Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Too Tired To Fight

val

a lot of people feel more comfortable with anger than sadness.


I think we're more used to it, maybe? But anger eats at you too...and it's NOT okay to be around, fyi.

Anyhow, you need to separate your money, period. IF she's helping you out financially,


then take care of yourself and inform her-no hiding stuff. But don't do anything that

makes it harder on you.

You know, she's not being mean to you. I mean, do you see that in her way,


she's doing her best to have an amicable break?

It may not make any difference to you but what is it that she could do


differently that would ease your pain,

if we buy into her "need" to get clean/sober, especially knowing how

young you were when you guys met?

I've done a 12 step and she WILL have to address issues with you "unless it causes injury" to someone.

If you project that you cannot handle any contact, (i.e., her "amends") she won't do it in person.

I suggest you read up on addiction so you are familiar with her journey in the event she does contact you in person


and besides, don't you want to understand this?

And see why you'd choose someone with this problem, and stay with them


and as you concede, even prefer her the way she was, with you, then healthy, apart...

how do you contact her when you have to? (Reminding her of the money to reimburse, for example)...

Have you read the Div Remedy book?


Why not?


Can't you see

how valuable insights are into relationships and how they die?

And how to keep them alive...


yes, that's what Div Busting, Div Remedy means to me.

it's possible this can be turned around


there are sexual orientation issues that make your case unique so I don't know what to tell you with that


but even so, there's a lot of value in this solution based approach.

Be in the now, forget about the long history or what happened when you were 5,


or issues with men or your dad,


b/c it's about doing what works in the marriage,

and NOT doing what does not work.

Simple but radical.

It really is unique

It will help your R's in the future. Give it a chance.

What have you got to lose?

25 - You're right. I don't have anything to lose.
She is trying to make this an amicable break. She just won't let go. Last time I saw her.. I told myself I wouldn't talk about r.. but I did. Can't take it back, but I did learn valuable things instead of assuming. Like that she didn't want me in her life at the moment because of the shame. She said that we did need to set a date to determine if we would stay together or divorce. I asked her if she had an answer now. She said no.

I find the NC really helping me deal with stuff. I'm reading the books but am scared. Yes, Yes, and yes to everything you said. I am getting the feeling that you think my r "is possible to turnaround but not likely". Forgive me if that sounds anything other than curious.

Will keep pushing forward. Thank you for responding to my thread. I truly value your opinion.

Journaling..
Been reading the DR for the past couple days. It's been a love/hate relationship..lol. I look and think about all the things I did wrong and how I wish I had another shot to get it right. I like what I'm learning though and look forward to changing it. Reading the LRT was hard because I realize that's where I'm at with my w. Learning that fact kinda has me slightly paralyzed. I feel like I can go Dark, Not pursue, no r talks,etc.. but it made me want to fight for my m. It's also gave me 2nd thoughts about opening up my own bank account.

The thing is.. idk if I'm healthy enough to even have an r/m rite now. I'm CoDe and my w is an addict. To me having my own account would be an healthy step. I would get on my own 2 ft, would not feel the pain of seeing her GAL. It would be an 180 in alot of ways.. she would have to take care of her finances w/o me. It would also show that I am moving on (something she thinks I clearly can't do). Even though ALL of these things make sense in my head. I keep fearing that she will see this as me letting go of our m. Give her a reason to drop the D bomb. And for those two reasons.. I can't do it.

I can't tell if not doing it is me keeping the road paved or me being CoDe. I know DBing is about taking care of myself. I know I NEED to take care of myself. But doing that feels like I am giving up on my m. That I don't care about my w.

In some ways my w is farther ahead than me. True.. she did give me the ILYB bomb, but she also knows she's abused me, she's knows we don't have an healthy relationship. She knows I can't be in her life.. for whatever the reasons. She's willing to look out for herself even if that hurts me.

I wish we could work out all of this together, but that is not the road she has chosen. She is going on alone, and I must do the same. I can learn what to do differently if she decides to let me back in, I can learn what to do differently for my next r, I can let go, I can let go and love from a distance, I can forgive.

Know what I have to do, not sure how or time frame. Patience.. us Virgo's don't do that very well.

Being here at all, is not a great sign. So I don't tell people "hey THIS IS GOING TO WORK FOR SURE..."

It's just a chance at an otherwise horrible long shot. I believe DBing improves a 10% chance

to maybe 25-30%

(but I gave my own m a 10% chance 5 years ago, so what do I know?)


and so that's more than doubling it...


The thing I can guarantee you is that if you learn this "solution based approach"


ALL of your R's will improve...&


that's worth it.


Good luck

I'll post more later--going out of town a few days

Journaling/Venting

So yesterday morning I was in a car accident. The accident wasn't that bad, but totally shook me up. I called w (it's her car, she drives mine... and I didn't have the latest insurance card). She was very pleasant and caring, but still distant. Didn't really offer to help at all.

A few hours later she called to check in on me. Still very distant. Everything we said was pleasant until the end. She was like let me know if you need any help. I was like thank you that I appreciate it but there is no pressure to help me. She got (what it seemed) slightly angry and was like "it's my car and my insurance.. just let me know if you need me to deal with any of that). She said I was glad I was ok. I believed her.

After we ended the phone.. I felt bad so I sent a text "Hey. Sorry if I sounded snooty.. just per our last conversation about space (her saying I couldn't be in her life) I didn't want u to think u had to help. I really do appreciate your concern, and I'm sorry it it came across as anything but".. She didn't answer.

Called me a few hours later to give me some insurance info. My phone never rang. She left a gargled message so I called her back. She didn't answer. She sent me an email with the info.

