Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Treading water - time and patience

So I didn't see my W last night.
I went to bed before she got back from her movie night with the girls.

I left her a Happy Birthday card and left for work before she got up this morning.

She knows I have tix for the show, she knows what time it starts - I'll leave it for her to contact me to tell me she is coming. I spoke to my friend last night, he says to call him this PM if W has made no contact and he'll come to the show.

Hello Peter, I haven't posted to you before but I've read along.

I'm sorry you got upsetting news about what your W shared with her friend. That couldn't have been easy to hear.

However, I don't think it has to change your path.

Her feelings at the moment are not set in stone.

When I was considering leaving my marriage last year, I said the very same things your W said to one of my friends.

I changed my mind because I did a lot of reading and reflecting...

You are showing your W that things can be different, you are changing, you are making an effort.

She could be noticing but is still unsure. She has reached out to you a few times. I think there is still some hope.

Just got a text from my W saying she'll meet me in front of the theatre 20 mins before the show starts.

Endeavour - thanks for reading and your encouraging words.
It was hard to hear what my W said, but I'd rather hear the truth, it gives me an idea of where her mind is at and what she is currently feeling.

Like many people on the board - we're looking for the magic formula that will transform our M, it took me a while to realize that I need to change myself and that my M *could* be saved as a byproduct.

I know she has noticed some changes - the challenge is that the wall won't come down and she seems determined to move ahead with the path she has chosen. I can show her a different path but I can't make her take it.

Endeavour if I may ask - was it a gradual change of mind or was there any one trigger that made you change your mind. I know everyone's situation is different - but it's great to hear from a WAS that has changed their mind, I was beginning to think they didn't exist.

Peter,

I research everything to death. It's my thing. I need to know both sides of a situation before I make a firm decision.


So I read books on relationships. I Googled. Then, I found this site and I was inspired by so many of the men that post here. I never knew men cared that much about marriage, or that they could talk about their feeling in such great detail. I had never experienced that before and it gave me hope...

But if it was one thing that stood out for me, it had to be a question that a friend of mine asked, "Can you honestly say you have tried everything to save your marriage?"

My answer was no.

Then in a book on contemplating divorce there was a similar question about consistently acting with integrity.

Again, I couldn't say that I had...

I do love my H.

I do wonder if our problems our insurmountable at times.

But we have children.

And one day, I want to be able to say to them that I did everything that I could to save my marriage, and that I honoured my commitment to the end. That's the legacy I want them to remember. That's what I want them to learn about marriage.

Enjoy the show with your W.

We too have children - one who is special needs and that has it's own pressures.



This brought a tear to my eye - you have put into words what I truly feel, I only hope that my W has also done everything she can.

Well I wish I would practice what I preached. If my W says something that isn't what I want I steer the conversation back to R talk - and it's not doing us any good, particularly as I know what she told her friend over the weekend.

We went to the show - it felt like I was sitting next to my sister, no touching, a peck on the cheek when we met outside.
The show was great and we both enjoyed it, we went straight home as my MIL was babysitting and had a late supper together. Conversation while we were eating was good and pleasant.

As my W got up to go to bed, she thanked me for the night out and said she had a good time....

Now where I blow it...

Me - "Great - I really want to do it again some time".
W - Doesn't say anything for a while.
Me - "Does that mean you don't"
W - "I'm not sure".
Me - "I don't understand why if you had a good time you wouldn't want to do it again"
W - "I don't know"

Me - "Where is this going, I don't get it"
W - "I feel like we are friends"
Me - "I would like more than that".
W - "I don't know I can offer more than that"
Me - "Well I'm not willing to give up - I am going to do everything I can to save our R, I hope you understand. The only way I will stop being a husband or a father is if I was forced to legally or a third party was involved".
W - "You will always be a father"
Me - "I do not want to be a part-time father - what do you want out of this "R"
W - "I don't know - what do you want".
Me - "You know what I want, for us to be a family and to be happy"
W - Says nothing for a while
Me - "Do you have anything to say?"
W - "Not right now - Goodnight"
Me - Go outside for a cigarette (yes I started smoking a couple of monthe back after quitting for a year).

I know I am pursuing - when she says something I don't want to hear, I question why and cannot stop myself.

We're going to the second MC session tomorrow and we haven't worked on any of our homework as we've hardly seen each other.
W is taking the girls to the lakehouse next week - I think it may be good to have a break, even though I will miss them all very badly.

I am then off for a week and we're supposed to go to the beach for a couple of days and spend the rest of the week on day trips.

I know I did wrong last night - and really don't know how to stop myself.

Any comments from last night (apart from the fact I blew it).

Only thought is this:



A million ways to stop...

The question is... what's STOPPING you from stopping...?

What is it that draws you into the conversation when the opportunity arises?

What are you hoping for? And why do you keep thinking that the results will be different, this time?

Impulse.
Not hearing the answer that would make me happy.
I sound like a 3 year old.

Maybe not a 3yo...

But GOOD!

So work on that... think of some ways to reign back your impulsiveness... not just with your W and your sitch... where else can you practice this?