I'm not sure where to start. I was on this forum a while back. Actually 1 month short of 2 years ago. My story is this, my wife of 19 yrs left the kids and I when I found out about her affair in 09. She left for 3 months seeing the kids only several times during her absence. I did all the divorce busting I could do. GALs , LRT, and such. It all worked to a charm she ended up coming back to us with her tail between her legs wishing we would forgive her. We did and we let her back into our lives. Swearing to me she realized what she had and that she loved me. She was going to prove it to me. Things seemed to be great for the last 2 years. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. I'm driving my son across the state to visit my Uncle for a couple days to do some fishing and my son (14) looks at me and says "Dad I have something to tell you. Because I have been thinking about this all week and it is bugging me" I replied " Son it's best to get things off your chest so they don't eat at you" He agreed and continued " Remember when we went to (Local amusement park) and then (local water park) the next day with mom when you had to work last weekend" "Yes "I replied. "Well when we went mom had this guy meet us there. She told D (12) and I not to tell you because she said you wouldn't understand." he went on. "Dad I know they didn't act like just friends" OMG, I thought to myself. I could see someone cheating. Which is one of worst things one could do to another. HOWEVER, having your lover meet you while you are with your teenage kids. WTF!! I'm beyond words. It has been 2 weeks and I'm still as hot as a red pepper about this. Yes, I'm hurt. Not as hurt as I was the first time mind ya. I feel like this is the ultimate slap in the face. She moved out and in with him before we got back from our trip. My D wasn’t here either and I later got a reply text message from D, she was with a friend spending the night. 4 days later I still hadn’t seen my D and I finally tell her it is time to come home. Mom had been letting her spend the night with this friend, then another, then another. She didn’t want to be with either mom or dad. She told me that she didn’t want to be around us and have to think about the divorce we will be getting. Turns out my WAS took her to her “new” man’s place and wanted D to hang out with them. I can see why D was so upset. My kids didn’t have the first idea mom and dad were getting a divorce. Then BAM here is your mom‘s new guy. UGH!! This is consuming me!! WAS keeps telling me that I’m over reacting and that it isn’t good for the kids to see me angry. I agree, but to think she’s giving me advice on how to act around my kids. Sorry all I seem to be venting. Do I love her, Well I thought I did. I spent close to 20 years with this woman. I wanted nothing more to take her back and prove we were meant to be together. Now my head is spinning. Do I move on and not work on my marriage. Show the kids how one should protect themselves from getting hurt again and again. Part of me wants it to all go away. The other part is done with all the hurt and endless hours sitting and thinking about how to get back at her. I know I’m above those pointless actions of retaliation, but I wished she could feel the hurt we as a family are feeling. . . .
Well I have so much more to say. Unfortunately, I need to get some much needed sleep before I work tomorrow. I can only pray I’ll be able to enjoy a night of peace.
Shane
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
Shane, I'm right there with you except a) no children and b) not getting a second chance. It's absolutely mind-blowingly confusing; as so many here have said, it's as if something has just taken possession of your loved one and is controlling them remotely. I'm in incredible pain with my simple situation; I can't imagine the agony you must be feeling.
Hang in there. I don't know if I should be trying to get my wife back either. We'll probably never know, but--and this is important--I bet either path will lead to happiness eventually.
You'll be okay. We all will. It's just stupid and senseless that we all seem to be going through it.
Thanks Hoswald, I know I will be ok. I have a lot of life to live. However, knowing I will continue my life without her in it is a hard pill to swallow. It has been 7 days since I posted the above stitch. Yes, I've cooled down a bit since. Good thing is I have both my kids with me. Unfortunately they haven't seen WAS in 2 weeks. Unlike the 1st time she walked away, I'm not going to push her into seeing the kids. That is something she is going to have to do on her own. I'm trying to be strong for them. They see me hurting and I know I can't hide it all the time. S tells me the other night " Dad sometimes I think killing someone would be better for them than cheating on them" "Why would you say something like that S" I replied. "Well at least if you were dead you wouldn't hurt like we are"
What could I have said in reply to that comment? Ugh, WAS told me the kids would be fine and that people get divorces all the time. I just don't think she understands the impact of her actions or doesn't want to. You're right hoswald, something has taken possession of her. I don't know this person whom I have called my wife for the past 18yrs.
I know I cannot continue living this way. Funny thing is I'm afraid of myself. I keep thinking to myself "What if she came back today" It scares me to think I would let her back into our home. I know I can't do that for the sake of my kids and I's sanity.
I have had no contact with her in 2 weeks and I will not be the one to break the silence. I just feel lost as to how to handle the contact when it does come. I guessing I'll have to do a 180. Not for her mind ya, but for me. I can't sound bitter or that I hurting. I must be short in my replies and not veer into R talk.
I just can't understand how someone could do this to others. There is no good answer to that question I know. However, nothing justifies adultery .... Nothing
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
I have had no contact with her in 2 weeks and I will not be the one to break the silence. I just feel lost as to how to handle the contact when it does come. I guessing I'll have to do a 180. Not for her mind ya, but for me. I can't sound bitter or that I hurting. I must be short in my replies and not veer into R talk
How about you just listen?
Someone once told me in these situations, "Ask nothing; give nothing." I think that's about right. Just listen, and if she starts to go off on you disrespectfully or rudely, end the conversation, but if she keeps herself together, just listen. 90% of what she says will probably be fog and deflection, but in the other 10% there may be clues as to what she's feeling/thinking/doing.
