One thing that I found valuable when I was casually going out with a female was that it reminded me of how it was like to date again. I remembered how to ask questions to find out more about someone I was interested in.
I actually took those rediscovered skills and applied them to my W. once I did, she slowly started to open up again.
I have noticed that I have rediscovered some of this too Bond.
OW is a tough issue. I most definitely see the point that many have made to me. But I also think that I have learned a lot just in the 3 or 4 short weeks that she has been in my life.
I also know now that it has no chance of surviving. In fact, I sense that it may already be on it's last legs.
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
But why was I trying to protect her? Not because I would feel badly about her being hurt... not that I wouldn't, but that's not the reason. The reason is that I was/am afraid that if I hurt her, she will walk away from me. So why am I afraid of that? I am afraid of not having her as a crutch through this pain that I am dealing with.
Thanks Dantes
Denver... THAT ^^^^^^^^ was a beautiful and honest realization and admission!
I can see some definite, positive change in you, these days!
W called my cell phone early this evening. Said she was calling to ask me a legal question. SS shot a neighbors window with a bb gun... accident. Neighbor asked W to pay to get it fixed. W was calling me to see if she needed to get neighbor to sign anything saying that she was not liable for anything after the window was fixed.
I know that I could be wrong, but I really think that W just came up with that as a reason to call. Pretty coincidental that W decided to call me on this issue later in the day after I had called SS to see how he was doing.
Anyway, after discussing the 'legal issue', W apparently wanted to keep talking. She talked my ear off about her jobs, her new place, SS, etc.
It was a very similar conversation to the one that we had last Thursday. W acted like she just wanted to talk and talk.... I mostly just listened.
A couple of interesting things that W mentioned during the call:
1) SS is 'furious' with her for making him change schools by moving,
2) She struggling financially
3) Her new place has lots of issues - W said that she was having to adjust to having an older place when she has been used to having a large brand new house with new appliances etc.
4) Her new place has lots of bugs and spiders... she hates all types of insects... she laughed when telling me about this, but I think it is bothering her.
I may have read this incorrectly, but I really think that W sounded a bit nervous while talking to me tonight. She started the convo out by asking me, 'is it okay if I ask you?'
There was definitely none of the anger in W's voice that I have had to put up with most of the past 6 months.
For my part, I was very friendly with W during this conversation even though I mostly listened.
When we got off of the phone, I looked to see how long we had talked. We were on the phone for 35 minutes.
No R talk... No talk of OPs...
As with the contact on Thursday and Friday, this leaves me wondering what is going through my W's head.
BITS Denver
M 43 X 38 T 13 W moves out of home 11/2010 Roller coaster from hell 2/2011-5/2012 I request divorce 5/2012 W moves home 6/2012 Good time 7/2012 - 1/2015 I leave 3/2016 process of divorce
I guess I will take a different stand here than most
The tickets were for SS
Give him the tickets but keep yourself busy that day.
Get together with a friend prior to giving away the tickets so that you are not dragged into anything
No reason to sell them (I don’t believe she has forgotten about them) and no reason to go if you do not even like the band
If the tickets were for him then let them be for him. You can’t go cause you are busy but he can still enjoy himself and you and I both know that W will not be taking OM.
As with the contact on Thursday and Friday, this leaves me wondering what is going through my W's head.
Our stitches are very similar Denver, T-9, M-2, no kids. Sorry this might be long, but I hope it is helpful as your thread is very helpful 4 me. I was fortunate to rid my W's anger @ me in about a month and half.
Sounds like the phone call went great and you listened.
As with whats going on in her head. Anything and everything you could possibly think about. I assure you.
Look the last two times I talked w/ my W our talks were suppose to be about legal and house talk, they were far from that, one convo lasted about 3 hrs, the other 4 hrs, a lot of relationship talk by her and even OM talk. It was hard 4 me. She even let it slip that she thinks about me all the time, its hard not to reach out and that she is losing not only me but her best friend. << Very hard to hear that.
After our last talk she left w/ OM on vacation. Go figure.
So yes ur W is thinking about you even if she doesn't reach out to you.
If it were me, I wouldn't read a whole bunch into what she is saying, content wise. But the fact that she is talking to you is good.
She obviously trusts you otherwise she wouldn't be talking about her life with you. But like you have said its a fine line, with dark and communicating.
But I am noticing a pattern that my W is taking.
My W does not respond well to text, email, phone calls, it allows her to be closed off, its easy for her to fake the conversation IMO.
I basically kill it if I am able to see her, I can get her to hug me, accept affection, joke with me and piss off OM @ the same time.
So keep on doing what ur doing. If convo is going good, IMO, continue it unless you feel like you are going round and round.
When was the last time u saw ur W? Sorry if this was covered in earlier threads but how close is she to you? Are there any mutual functions that you could show up w/ SS to help gauge her feelings for you?
