Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Walking in Muskeg - Part IV - Squishy Rubber Boots

SC,

Sorry that I mistook the intention of your letter. I have many such as yours that I've written out and filed away.

I just wanted to say that you are an amazing person and your growth has been inspirational to watch.

Hi SA
That's alright, no worries.
Thank you for the compliment. It's nice to know someone else sees changes if only in text here.

Busy GAL this weekend. Went out to celebrate with a friend. Stayed away overnight. Came home and found three messages ( none from STBX, not that I expected any.)

I expect to write another update later today.

New name QS?
I never understood the last one.

May it bring you a great deal of GOOD change.

Yes a new name chosen from tarot cards.
Thank you for the well wishes Cadet.

Update:

Well STBX came by to drop off the kids, and with a package I had picked up for him on Saturday.
In the package was a complete BluRay DVD/ sound system package.

To say I was astonished would be an understatement.

He stayed a few hours setting it up, with my help even though I am inept when it comes to electronics hookups and specs. He excels in this area.

I hugged and kissed him a sincere thank you and told him how thoughtful and kind that was and how appreciated.

I also reiterated my thanks with a text after he left.

It's funny though. I feel no physical or sexual attraction to him anymore. He's still a stranger to me and I'm not even sure I want him back right now. I'm now afraid if he does come back it'll be more of the same for me, and I don't want that.

Material things are all nice, we all have things we want, but that for me is not my overriding concern. I don't want to be back where I was personally or inter-personally, where my partner is a workaholic and primarily solitary and has little to no time for "us".

So back to status quo this evening.
Kids call him, I don't talk to him. He didn't ask to talk to me.
He did text me this morning in response to a thank you last night though and just chatted about world events.
Weird

As per counselor's directives I texted STBX this morning and asked if he could work an afternoon this week free.
I asked if he would like to join us at a park for a picnic sometime the rest of this week.
He said he would see what his schedule was like and get back to me. I said "Ok, let me know."

STBX then called this evening.
I asked how his day was, his hello sounded exhausted.
He chatted on about what work he's doing and it appears he's worried about finding more work in the New Year. (Perhaps the fact I'll be working soon will take some of that worry away? )
He asked about my day, and I shared. Even though a lot of it feels like herding cats from my perspective.
Getting kids to do what they're supposed to and not leaving the house look like a rubbish tip is an ongoing struggle, although in the last 6 months it's been getting better and they're listening more.
I thanked him for the chat, said goodbye first and hung up the phone.

Oh, and he said he'd take Friday afternoon off to join us.

Journaling -

Back from the picnic.

Atmosphere was great. Skies blue, few clouds, few mosquitoes , lots of butterflies and dragonflies, running water and lots of greenery. Lots of food and drink, a blanket on the ground, a ball to kick around. No traffic noises, no electronic hum, no cell phone service! Yes, we were somewhere remote, semi-wild and peaceful.
I just enjoyed it all, smiled, was pleasant and happy the whole time.

STBX popped by around 12:15. We took his vehicle as that's what he suggested. I had pre-ordered a lunch and as I was to go get it STBX came along with me. (Surprise #1) He was quick on the draw with the credit card (Surprise #2), as I was going to grab my own.

We chatted pleasantly enough on the drive there and back and during lunch sitting beside each other eating. Mostly about his work and light social conversation. He did not attempt to touch me and kept his distance pretty much. He kind of let the kids run interference between us, preferring to walk beside one of them, than me.
At least that's how it seemed. I am not upset by this, it's not unusual behavior, and in a way I'm past caring. I'm ready to kiss other boys

A very pleasant afternoon. I'm still amazed he accepted the invitation.

SC,

I like the way you have objectively analyzed and dissected your M. I have always thought though that your view was "dark", a but your last post changed that, as I could see the ray of sunshine, literally, in how you describe the picnic, and te ligtness of your heart when your H did good things for you. Admittedly, I don't follow your story too closely as sometimes they made me depressed, or maybe it was because it made me squirm, like seeing myself in front of a mirror and not liking what I see.

I hope there will be more pleasant afternoons coming your way. We have many of those too, in my sitch, and I just hope that it might lead to a love which we possibly never had before... but to think about it, all the elements for one is there -

I myself was starting to think that my H too has really never loved me, but a friend of mine pointed out that what we did not have was romantic love, rather than just not having any love at all. And when OW came along and he felt romantic love, he now thinks that is the only love there is and thinks that our M was a lie, thus rewriting our history. I told him it could not be a lie because at the time we were married, we both earnestly believed in it, and worked hard at making our life together a good one. I also acknowledged that things could change. I told him that it was unfair for our D12 to look back and think that her childhood was an unhppy one, and that we should emphasize the good times for her sake. Since then, I noted that H has stopped rewriting and actually brings up good moments every now and then when we are all sharing stories with friends and family!

Thanks for your response Angel61.
I'm glad you got how beautiful and pleasant the day really was.



Part of me hopes this is true in my situation. Another part of me is resigned to that not being true and working on my life moving forward with someone else in it.
Life is too short to be tolerated and I deserve and want more than that.


I am not so certain of that in my case anymore. Now I'm the one that feels unemotionally/sexually moved in a positive way by STBX.
I look at him and it's like looking at someone I once knew in highschool, that I've now seen at the 20 year reunion. My glasses with the vaseline on the lenses have been cleaned and there is no softening of any hard edges anymore, no blurring of reality.
In short, I don't look at STBX with the eyes of love anymore. I do however notice the good in his personality and actions a lot more and mostly ignore the bad.

Regardless, today was a good day, I am happy, I continue to grow and work on me. That's the best I can do.
STBX will have to find his own way back into my life if he cares to.
I am not hanging on anymore and I am meeting other people for coffee, conversation and casual companionship.

Journaling - update

So this morning I get a call. Who is on the other end but STBX. (OMG what a surprise as he does not call me unless it concerns the kids and certainly not in the morning). He asks me a rather peculiar question. I answer it.

He then says he wishes to drop by. ( Drop by? He lives no where near us to drop by). I said please give me an hour to get washed, dressed and eat breakfast, although if it's really necessary I can be ready in half that. He said he'd prefer sooner than later.

So, half an hour later he's at my door. I greet him. The the kids are all over him so I back off and go to the kitchen.

I turn around and here are three huge boxes.
You all remember that Blue ray system he installed the previous weekend? Apparently he isn't happy with it. In those boxes is a new multi-channel tuner, speakers, and yet another blue ray player.

I, and probably you reading this, am thinking - WTF?

He spends three hours installing it, and during it asks me if I'll go out and get some particular connectors/cables he's missing. I say sure, change my shirt ( it got dirty) and go. I bring back iced coffees for us both on the spur of the moment.
I tell him how appreciative I am of his kindness and thoughtfulness again. I tell him how astonished I am.

All through this installation I'm touching him in small ways, brushing his shoulder, getting him the proper tools, gave him a thank you kiss, rubbing some dirt off his forehead.

He finishes and then tells me that for optimal performance I'm going to need a new TV set. One with HDMI capability. ( He's still not happy with how everything hooked up and is performing.)

I say well I'll have to see what the paycheques look like as I've racked up a few bills. He says, "Yeah, me too."

I hug him goodbye.

Later he calls in the evening, and I say hello and listen, then say, here you go and pass the phone to one of my children.

I get a text. Child left his dad hanging on the other end of the phone and did not say goodbye or pass the phone on. So he's hearing everything but not getting any response. I text sorry, it appears our child got distracted and pass the phone to my oldest.
I get another text. He's wishing me a goodnight.

Are you just a little confused? I am.