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I just want to add that, although the above may seem like "quack" suggestions...

How about we rule out it isn't something like the above? For your own piece of mind.

Another morning of heated words and accusations.

This morning’s discussion went back four years when I returned from Afghanistan. At the time, my W left her job because she was being harassed and abused by her co-workers, a bad situation. I wasn’t supportive and thought she could be doing more around the house. To make things worse, I was dealing with a very sore back and in a constant state of pain. I had also started a new job which required some level of discretion and a great deal of work. Because I was getting angry a lot, my W figured I must be unhappy and having an affair, since I was always working, even on holidays.

This morning she accused me of giving her a STD from Afghanistan; not sure how that would happen. She also said she’s going to hire a PI to find out what I was doing four years ago. Because of my anger, I have no credibility with her, so she doesn’t believe a word I say.

Every fight, I used to ask “why are we doing this”, “why do we stay together”, “this is pointless”, etc. I can see how my comments would create doubt and cause my W to fall out of love with me. Recently, the tides have turned and now it’s my W who makes comments about divorce and I know I don’t like it. I guess the shoes on the other foot.

Thanks for listening.

Herb KD made some good suggestions. Have u seen a psychiatrist? Have u had your blood sugar checked? The brain scan is a good idea too. I got angry when I did not get my way. But I have learned better ways than with anger. If there are nonmedical reasons for the anger than I would say you do it because u want to .

HerbGarden...
Go to the bookstore and buy the book 'Love Without Hurt' by Steven Stosny. It will not only shed some light on why you behave the way you do, it will also help you to stop being that way. I was angry, resentful, and emotionally abusive for my entire adult life. It caused huge problems for me and those that I cared about the most. I wish I had known about this information before my marriage had been destroyed. You have an opportunity to. Nonetheless, I learned a great deal and was able to use this new knowledge to make some necessary changes that I wish I'd made long before. I can say that this book, and the knowledge base that comes with it, is one of the single best things to happen in my entire life. Good luck.

Herb

From one vet to another.

Get a brain scan now!

We're you hit by an IED? Come on man PTSD, anger is a classic symptom. The shock of the blast really messes with guys heads. You owe it to yourself and your family to get scanned and help.

Even if you never hit an IED, IDF, and firefights can have a similar effect.

It's ok to ask for help, and this nation owes you the proper care you need.

HG

Please see someone. I was very angry prior to my H leaving. I said hateful things, I reacted badly to his friends and co-workers, and just was unbareable to live with. I started to get help before he left and discovered the reason why I was so angry and over 2 years, I have learned so much about myself. A PAINFUL REALITY. I had to confront my mother and father about the abuse I suffered as a child. I confronted my sisters because I felt used by them -- they only called when the needed money. I had gained so much weight during the first 4 years of my marriage that I felt and behaved ugly.

I was messed up to the point that I wanted to take my life.

Please talk to someone.

Just a quick note before I start my day. I know I need help and that I'm the one with serious anger issue. My W isn’t the problem, although my posts may have painted a picture that she is unreasonable or neurotic. Without a doubt, she is one of the most checked-out people I know. I want my W back, but I have to address the root issue of my problem; the daughter I forced my W to give up for adoption.

I’ve never addressed this issue or apologized properly. I’ve also been emotionally abusive and have been threatening divorce ever argument for years. Yes, it’s weird; I’m the one asking you to help me keep my marriage together as I sabotage it several times a day.

Here is a copy of my very first post to help you understand my past:

Hello to all

This is my first post and it’s a bit lengthy as I feel it’s important to paint a complete picture of my situation.

My spouse is a WAW. We remain married, live together and function daily as a couple, but long standing, unresolved issues continue to detract from our relationship; I consider most of these shortfalls to be mine. I love my wife very much, and I know she loves me. That being said, I’ve made some very poor decisions in my life that continue to haunt us both. I haven’t dealt with my problems in a constructive manner, which has raised a wall between my wife and I; I need help to get my relationship back on track.

My wife and I were married in our very early twenties and our son joined us a few months later. Like most couples starting out, we struggled financially, although I was employed fulltime in the Army; at that time the pay was pretty crappy. Six weeks after the birth of our son I was transferred and we ended up in a place far away from our families and from any form of support. I loved my job and spent a great deal of time away from home. While I was jumping out of airplanes, my wife was stuck in a run-down military house, having to deal with harsh winters and sweltering summers, while raising a child on her own.