Her nervousness may be in part that she is not too sure where you are at especially w/ OW in the picture. I know that may sound dumb. But look my W is the same way. They are not like us, where we make decisions and boom that is it. They base everything off what they are "feeling", whatever was said in the past by us, is irrelevant. Actions will show her ur still open.
Women need to be constantly reassured. It's annoying.
But if perhaps if you were able to see her @ a mutual function or even @ her house to get rid of the bugs, you could see if you could flirt w/ her a bit like its no biggie and see where you are at.
To me it sounds like she is srsly testing the waters, but it may be as soon as she knows ur open to R, she digs back in.
Though really until OM is out of the picture completely by either her choosing or OM choosing for her we stand little chance IMHO, no matter how friendly we are.
Don't beat urself up about the OW, but be honest w/ her, look it takes me a lot right now to not reach out to any woman, I mean it would a huge life raft for me, but it truly does complicates things.
No joke my IC told me a story of a guy he was counseling, wife left him for OM, tried to get his wife back, nothing worked, he ended up meeting OW & started to fall in love w/ her, W filed D.....no joke 1 week b4 their D the C told him to call his W to see if she was sure that this is what she wanted.........she said no, she wanted to work on M.
Me:29 WW:26 No kids 2 dogs T: 11 M: 2 D-day 1: 08/2010 D-day 2: 05/2011 1 POSOM Separated: 06/2011 WW ILY commits to M 9/18 Files D 9/19 ILY Still 9/21 WW are fun
W called my cell phone early this evening. Said she was calling to ask me a legal question. SS shot a neighbors window with a bb gun... accident. Neighbor asked W to pay to get it fixed. W was calling me to see if she needed to get neighbor to sign anything saying that she was not liable for anything after the window was fixed.
I know that I could be wrong, but I really think that W just came up with that as a reason to call. Pretty coincidental that W decided to call me on this issue later in the day after I had called SS to see how he was doing.
Anyway, after discussing the 'legal issue', W apparently wanted to keep talking. She talked my ear off about her jobs, her new place, SS, etc.
It was a very similar conversation to the one that we had last Thursday. W acted like she just wanted to talk and talk.... I mostly just listened.
A couple of interesting things that W mentioned during the call:
1) SS is 'furious' with her for making him change schools by moving,
2) She struggling financially
3) Her new place has lots of issues - W said that she was having to adjust to having an older place when she has been used to having a large brand new house with new appliances etc.
4) Her new place has lots of bugs and spiders... she hates all types of insects... she laughed when telling me about this, but I think it is bothering her.
I may have read this incorrectly, but I really think that W sounded a bit nervous while talking to me tonight. She started the convo out by asking me, 'is it okay if I ask you?'
There was definitely none of the anger in W's voice that I have had to put up with most of the past 6 months.
For my part, I was very friendly with W during this conversation even though I mostly listened.
When we got off of the phone, I looked to see how long we had talked. We were on the phone for 35 minutes.
No R talk... No talk of OPs...
As with the contact on Thursday and Friday, this leaves me wondering what is going through my W's head.
BITS Denver
QUIT PULLING UP THE CARROTS TO CHECK ON THEM, DENVER. You're not allowing this (her, missing you) dynamic to GROW and DEVELOP.
FEAR is making you constantly engage with her, and it is those engagements that are HOLDING YOU BACK.
Everyone is telling you this; yet you keep touching the hot stove, over and over and over and over and . . .
You're not allowing this (her, missing you) dynamic to GROW and DEVELOP.
Agreed!!!!!!!!
Denver, You are close to doing exactly what needs to be done but are still dabbling with what "feels right" or what "feels good".
You know what Sandi's signature says.......
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
I may have read this incorrectly, but I really think that W sounded a bit nervous while talking to me tonight. She started the convo out by asking me, 'is it okay if I ask you?'
You are still analyzing your convo's with your W........this activity is taking your focus off of YOU and placing it on your W.
This is exactly why you are not "detached".
Just because you do not have R talk or OP talk does not matter.
There should be "NO TALK".........
NOW, IMO your W is starting to get the message up there when she asked "if it was okay to ask you."
Why did you not tell her "NO" ???????
Fear........pure, plain and simple.
Fear that she may decide to go through with the divorce....right??????
This would have been yet another perfect opportunity to state "why" you cannot have casual contact with her. It is also an opportunity to state that you are open to working on a R with her if and when she is ready to commit to working on it.
BTW, this right here is pain. VVVVVVVVVVV
Originally Posted By: Denver_2010
As with the contact on Thursday and Friday, this leaves me wondering what is going through my W's head.
The "wondering what is going through her head" is painful.
When you have contact.......you ponder what she says.....
When you ponder.......you experience pain.
Want to stop the pain?????
Stop the contact.
You are so close Denver..................
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
