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V,

I haven't read your whole sitch, but if your wife is having an affair, there's absolutely no reason for you NOT to separate your finances. It's very typical for people who are wayward to drain family finances on their affair partner, or even on their own sense of entitlement.

You were wise to protect yourself, and I hope you'll continue to, and not apologize for it. "I can see why you'd be angry, but I'm doing what I think is best right now in order to protect myself" is all you need to say to her.

Starsky

Val - I can see why you would feel this way. It looks like you feel that her continued presence, at this time, is making it much more challenging for you to heal your wounds.

I want to put it out there that in its own way, having this situation is a tremendous opportunity for your personal growth.

You are growing when you learn to accept where you are and not force yourself into a situation because of what someone else might do.

You are growing when you decide that you are no longer going to be reactive to her reactiveness. You will still feel a lot of things, but you don't have to let it be the thing that dictates where you go with it.

You want her to love you, right? Then you need to, more than ever, be yourself and love yourself despite whatever she does. This isn't feel good stuff... it's probably going to scare the cr@p out of you for a while but if you hang with it, I think it will help you grow in a way that you might have not imagined.

@ Starsky. Thank you. It was really hard to separate the w I wish she was from the w she is showing me. It hurts like h3ll but I'm glad I did what i did. She definitely feels entitled though!

@aeo. Totally agree with you. I feel like I am growing every day. She called me yesterday. I guess when you freeze an account, it closes it. The bank gave me different info than she did. Her response "so are you calling me a liar!". I validated her feelings but said, no I am not. I am just saying there are discrepancies but I am concerned that if the check is written out to her (which is what she said). Said I feel uncomfortable with if it was written to me. All in one ear, out the other.

I guess I was speaking more towards what she said.. that she cares about me, but some days she wants me in her life, some days she doesn't. The days that she does.. she reaches out. The days she doesn't.. she doesn't. She makes the decision every day... most days.. it's the latter. She doesn't know why it doesn't work for her, it just doesn't. 90% not talking to me, 10% talking at this point.

We are still married via FB. I really struggle with de-friending her. I never look on her page, but she does mine. I know if I do, she will see that as me being angry. It's really hard for me because every thing I do that would help myself would not bring me closer to my w. But letting her walk in and out is not healthy for me. I'm going around in circles.. but I just want to start taking care of me and get it through me head. "If I am truly helping myself, and I am not intentionally hurting her, that I am ok with the outcome".

Oh and I struggle with this thought. I have not given her a chance to miss me. The 10% she reaches out to me, I respond. But I feel if I do that, she won't miss me.. she will get angry at me instead.

Ugh.. I'm exhausted!!

Journaling..
Been trying to write in my physical journal, but seem to only have success here. Maybe its because I hope it my thoughts may help someone else, maybe it's to be held accountable, maybe it's to talk myself out or into something in regards to w. I'm sure it's all those things.

So I back home visiting my family. Its good to be away from w, d, and sitch. Especially since w said she would respond to an email and hasn't yet. Man that woman loves to push my buttons.

My family is far from perfect. Seeing my folks and my sister sick has been really difficult. I remember how easy it has been to run from the looming death. I also realized that although I am in alot of pain, there is much to be thankful for. I'm healthy and loved. Although there are no gaurantees about tomorrow, I currently wake up knowing that my body is ok and there is time.

Im finding this time to be priceless. I spend alot of time talking with my sister who also was married to an abusive spouse. It's interesting to see the similarities between our stories, its amazing how her words of wisdom gives me strength.

I think I'm realizing that I'm ready to move forward. I love my w and would have loved to make our m work.. But I also know that i only want that m.. With a person I haven't met. That isn't who she is or was. She couldn't be because she is an abuser. Am I rewriting history.. I'm sure a little bit. But I'm mad, and angry.. And hurt.. But I still do my best to not Hurt her. I don't take things out on her, and I surely don't dig at her for the things that are going right in her life.

