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Going "dark" or "dim" is not "ignoring her." It is a sound strategy, grounded in the concept that the betrayed spouse needs to do it in order to protect themselves, emotionally. As long as Denver says something to his wife like one of the suggested scripts above (such as "I'm not ignoring you, just giving you the space you said you needed"), then it's not petty or vindictive, and it's his best chance. NOTHING good ever comes out of his exchanges with his wife.

In my opinion.


Starsky

I totally agree Starsky.

I guess what is confusing me is it seems like there is a perception that Denver is being told NOT to be dark/dim.

I don't see ANYONE suggesting that.

Denvers post above suggests conflict of advice. I am not seeing much if anything.

CS,

MHL said he was "coming across like a jerk when he didn't respond, and 25mlc told him to "stop ignoring her texts." That's what I was disagreeing with.

Dark is dark, and it is neither rude nor jerky if one explains -- precisely ONCE -- to the walkaway why they're doing it.

I thought Denver was wise to avoid his wife's baiting texts.


Starsky

I said to answer her ONCE, politely so she'd know he wasn't being petty.


(unless the question needs an answer. I thought the 'left the glasses at the house' wasn't weird and deserved an answer...or the owner of the glasses did...)

But going dim or dark is what I think would be a real 180 and MIGHT help.

It seems to get her attention...

Denver simply has to find that balance between going dark/dim and

not being a jerk or looking like the old Denver.

That can be a challenge

but aren't we all finding some sort of fine line at these times?

I guess this is what I read.

To me the suggestions were to do it sooner and clearer.

If you notice, Denver ended up saying TWICE.

Implying it was not as clear as it could have been the first time.

I am not trying to nitpick here, I am just suggestion sometimes we may all misinterpret what others are saying.

Peace

Thanks for clarifying, 25 -- makes sense, and don't get me wrong: I thought the rest of your advice has been spot-on.

Starsky

I think we're all in agreement here: say something to her ONCE, so she doesn't think he's simply ignoring her, and then stay dark (unless it's legitimate question about child).

Starsky

I honestly believe that my W is well aware of what MHL and 25 suggested that I should have told her yesterday.

I have told her a kabizillion times what I want.

I've spent 6+ months showing her that I am a changed man and that a life with me would be different than before. And W has acknowledged that she has seen my changes more than a couple of times.

She knows that I have a huge issue with her having any contact with OM. And I flat out told her after the toilet incident that I would not continue to R with her if she did have contact with him. So she knows this.

I guess I don't see how I could be more clear about these things.

I think that 25 is right. Right now, I am walking a fine line. I need to be firm in staying dim/dark and not letting her have control back... but I need to do it in a way that she perceives it as me reverting back to old behaviors.

It is tough.

Denver

Oh I know man. I understand.

My post you quoted was not meant to be a dig on you. It was to clarify that I felt some of the other posts may have been misinterpreted.

Based on your last update. I think you are doing well man.

We may disagree on the issue of OW. But that is not THE issue here.

Keep at it. Good to find your 'mojo.'. Regardless of it's source.

I know CS. I don't take any of the posts as 'digs'. I know that everyone is just trying to help me.

UPDATE...

W initiated text convo with me again today (Friday)... I'm going to edit much of it bc it is non-R talk... but fact that she contacted me is probably important.

W: "I sang at the yyyy wedding last weekend. They are from Pueblo and knew your family." (Pueblo is my hometown)

Me: "hmmm... the last name doesn't sound familiar."

W: "Sorry. Their last name was xxxx. Spoke to one of their dads. They are younger than us though."

Me: "Still doesn't sound familiar."

W: "hmmm the dad knew your family and Mike's. Knew about JJ too" (JJ was a friend of mine who died in car accident in July)

W: "They had italian cookies from Pueblo. That's how the conversation started." (W and I had italian cookies from pueblo at our wedding).

I did not reply to her last 2 text messages.

That's it.

Denver