S tells me the other night " Dad sometimes I think killing someone would be better for them than cheating on them" "Why would you say something like that S" I replied. "Well at least if you were dead you wouldn't hurt like we are"
Hi Shane,
I am so sorry you are back here.
Please, Please, Please take this very seriously.
Your son is hurting.......bad.
He wants the pain to stop.
He doesn't know how to make the pain stop, there is no escape from it for them.
As much as we as LBS figure out that we do not control our WAS's our children feel even less control of the situation that seems to be rocking their world.
Unfortunately, death seems to be an option that is talked about and even considered.....especially by teenagers.
I speak from recent experience unfortunately as my D14 just spent 10 days in the hospital for evaluation after she conteplated suicide.
While your son just mentioned that death would be better and he did not express thoughts of hurting himself.......it is thoughts like that that lead down a path to thoughts of suicide.
Just as we have to come to find out that our "individual" is not tied to our marriages our children have to somehow realize that their lives can still be happy and pain free and that they will not be forever marred by the divorce of their parents.
You unfortunately have to be your very best for your kids at a time when you are feeling your lowest.
This point is universal for everyone, children or not, wanting to save your marriage or not.......
The point is that you can find joy, fullfillment and yes happiness in simply living life. Sometimes you have to stop and look around and you can find the positive things in your life that have absolutely nothing to do with your marriage nor your WAS.
Learn this yourself.....live it and breathe it.......show your Son and Daughter that Life is Good and it is Good to be Alive....
Do this and you too will find that your marriage and your W are just a part of your life.......not your entire life.
Demonstrate to your children that there is sooooo much more to life than what they can see right now.
Consider getting your Son into counseling......soon.
Your Daughter seems to not want to deal with it and as she said is getting used to the fact that her parents are getting divorced. While you may be undecided about your WAW and your M, children at that age tend to be black and white thinkers......you cheat....I'm done.
My daughter did not understand why I was standing for my marriage and open to reconciliation for over a year, it added to her confusion......in hindsight I wished I had tried to keep the focus more on the kids when they asked about the Marriage.
Try to keep your kids focus on their lives and help them understand that they can still be happy..........
It does sound familiar doesn't it........
With regards to your W.......who knows......don't try to figure her out, she obviously did not figure her shat out last time.
Sometimes I think some of us DBer's are just too damn good.....
The divorce is busted and two people get back together and one or both have not done that internal digging that makes this one of the "Best Worst Things to Ever Happen to Us" as individuals.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
Please keep a close watch on your kids. Your W has left the marriage twice, now. You and more importantly your kids, are going to have a tough time working through this.
Please consider counseling for your kids. Your S10's words, and your D14's actions of staying with friends rather than being with either of you are very telling. If you can and if they can be convinced, providing counseling in any form could be very helpful.
Ok so I went dark since late June. I have had only couple contacts with WAS since then and they were simple text concerning bills or visits. Which she initiated. I replied with a short answers and that was the end of it. I have kept myself busy with moving into new place with our kids. Getting them ready for school which starts tomorrow. Yes we have been meeting with a C which has helped the kids and I.
I was starting to move to a much better place and wasn't thinking about my stitch endlessly. Two days ago WAS sent text to S stating she had "moved in with Grandparents and was going to start seeing them more" My S told me this and shrugged his shoulders. About an hr later I get a text from WAS saying "Hey". I replied "Hey" and she returned with saying she now lived back in our hometown and would like to see kids more. I said great and asked if her parents let OM move in with them before they moved out. (Bought new home, planned on letting WAS and OM move into old home til it sold) She replied "Oh you don't know?" "I left him too many differences"
So the honeymoon ended. The yr and a 1/2 relationship which was built on deceit fizzled out after nearly 3 months of living together unfettered by kids or me. Which I knew would be the case.
Yesterday I had to work and she started texting small chit chat stuff about her parents new home. I enjoyed the contact being it was the 1st contact we had without bashing each other. Then she sends me pic's of her in bathing suit. UGH why!! I replied "looking good" she beat herself up a bit about gaining weight then asked me to delete pic's. Several hrs go by and she text me about helping In-laws with something on new house. I didn't reply. Again later texts asking if kids could come over and eat dinner. This is the most contact we have had in nearly 3 months.
A flood of emotions has come over me. I can't stop thinking about our stitch. Is this a sign or just a rebound? Is she seeing the light? Should I play this slow? I texted her a good morning this morning. Which I feel was a backslide. Ugh my head is spinning.
Me 44 WAW 37 S 14 D 12
M 18 yrs T 20 yrs WAS 7-27-09 WAS #2 6-10-11
"Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome."
Very, very slow. Sounds like rebound behavior to me.
I don't think the "Good morning" text was a backslide, but I wouldn't do any more than that.
If/when she indicates she wants to talk about your situation, you'll need to be as calm, rational and unemotional as possible. I'm guessing you already have some boundaries you will want to put into place if the two of you start to consider reconciling.
Stay cool and be on your guard. This could all change without any warning.
H 56 W 48 D27,S21 SS25 SS22 Severely autistic M(#2 for both) 9 1/2 yrs. "I've never loved you" 3/7/2011 Separated 8/7/2011 BITS