Of course part of me is angry and her for not stepping up and being the w. I had to figure out everything on my own and it pissed me off. The other part is mad at me because I should have kept my mouth shut about the pressure. Part of the reason I said it because it's true. Part of it was because I wanted her to know that the door is open if she wanted to step through. Part of me wanted her to step through!

It's very frustrating for me to see what I'm doing wrong in reacting to her. I tell myself what I want to say, how I want to feel.. but when the time comes.. I can't control my anger and hurt. I can't keep trying to manipulate the situation to get what I want.. which is the feeling that my w loves me. Wishing that she loved me even as much as all the friends that supported me yesterday.

I try to be easy on myself.. but its frustrating. I want to forgive, detach, act on the thoughts and feelings.. but I keep getting angry and hurt. I guess it's understandable seeing that I'm only 2m in.. but nevertheless how do I get to that point.

Everytime I talk to her.. I'm reminded that the NC is good. Granted she started it.. but I clearly can't have any conversation right now where I'm not reacting. In general I react. It's actually part of my job.. but there my reactions are based from experience.

Anyway.. to end on a positive note. I didn't dwell too long on her actions. I had the opportunity to upgrade my rental car to a Benz for very cheap. Got invited to dinner with a g/f and then picked up another g/f and we all went line dancing. So my day ended up going from Sh!t to sunshine.

Today is a new day. Another day to keep trying.

So today I felt better until I received a text from w

w: If you're available the wk of the 27th, Id like to try to sit down with you.

At first I felt sick to my stomach. And assumed that that she will be dropping the d bomb. After all she hasn't really spoken to me in 6wks. It's a very generic text IMO.

I haven't responded. Been talking alot because I'm really struggling. I can't seem to make decisions for myself. I am GALing, sleeping and eating, but I can't seem to take care of myself. I really enjoy DB & DR but the thing is.. when I do them, I know I am doing them for my m.. not for me. I want to change that. Not be selfish.. but I know I need to fix ME before I can fix the r/m.

The more I read Co Dependent No More.. the more I realize that I am trying to manipulate the situations to get a response. I actually started DBing before I even picked up the book and it was working.. but when w took space w/o telling me and then dropped the "I'm not sure I want you in my life" bomb.. I have really back slidden.

Will I beat myself up for this.. no.. but I'm going crazy. I need to go back to IC because I need help putting myself first. Like I said, I want to detach, love from a distance, understand, etc. I want to have healthy relationships. And after two months I can't do that on my own. I've been trying with books, advise from friends, but seriously.. I need therapy.

I plan to schedule an appointment this week. Get some clarity on my sitch. Start working on myself. I'm gonna hold off on texting w back.. but this is what I am thinking for when I do.


I want to know what she wants to "sit down about". Because my emotions run too close to the surface and as a CoDe.. I react.. I don't want to put myself in that situation again where I get blindsided. It happened 3 wks ago and I failed.

Then based off what she says.. I want to decide if I can do the following:

1) Have the conversation at all
2) Have the conversation in which I can actually put my hurt aside to DB
3) Need to have the conversation in a safe environment.. ie.. with the same c that helped us having a loving separation.

Again this would all be for me. I know the therapy might scare her off but then again.. w really liked her.. and if I'm honest in saying "Hey.. I'm really emotional right now. I'd like to have the conversation but would prefer if we did it with our C so I can guarantee its a loving safe conversation".. what's wrong with that?

Would really love some feedback. With 25 out of town and all of my friends having biased opinions.. It would be good to hear from people not attached to the situation.

Hi Valeska-

I'm sorry that the delay gets you pushed pages back.

I understand the anxiety. And reading a lot of relationship books can help and it can backfire, because you get conflicting opinions.

If you can do it without reacting, do option 2. Let your wife talk. And tell her you just really want to listen. If she asks you if you want to divorce, tell her simply no. But don't fight or defend, just listen. Tell her you can talk again after you have some time to really think about what she has said. If you can do it, let her get all of her complaints out.

If you choose to do this with a counselor, make sure it's a pro-marriage counselor. The wrong counselor CAN make things worse.

Hang in there, it will be ok.

Thanks dbmod

I will hopefully see my therapist this week. She is an imago therapist and her big thing is creating a safe space for people to talk.

As much as I want to also do option 2 (less scary for w) I think I will need help. Not only am I dealing with the separation, my eyes have been opened to the emotional abuse my wife did to me for 8 yrs whilst being an addict. Does that mean I want to punish her for it.. no. But I need to be honest with myself that 2m to deal with 8 yrs of abuse is not alot of time.

I kinda get those thoughts "Wait a second.. you abused me! I'm willing to forgive and forget but you want me out of YOUR life caz you can't deal". I get it.. but the wound is fresh. Hence why I want a c.

Val, you’ve got good feedback from 25 and dbmod. It sounds like you’ve decided to use your option 3 to provide a safe environment. Please keep the safe environment aspect in the forefront of this meeting. Try not to let hurt and anger creep in.

Dbmod is giving you good advice, pro marriage, solution based MC.

Read the books, do the work, and repeat it again and again. I know it sounds flip, but it is essential to healing you. How can you help her if you’re not helping yourself? DB works, it works for you.

You’ve recognized aspects of yourself and your sitch that need remedy pat yourself on the back (we are) and work on those. Become so busy working on those and becoming a better person that you see yourself changing. Don’t worry that your W sees this, do not point this out to your W; she’ll see it in her own time, in her own way. Pointing out your changes negates your effort making them.

Post often here and in other’s threads. Eventually you’ll come out of moderation.