Is she entitled to her feelings.. Absolutely. Was I perfect in my marriage..no. This isn't me saying that I am the better person. Only that I WANT to be treated better. I look around and see so much love from my friends and family and think " why do I want a woman who is treating me like Sh!t.". I don't anymore. The d will be fair and loving from my end. Her treating me mean, breaking her promises are just reminders of why I became fearful over the past 8 yrs..Because I knew deep down
she would act exactly how she is now.

Watching my fears come true stinks but it gives me strength that i don't have to Be in this dynamic anymore. We will see how I feel tomorrow but currently I feel peace and hope for a better chapter.

Please excuse the typos. Typing on phones is never suave.

Journaling/Venting/Praying

As it gets closer to Saturday, I get more anxious of returning home. I'm not one to run from my problems, h3ll I usually don't even want to, but I don't look forward to going back to LA and dealing with w.

I don't want the D but it seems that I will be the one making it happen if I want to be fair to myself. It's been a week and my w still hasn't responded to my email that she said she would. It was options of how to handle our savings account. I asked her to confirm that what we talked about on the phone actually happened since we don't have lawyers. I wish I could trust her but her actions are showing me that she doesn't even consider my feelings or what I am entitled to (she even admitted it). Based on our current situation, she has more than 50% of our assets. I just want it to be fair. It seems that only way that can happen is if I do it myself. To push this d forward so I can guarantee I get what I worked hard for.

I don't look forward to presenting it to her because of how she will react. I don't look forward to her being cold and angry. She has feelings of entitlement. She mentioned that she doesn't want to start resenting me (as if I had any control over it). I don't look forward to the emotional abuse that will follow. I don't look forward to dealing with the woman she has decided to be throughout this process.

I am scared that I will not have the strength to handle this the way I want. I am trying to be loving and fair, but to be supportive of myself. To stop the abuse. To stop the codependency. I am angry that she is treating me this way, I am angry she is still trying to abuse me even though she WANTS out of the marriage. I am confused how someone in a 12 step program would be so cold and uncaring.. especially if they are changing that about themselves.

But this is not in my hands. This is in God's hands now. It is not my place to judge, or even understand why this has happened to me. I know she is angry and I would be more than happy to listen, but this is her life now. I will live mine and trust in God has his ability to touch lives. He has touched mine and I have to trust that he is working so hard in me.. because he believes/loves me.

Val, I have been absent dealing with my own demons.

Yes, it is in God’s hands.

I remember a passage, it is in Mark: Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.

IMO you should retain an L to represent your rights particularly if you believe you are not being treated fairly.

No worries JS. Ive been watching ur thread. I don't have any words of wisdom. Just prayers and positive thoughts that things will get better for you.

Sitting here in the airport. Been all over the place the past 48 hrs. Sometimes I wish I wasn't such a planner. It doesn't fit in very well with my sitch.

MHL posted this on someone's thread and it has me thinking.

"It may be hard to do but try for a minute to put yourself in her shoes.........really do it, imagine wanting to divorce her. Would you want to be around her??? Would you want to go to look at apartments, or fix a roof with her, would you care what she did???

You may not like the way she "feels" but once you understand her "feelings" then you will be able to detach a little better."

If I answer honestly.. I would have a hard time being around her. In fact, I remember when I walked away from a previous relationship how hard it was to talk about to my ex. I was tired and angry of the way I was treated. In my mind I was done.

So I guess I can relate to some of what w is feeling. So now that I know... how can I detach? Because when I hear stuff like this, I just feel so much compassion for her, so much love for her. It makes me want to keep trying and hanging on.. but I'm soo trying to be realistic of my situation.

Per my w's actions - she does not care if her decisions HURT my feelings. She has said she doesn't even think how things impact me.

Per my w's actions - she does not care about any promises made before we separated or even two wks ago.

Per my w's actions - she does not want me in her life. Does not make any attempt to be part of my life other than a FB comment here or there.

Per m w's actions - She has not contacted me in a friendly way since I protected myself with the bank account/found a hickey on her neck.

Per my w's actions - Anytime I mention anything about GAL, she says she's happy but not without cutting me in some way.

Per my w's actions - Her word means nothing to her.

