Thank you for sharing that very well written post. I agree with all of it.
I have cycled through the blame just as I have cycled through the emotions. At the beginning I shouldered ALL of the blame. After being blamed over and over by my WAS, I began to believe it. Now I own my part of the demise of my M and realize that it was not all on me. This is likely the case for MOST of us here.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Just a quick update because I am running out the door.
I have been reading along but I have not posted much.
I see some of my "old friend" still around and a lot of new posters.
To those of you, who are new, welcome! Sorry you are here.
Anyways here it goes
Friday August 19th I was doing a company run (3 miles) so naturally I left my phone in the car. I have not heard from X since the day before I flew to GA which was around the 2nd of August.
When I came back from the run I looked at my phone
5 missed calls
1 text message
1 VM
I put the phone down and began to get ready to shower since we had a formation coming up.
I spoke to one of the bits about it and they said I should call back.
The text read:
X: Hi. Sorry to bother you. Please call me when u can. It's really important
VM said much the same
Still I wanted to shower and call her back after my formation but the BIT suggested I call
I did
M: Hey what’s up, sorry I was running and did not have my phone with me. What's going on
X: That is ok thank you for calling back. I am sorry to be calling you about this X but my grandfather is in the hospital and they do not think he is going to pull through, he is down to 108lbs I just got home from Tulsa my car is still packed and I do not have a job yet. I want to go see him and so does my mom. I did not know who else to turn to and you do not have to help me and I would understand but I did not know who else to ask.
Grandfather lives in KY
M: I know calling me was probably not a comfortable thing for you. I will help you if I can, you should be able to see your grandfather if he is going to pass away. How much do you think you need?
X: well I was talking with my mom and I will get a job there if I need to depending on how long we have to stay. I was thinking about 1k and if you can't i totally understand. I did not want to call you about this X, and I am not saying that trying to be a b!tch
M: I know what you mean. I am heading to a formation right now so I have to see about this X. I would like to help you out but today is kind of crazy day for me, still i can maybe do something don't know about 1K. Just give me some time here to think about this ok? i will call you back. i know calling me was tough so I don't want to make this uncomfortable for you.
X: I appreciate that X
Hung up. Giving her the 1k was not the problem it is whether I wanted to or not.
Options:
1. "screw you, have your OM who you still claim not to be doing anything with give you the money. I am not a bank"
2. "I guess your perfectly executed plan of escape was not so perfect."
3. "I am sorry but I do not feel comfortable giving you money X. I am not obligated to and I don’t have it"
4. "Have your sister who has been a cheerleader for our D since we got M give you the money, or better yet, have her unfaithful, wife beating husband give you the money"
So I went with option 5
I called her back
M: I am glad I am able to help you and I will wire $600 to your account, I just don't feel comfortable with 1K not right now. I understand you are getting back on your feet and there is no rush to pay me back but please understand that this is a loan not a gift, I am sure you can understand that. That being said take your time getting on your feet before you pay me back.
X: I understand thank you I appreciate it.
Wired the money wished her a safe trip. She thanked me again told me she was waiting for her sister to get there with the van (which pretty much pi$$ed me that her sister was going) and we hung up.
Now I have a real sour taste in my mouth because her leach of a sister who has championed our D since day 1 is taking advantage of this. Oh well. Let it go 2step let it go.
No contact since then
Called yesterday to tell me how her grandfather was doing and a little about the family in KY.
Conversation was short she asked how I was I said good she asked if I would like an update on her grandfather I told her whatever she felt comfortable doing, that I would like to know how it turns out cause I always liked the old man. He was a good dude.
2step, I understand options 1-4 would have felt sooo much better, at least short term (I especially liked number 2) Glad you went with the one that would feel better in the long term. I think you played it perfectly.
Me 43 W 38 M 5 T 7 SD20 S15, S13 with 1st W ILYBNILWY June 2010 Separation/Bomb July 2010 Divorce Feb 8, 2011
I am curious to know the answers to Gritter's questions myself.
I am guilty of being the rescuer. As a matter of fact I did a similar thing on Monday.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Why did you do it? Good question here is the best way to answer it. About two months ago I was talking to one of my friends and he wanted to go see his kids in LA but did not have the money to go. He was not asking me for anything we were just talking. The next day I wired him the money to go and told him to go pick it up. No one should be prevented from seeing their kids because of money let alone a friend I have known for 20yrs and was my constant companion through both my Divorces. Why did I give my X the money. For much of the same reason, her grandfather is dying she was very teary eyed when she called and I felt bad. It was not a simple decision to be honest with you grit. I checked with some BITS and with some very close friends. The opinion was unanimous, if I had it loan it to her. She will pay me back and she has not been a scumbag throughout this whole ordeal so there was no reason to be nasty.
I know I did give W money when she needed it but I also was still attached to her wanting our M back.
I don’t know if that played anything into the decision although it was an opportunity to show that I am not the guy she made me out to be.
I wouldn't do it today. Not because I don't care but because I am no longer THAT guy. I will not make a habit of this and this is a onetime deal. Funny story though, my first wife who I have not been within 12 years was in OK visiting her son and she called and asked me for $40 to take him out because she did not have the money at the time but she would pay me back in a few days. I gave it to her. Do I want that M to work? He!! To the mofo NO. But it was for a good cause.
Just askin'. Want you to know for YOU.
Also I know I have to still stop myself from being the rescuer.
Did it make you feel good to be the white knight? At the moment yes………Now……….not so much. In a way I feel used especially when I found out the sister was going. I wanted to cancel the wire but I didn’t. I cycle from thinking it was the right thing to do to I just got played like a fiddle. Oh well. As always grit you make me think.
2step, I understand options 1-4 would have felt sooo much better, at least short term (I especially liked number 2) Glad you went with the one that would feel better in the long term. I think you played it perfectly.
Glad you went with the one that would feel better in the long term. I think you played it perfectly.