My wife was an excellent mother. She always new what to do; she was calm, positive and made things look easy. She raised our son with all the love and care a child could ask for. I found out later that she often felt isolated and alone without her family and childhood friends. At the time, I was too self-absorbed to see her pain. This is where my “issues” really come to light.

Shortly after the birth of my son, my wife became pregnant and I began to feel overwhelmed. I was immature and couldn’t handle the stress. I ended up having an affair; bad decision. I continued this behaviour until I had convinced myself that I no longer wanted to be married and no longer wanted a family. As if the affair wasn’t bad enough, I told my wife to leave; she was pregnant and caring for a small child; no job, no family support and I basically discarded her. Now you can see what kind of a person I am.

My wife left and my infidelity continued as she gave birth on her own to a little girl. She had little choice but to give up her second child for adoption. My parents didn’t support her and either did her Mother; she was on her own. It was about this time that I started to realize that the life I thought I wanted was pretty much a load of crap. I somehow convinced my wife to return, but I never really apologized to her, nor did my mature emotionally.

That was approximately 22 years ago and I’ve continued to struggle with anger and self-esteem issues. Over the years, I’ve spent a great deal of energy whining about my sore back, etc, etc, etc. Despite having an excellent career, a great wife and an outstanding son, I failed to realize how lucky I was. In the past three years, my outbursts have increased in severity and occurrence. My wife has been patient and loving, until recently. She’s finally had enough and has indicated that she would rather live on her own than live with my negativity. Until now, I’ve procrastinated in the self-development department, although I have gone through anger management sessions and pain management for my back. I need help finding ways to communicate without anger, and how to get my wife to trust me again. My anger and my verbal outburst have led her to believe that I’m having an affair, which is not the case.

I desperately want to get my relationship and my life back on track. Any advice would be appreciated.


I thank all of you for your support and advice. Once the X-Mas whirlwind resides I’ll go back and review your posts again. That being said, I would like to ask the following:

1. How do you regain trust after an affair?
2. What do you say to someone when “I’m sorry” has been worn out?

All the best and Merry X-Mas.

HG you really need to get a medical check. I too have angry outburst. In 26 years I have lost my temper with W about 7 times. This summer I got really nasty and did the same you did. Told her to file and she did. Be careful what you ask for. Are u in individual counseling? Are you going to church? I don't think you can say anything that she will believe any more. Now is the time to act.

My father screamed at my mother every five weeks. He died a few months back. My mother told me that she hated him at the end. Unless you change nothing will happen that is good. I still struggle with passive/aggressive behavior but once u acknowledge it than you can act on it.

Merry Christmas to you and your family too, Herb.

Just to restate, and I do understand the deep pain from your past, that getting a second opinion that your anger might be caused by something other than psychological... just get those other things ruled out.

As far as your questions above:

1) I don't think it's much of a stretch to say you haven't forgiven yourself. No matter how much your W might trust you, you won't feel it until you've healed your own pain. Your W wouldn't still be with you if she didn't trust you, at least at some level.

2) Again, saying the words repeatedly will not just sound hollow to your W, but they are likely sounding hollow to yourself. You are saying the words, and then your actions show otherwise (at least they appear to, to you), and so you have lost trust in yourself that you mean what you say and keep behaving negatively towards your W.

Remember, as odd as this may sound, that when you apologize, it is for past behaviours. If you felt remorse for those past behaviours and sincerely apologized, that is what you can do.

But until you get your anger "fixed", whatever the cause, understand that you are going to behave badly, again... OWN that... it is what you do, until you stop...

Do you know if your W has "forgiven" you for having your daughter (and I'm assuming the girl given up for adoption was yours). Is that a conversation you have had with her?

If the girl was your daughter... have you truly forgiven yourself? That's deep stuff...

Herb, be well and enjoy the holiday as best you can. Love like you've never loved before. Love your W, love your children, love your family, LOVE YOURSELF... TRULY... LOVE YOURSELF, in all the good AND bad... because your bad doesn't define you... it is just part of what you have done, not who you are... feel for those who are not as fortunate as you are and help them out if you have a chance...

Take care of yourself, Herb. In all of your past, you do still deserve it. We all do.

Well said about love KD!! . ( btw - Merry Christmas to you buddy!)