Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

Journaling:

Woke up in middle of night and can't get back to sleep.

Last week of summer break almost up -- the girls go back to school Tuesday and I'm taking Monday off as well.

No big trips this week. Just hanging out at home and it's gone well except for two incidents.

I overreacted when being challenged by D12 on fitness. Not sure why on that one. I worry about D12 and she's getting it. Maybe I was just tired. But I got so agitated it took me several hours to get over it mentally. When I lose my patience with the girls I think "boy XW was right to divorce me."

D9 today wasn't feeling well so we were just laying around. She wanted to keep playing the Wii but I wanted to go to church. Because of work, kid things, I haven't been in three weeks and I really wanted to go.

She threw a major fit when I said we were going. I could have done a better job heading it off, but once it got going I did OK. No arguing on my part. No threatening. I just said we were going and waited the storm out.

When we went, as always, she had a good time. But she had to go to XW's first to complain and XW got her ready to go.

XW. I have not been avoiding her. I have been taking her calls. I have been making eye contact and I have been saying hi and goodbye.

Sometimes though I feel like I'm swinging the pendulum too far back towards when I would step in and rescue her. Then I think that perhaps I'm just better utilizing a resource.

I didn't want to go through the hassle of taking D12 to theater auditions and keeping D12 occupied because she wasn't trying out.

So I asked XW to take D12. That saved me time and a headache.

Tonight, after church I had a gift certificate to a nice restaurant and wanted to take the girls to celebrate the end of summer. I asked XW if she'd like to meet us there. She did and she paid for the difference between the bill and the gift certificate.

After, I thanked her for coming and she thanked me for inviting her.

Today, my old weekend softball team needs a player for the state tournament. I really, really, really don't want to go, but I hate letting people down. I was going to take the girls and then go to a resort nearby. It's a 90 minute drive to tourney, another hour to the resort.

But now neither girl is feeling well and it would be a tough day to be dragged to a tournament especially if you don't feel like swimming after anyway.

So I asked XW if she'd take them for the day. She said yes.

All this interaction/cooperation feels good/weird/bad at the same time. It's tough to keep an even keel. Church message centered around a theme "The Illusionist." Quit trying to live a lie. For me, I think it means focus each day on living better and the rest will fall into place.

Good for you!

I am just wondering do your kids come to you when they are having some issue at their Mom's house?

kat

OK. So the second time isn't as hard. Logged on to gmail.com and see Chemistry.com has matched me with a lady with the same name as the X. I click on the email. Right age but wrong city. So I log in and there she is. She just picked the city to the north as her city. I know she's looking at houses up there.

So Chemistry.com thinks we'd make a good match.

I put her in my "decide later" folder.

Funny, I noticed my heart started racing when I called up the match. It's the same feeling I get whenever I learn something or try to learn something new about XW's divorced life.

I think the key -- and Drew would agree -- is to stop checking.

Unfortunately, XW is in my thoughts a lot lately. All of the interaction the past few weeks has my brain churning. That's the downside of interacting with her more often.

I have a paper posted on my refrigerator with debts and my assets, to keep me focused on my financial goals. I also have three countdowns.

* One is the countdown to have enough to buy my own house (28). I just set a goal to be able to buy a house in three years. At this rate, I'm not sure.

* Three is the countdown of how many more months I have to pay child support (108).

* Two is the number of months until I hit 5 years of divorce (58). I picked that from the "I Do Again" book where the couple writing it got divorced and then remarried five years after the divorce. I'll take some heat for posting that number, but it gives me piece. When I'm struggling mentally I think the divorce is just two months old. It will take time. By the time that countdown has hit zero I expect to be 99.9 percent over this.

I hope once I get back to work tomorrow I'll be so occupied that XW fades a bit from my thoughts. The downside of all these weeks off with the girls is that being together brings back so many memories.

Last day of summer and we are doing ... nothing. D12 is playing on her computer. D9 is playing on the Wii. Beginning tomorrow it's back to a school schedule and it'll be better this year. I won't have to leave as early from work. I'll likely have to see XW more often though.

Kat, D9 stops by here, but she complains because I am rarely here when they aren't here. Between working out, my three jobs and the Tuesday/Thursday things, I'm rarely home.

D12 has not come over here and complained about XW. I'm not sure why.

I had an issue with D12 last night. She had a long day because she didn't get a lead part in the play she tried out for. But she did get her best part yet. She is in one scene where she has several lines. So far, she's always just been part of the larger ensemble.

Still, she moped all day. At night when I was trying to get them to sleep she said her goal in life is "to be famous."

They've been talking about this a lot at church. There are studies showing that the upcoming generation wants to be "famous" more than they want to be successful or to raise a healthy/happy family.

I told her if that was her goal then she needs to rethink things. Her goal should be to become excellent at what she chooses to do and if fame comes great. Fame as a goal itself is empty.

She hated that and marched upstairs and called XW to vent some more.

I thought for a long time about whether I handled that right. I remember reading "Talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk." I should have asked more questions, hoping she figured out on her own that her "goal" isn't really a worthy one.

But I was tired and instead I lectured.

I hope today to get things right.

Got sad today taking the girls to their Monday night events. I told them to me it was officially the end of summer. I asked them if they had fun and ....

D12 talked about the trip to Minnesota and the Rennaissance Faire. D9 talked about the Mall of America and Valley Faire in Minnesota and learning to ride a bike and riding on the scooter and all of the sleepovers.

That made me feel better. We had lots of very good times. I reviewed this thread and I wrote about the struggles, but they remembered the fun stuff.

That's what it's all about after all.

Still, I'm being sentimental. Last night I told D12 how much fun it has been being her dad in childhood. She said I'm still her dad. But I told her next summer she'll be a teenager and things are going to change, but I really, really, really loved enjoying her pre-teen years.

D9 came running into the kitchen and asked "what about me?"

I told her we have lots more fun ahead of us before she's a teenager.

And you do. Things will change. Some won't. D8 has suddenly started crying on the nights I have her when I have to bring her home. She wants to stay with me and sleep over. "I miss you." "I don't get enough time with you." I have to go back and talk about courage again.

Think of all your positive thoughts you had about YOUR parents. Then, make the same or better ones for them.

FIB