bad idea which kind of surprised me. Said it "was going to happen eventually" which is pretty close to what my W says. Am I wrong on this one?

I am beyond frustrated but plan to keep working on me. I can no longer allow my W’s negativity to bring me down at all. I need to be strong for myself and my kids. I love who I know my wife really is more than anything in this world. I cannot stand what she is right now. She is full of hate and disdain. She is in pain and I do feel for her but I cannot help her if she doesn’t want the help. I need to find more GAL activities that help me meet people.

I took the kids to the dentist today and I’m taking them to their first football practice tonight and am really looking forward to it. I am then going out with some friends for a few drinks. I need one.

Unbelievable. W just brought up the procedural D thing blew up again. She got a response from her atty that was different than my request….imagine that. She is full of hate. I am glad the kids aren’t here. She keeps calling me a liar. I am full of sh*t. I told her I will not be disrespected. I will no longer be demeaned. I told her that she keeps spinning everything into a negative and that’s why we’re getting divorced. She has vilified me into a complete demon. She is creating this hate and I told her that. I have been open and honest as possible.

I did not raise my voice even though she was screaming at me. Where is that beautiful person? She is gone.

She says she can’t focus on work. Is afraid of losing her job. Says she hates to hear my voice or see my face.

How do I avoid these confrontations. They are so hurtful. She starts spewing venom almost immediately. Should I just sit here in silence and add to her thoughts that I am not willing to talk about anything? I feel like throwing her out of the house.

IMHO, you should pack her bag and tell her that you will not be disrespected. That you've been open with her, calm and caring and that you will not take nor tolerate her behavior. And that if she continues to carry on, she is welcome to leave without the kids.

Sometimes a man's got to re-assert himself. Not in a sexist way, but just to show that you aren't going to take it any longer.

Keep it level-headed and cool, yet not like you're giving in.

Eek. Sorry RO

Unfortunately...

It doesn't matter what you say, she will think what SHE wants. It doesn't matter what you do, SHE will perceive it how SHE wants.

See the pattern.. it's all about HER!!

It sukks, but it some ways it's freeing. You get to act how YOU want. The only person who you have to satisfy in your actions is YOURSELF.

That being said, what kind of RO do you want to be? Not who do you want your wife to hopefully see today or tomorrow or right stinking now!! Do you want be loving and understanding whilst sticking up for himself? If so, be that man.. regardless of whatever craziness your w does.

I personally feel my good changes is causing some the venom from my w. I'm ok with that.. because being loving and caring for BOTH myself and my w is exactly who I want to be.

Continue to be the Best RO you can. She may or may not see it, but at the end of the day.. your head will be held high.

I understand wanting to avoid confrontations. I've been eager to avoid my w too. The venom blows and I don't actually know if it will ever not be painful. Maybe not hurt as much, but the sting will still be there.

Set a boundary here too if you feel necessary. IMO there is nothing wrong with taking a break from the sitch to get yourself emotional healthy for the storm ahead. As long as you working on yourself vs. running away. This D affects YOU TOO. Take time to care for yourself.

(( ))

thanks for the responses. They really help add clarity.

I am really starting to question if I want to keep trying. Am I creating hope or is there hope? I don't deserve this BS.

This person I now live with hates me. Fine. I am no longer communicating with her. She is no longer worth it. One of the main reasons I married my wife is because I thought she would be a good mother. How can a "good mother" do this? I have no more sympathy for her. My sadness is turning into resentment.

I love me. I love my kids. That's all that rally matters to me right now. I love my wife even though she no longer exists.

I am moving on. I am going to be the best Dad I can. I am going to continue making myself better. I plan to start dating other people.

Val, I just read your post. It seems my changes are creating her mindset and it makes sense. She doesn't trust them so she is going to challenge them. I get upset at myself for allowing her to create the conflicts but I think I do a pretty good job remaining calm. I am far from perfect though.

Yesterday I brought up things from the past which are not helpful. She keeps calling me a liar and I feel I need to defend myself.

I am very tempted to write her a letter explaining my thoughts. I know it won't do any good though. I'll probably just write it for me and not show it to her.

She started sending me inflammmatory TM's last night and my only response was "I hope you find peace". I meant it. I am finding mine.

When will she be again? When she starts doing what you want?

She was worth at one point. The point when you said your vows?



Just a question. What were the other "main" reasons? A good mother is subjective to you. Right now she is not doing what you think she should. What other things is she not or maybe did not do that didn't fulfill your expectations of her?

When she didn't do those things did you:



React ^^^ this way?



Well that is normal. I must worn you that if you sprout roots here you will find yourself in the line for a one way ticket to Bitterville.

Population YOU.

Now.

When you took your vows did you say?:

"I will love and honor you all the days of my life."

"BUT if you get scared and make poor choices, then I won't."

????

This is tough stuff Really.

How would you want to be loved? Only when you are peaceful and quiet and content?

Or when you are scared and confused? SO scared you run away?

You do need to find peace here and that starts from within.

If you return in kind the fear and confusion, the pain and resentment, you will sow it in your own life.

In this tragedy we all share there is an opportunity for you learn a different experience than what you have now. Than what maybe you have lived.

To choose it.

At this point in your M someone must be the stronger. The more courageous.

You are here so?

Took the words right out of my mouth gritter. Well said.

I know it's so hard RO. It's so hard to love especially with the venom. But know that the venom is what gritter is saying... confusion, fear. Fear is a huge one!

If you are a good h and are treating her with kindness and respect.. her venom is HER guilt. It's easier to be mean to you, get angry, lie, rewrite history.. etc because if she does that, she does not have to CONFRONT HERSELF. People say "don't fuel the fire". Sometimes that's not possible. Sometimes, if you are truly giving her no fuel to her fire, she will create some.

Yes you don't deserve her anger. yes it p!sses you off. Yes you deserve better. Makes sense. All normal feelings, but not necessarily stuff you should react on.

Something I find really helpful for myself is to ask myself "am I acting in a loving way?" It's really challenging because sometimes fear can look like love. Anger can look like love. We can very easily twist love into what is beneficial to self.

For me, this stops my anger from turning into hate. Stops the venom from being so toxic. Stops me from giving venom back.

I am so sorry she is hurting you right now. Continue to vent here. We are here for you!