Per my w's actions - She wants the divorce, but having conversations about it brings up anger for her. In fact, she can't even answer emails in regards to D. I feel like I'm doing ALL the work!

When I read this.. I'm kinda like F@ck it then. That allows me to detach.. however every time I see a post about forgiveness and grace, every time I see a DB post about a s responding positively.. I hang on.

I'm not even sure I want a m with her. There are alot of parts of me that is WAW especially when it comes to the abuse part. However, I never wanted S and d do go down this ugly path. I realize that I can only control me.. but damm I wish I could control her too! I know I can't.. just being honest with myself.

In some ways.. what I want is to Divorce, heal, and see if the good Lord thinks we should be in each other's lives when I'm healthy. To trust him and stop all of this. Work on myself and not worry about how w will perceive actions. Stop trying to figure out why she is acting this way towards me.

Urgh.. can I get off the rollercoaster please... how do I let go of the d@mn rope??!?

Starting the week off waking up sick to my stomach. It was so nice to be visiting family and not be sick. I hate that the stress of my sitch causes me so much health stuff. I've lost alot of my hair, alot of weight, alot of sleep.

W did get back to me about accounts. She's also pushing to start negotiation talks this week. In some ways I can't wait for this to be over. Dealing with my w has me an emotional wreck. I'm soo much healthier with her out of my life.

I will push myself to have these conversations with her. At first I thought I was running because I didn't want D or because I didn't think I was strong enough to be the person I'm becoming. But I think it's more fear based. That I am afraid of my w.

For example. I recently dyed my hair blond and bought 4 dresses. I feel really good about my body. I plan on wearing one to the meeting w/ her. But I have to stand in front of my mirror and talk myself up because I expect her to say something that cuts me. How sad is that!!!

The old me would just wear crappy clothes so I didn't have to deal with that.. but I like being feminine. It makes me feel good. She doesn't want to be part of my life.. so why should I let her control me still?? I know part of DBing is dressing nice, making them jealous. To make them wonder. Doing that means I get sh!t upon by w. She's jealous, angry, and then takes it all out on me. So I move forward knowing that I am doing this for me.. and there will be pain because of it.

Dealing with the really cold, b!tch of a w is new for people on this board. For me.. it's dealing with the old. I remember her punishing me, making fun of me, ignoring me and my feelings if they weren't what she wanted to hear. Dealing with the "Hyde" scared me so much that I stopped expressing myself, stopped taking caring of myself.

Now I'm looking her in the face and saying "stop.. you can't treat me that way anymore" Sticking up for myself financially, emotionally knowing that I am going to feel hatred. It's so hard.

So I ask this board for prayers. I don't want to d my w but I believe that God has a purpose for me that I may not understand. Since the s, I have become such a better person. Since the s, I've become more happy and loving. Since the s, I've started to grow some b@lls (yes I know I'm female) People say that I glow. What does this all mean? I don't know. I only know that I feel better with w not in my life. That breaks my heart in some ways. It some ways it gives me hope.

Sorry I realize I do alot of journaling here vs. getting advice stuff. I love hearing people's comments, I just feel that my sitch currently is about me dealing with the abuse and fears surrounding my w. Maybe I should move an abuse forum.. but I like you guys soo much!

Woke up this morning... tired. I miss the 7-8 hours of sleep I was getting a night.

Went to the bank yesterday to deal with some stress about finances. It ended up working in my favor. My favor being what is fair until w and I can successful split our assets. Talked to L about my rights. Have a meeting scheduled with pastor on Thursday. All good steps.

With finances safely secured, I told w I wasn't available to meet. Work is crazy busy and I just can't afford to get on that emotional rollercoaster right now. I don't want to have meetings that I am not prepared to have. I know I want 50% but I'm not sure what that looks like.

Emotionally I'm not ready either. I get sick just thinking about w, our sitch. Wish it was over.

Had a few moments of thinking "I'm running away, exactly like my w". Had to push that out of my head though. I'm dealing with stuff as fast I can. I really need to stop trying to take care of w all the time, and really focus on me. I need to stop giving her so much power.