Ha, I know what you mean about being able to survive without S but not wanting to. I may be young, but I knew for a long time before marrying my W that I wanted to be with her until old age. I also knew that we would go through our share of the tough stuff, so I'm hoping that this will just prove to be another chapter in our saga. I don't want to give up on us this early. To answer your question, I'm about 5 weeks in. I'm sure we've both got a while to go before before either S "comes down," so we might as well work hard on treating ourselves right. We're good people, y'know?
It's amazing that when I met my husband he was a loner. I had to ask him out. Now it's probably the opposite. Due to his work he has gotten more and more confident, and because I work from home I can deal with my clients fine, but have issues with friends.
Are you going to IC? I have had two sessions. She is very good and is open to reconciliation. I had originally set a time frame of six months, but who knows. Here in Australia you need to seperated for a minimum of 12 months before we can apply for divorce. My lawyer has actually told me as we both work divorce will cost us so make him apply for it. He hasn't mentioned divorce - just said he doesn't see it working anymore - but he did say that maybe in six months he might regret his decision. I know I need to wait this new "relationship" out - just wish I knew how long it would last.
People tell me I'm crazy for wanting him back. We have been together 14 years and life was good. I feel I haven't been given a chance - just boom one day it's over. Life was pretty good - we had already talked about what we would do in our semi-retirement in about 10 years time.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
I'm not in IC, but I'd love to go -- have seen C's in the past about various things and have found it to be very beneficial. Thing is, I don't make a whole lot of money, so I can't really afford it. This BB will have to suffice for now. Very glad that yours is working out for you.
If we had a law like that in the US, maybe we wouldn't be so divorce-crazy. At this point, we'll be filing for separation soon, and after that, she'll be able to D me whenever. At first, she was open to a separation in the usual sense (time to think things through), but in just a couple of weeks, she couldn't wait to get rid of me. Not sure what your H will do, but I've seen many flip-flops in my W's sentiments as time has gone on. As Michele says, it's "par for the course."
I think that if you were never given a chance to change, you have every right to be upset at your H. Me, I knew my W was unhappy, but like others have said, I didn't know that she was THAT unhappy. I think that most of the time, I just kept doing things that plain didn't work. Never thought about the potential behind choosing to do something else…. I think that if my family knew about the A, they too would think I was crazy to want W back. The thing I've been thinking more and more is that my W stood by me with unconditional love and support even though I did or said a lot of things that were hurtful to her. Now it's my turn to be unconditionally loving and supportive…
Yes my IC is expensive - $180 a session! But I'm lucky that I can afford it. Both H and I are on good incomes. He works in IT and I have my own Accounting business. My H never once said he wasn't happy. He reckons he feels unloved and I've refused sex, not kissed him back, gone limp in his arms when he hugged me, refused to let him talk. If he had of said something earlier then I could have made an effort to show more love towards him. I now know we both speak different love languages (have you read the 5 languages of love?). He reckons he's let it cheap away at him emotionally for years and he can never see us being together again (mine you that was after he said he may regret this decision in six months, and he again a few days after saying this again said he might regret this decision in six months). From what I have read this is him trying to put the blame on me for his affair (not that he thinks it's an affair - it's just a relationship he happened to start with the woman who convinced him our marriage was crap only 3 weeks after he left me), to try and stop his guilt.
Everybody knows about H's new GF and most are disgusted.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Your H sounds like he's really "see-sawing," which I've read is very normal for the unfaithful S -- ambivalence is a hallmark of the state of mind during this time. To stay or go? I have not read "5 Love Languages," but I've heard many people on the BB go on about its powerful knowledge, so I'll have to pick it up. The best thing that we can do during this time is learn as much good info as possible. I agree with your H's likely mindset about the A -- my wife thought about it the same way (i.e. not an A but jumping from a crappy marriage to her "true" love). The fact that our S's "fell in love" with OP in just a couple of weeks further makes me skeptical of this "true love."
I very much appreciate that you posted that link. Your friend speaks to a lot of what I'm experiencing, and I'm sure that my W is feeling the same things that she is. I especially enjoyed the entry about how her H stuck by her, got strong, changed the bad stuff, and was loving the whole way through, and now it sounds like their M is better than ever. My dream is to make our M stronger than ever after this is all through (if it ever does end, but I'm feeling more confident these days that we will make it to that point).
I also find it interesting that so many sources have compared an A to a "drug" or "addiction" or "high," including your friend. Given the amount of chemicals rushing through the brain during this "high," it makes sense that the unfaithful S testifies to going through a "fog" during this time that clouds their judgment. It makes it easier to fight for your M, knowing that they're probably thinking about as straight as somebody on a regular street drug would be. With any luck, our S's will simply come down off their highs after a long enough time has passed to realize what they're walking out on...
Words can't express what it was like to hear her tell me about 3 weeks back that she missed me and sometimes felt like she wished it was me moving with her and not OM. I feel like that's the REAL her...she's just obscured by the drug of the A right now, I feel, and only if I allow her "trip" to run its course will she be able to see reality again...
My H is definately gone. He has his own place, his new GF and for him it's definately over.
I'm glad you liked my friend's blog. I keep hoping that eventually my H will realise what he's lost, but I don't want to get too hopeful. I like your optimisim. Some days I'm optimistic and others I'm not.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
Oh, believe me, I flip-flop between optimism and pessimism, too. Some days, I think, "In my heart, I feel that she will realize everything one day, and we will both be better for it." Other days, I think, "I think she might end up with him for good." All I know for sure is that I don't see a lot of positive statistics for A's lasting or working out -- almost every one I read about eventually came to an end. I'd like to keep my hopes up, but I also don't want to raise them in case things really are over. It's like my mind knows how much that outcome would hurt, so it keeps throwing it up just to make sure that I don't think that a happy outcome is the only outcome.
She sent me the sep. papers a couple of days ago. Got them in the mail today. Will be taking them to court on her behalf in a couple of weeks. We'll see what happens next…
Yeah I always think 14 years together, 2 kids, a house, investment property etc etc are worth something. But then I think I don't know this man anymore - what if he's in the small percentage of people who have an affair and it works out. What if it lasts years? But then he's taking his time getting stuff from the house. Like today he was supposed to pick up extra stuff from our lounge but he didn't - just got the extra seats for his car.
How often do you talk to your W? I guess I'm lucky we have the kids and I get to see H once a fortnight.
H 34, W 36 T 13.5 M 8.5 C 6yo twins S 6/5/11 OW 7/6/11 OW moves in 9/18/11
For a while, she called me several times in one week. Then it was maybe once a week. Now, I haven't spoken to her in over a week, I think. Which is fine by me. I want her to really know what it's like without me around, just to make sure she's really thought things through about leaving me. Besides, I've got my own life to live. The sooner I can get to work on myself and learn to get through life without needing her, the better off we'll both be. OM will be moving to live with her by the middle of this month. I have no idea what to expect once that happens. We'll see. As much as it hurts to know that they'll be with each other, I feel that prolonged exposure to OM will help my W get a good feel on who she really wants to be with.
