Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers She's STILL running away!!!!

Don't fake it. Involve yourself with legitimate things, and with genuine introspection and self-improvement, so that your happiness radiates GENUINELY as a result of how you feel about yourself. If she says that it's pi$$ing her off, say something like "Look, I'll be honest, I wouldn't wish what we're going thru on ANYONE, but I've also used this challenging time to find out some things about myself that I wasn't too crazy about, and I like the improvements I'm making. I still have a long way to go, but I've decided that life is too short and I choose to be happy, and not miserable."

Or something similar that sounds like YOU.


Starsky

Ok. Had a great time yesterday with the “family” celebrating s7’s bday. W did try to bring up separation (her leaving house and taking kids w/ her occasionally to other house) just as the day was starting. Trying to pick a fight. I asked if she thought that now was the best time to discuss it? She dropped it. Went to an amusement park and had a great time with the kids. Just before leaving, she tried to pick another fight.

On drive home (kids had headphones on in car) I told her I knew she was upset with me, but I truly feel she is looking for anything to spin into a negative light to continue to fuel the fire she has towards me. She is trying to stay upset and I really don’t give her any ammo to help right now (not saying there isn’t plenty from the past). We got home around 7:30 and she went to go “workout”. She later sent me a text saying she was going “out” for a while and would be home around 1:00. She is exhausted, very behind in work, has taken a couple vacation days in the past week to spend time with kids, drove over 6 hours round trip Monday night til Tuesday afternoon to get “space” again neglecting work.

She told me this morning she didn’t actually workout last night. I assume she went to her best friends house but I didn’t ask.

WTH is going on in her head. I know someone is going to yell “A”. Really don’t think that’s it. Her BF tells me she just needs space. I have offered to let her live in our investment property. I have told her I do not agree with her taking the kids there for any reason. They need the stability our home provides. I will not negotiate this with her. Should I?

Per my DB coach, I told her this am that for the vast majority of our relationship, I took a “this is how I am so deal with it approach”, with her and that that was a ridiculous attitude to have in a M or any relationship for that matter. We talked awhile about it.

I am getting discouraged. I have been at this for 6-7 weeks (I know that’s not a long time). I am not a real patient man but I have become much more patient lately. I see no real signs of her changing her mind on the D. I am feeling a lot better about myself and I know that is really the main goal of DBing. I look at my W with such love now. I desire probably as much as I did when we first met. I hate what my actions and inactions have done to her wonderful spirit. I want nothing more than a fresh start but I know it is very unlikely. I want her to be happy in life and I know I can help her get there is she could only find a way to let me. I also know that probably won’t happen.

I know we both own our parts of this, but my prior actions have lead to the destruction of our R. I only hope that my current actions will also lead us on the path to reconciliation. It is very frustrating though. I am letting her run and it just seems she is running away as fast as she can and my DB’ing is making it easier on her…….

Don't really have anything to add here (sorry!), just wanted to chime in to say this is pretty much exactly what's going on in my marriage right now. Keep letting her run...I don't think your DB'ing is really making it easier on her...the DB'ing will (hopefully) be what makes her stop running eventually, look around, and question where she is and just what it is she's running from...

No, for the reason you stated.

Stick to your guns.


Starsky

Here we go again…..just went down to the office to tell W I was going to pick kids up. She was distraught/upset. She started a conversation. Not yelling this time….just raising her voice. She doesn’t know shy she is so anxious in my presence. Doesn’t know why she gets so upset when I’m around. I told her I didn’t know either. Told her that over the past 40+ days, I have only been an a$$ during one of them IMHO and I feel very bad for that day. I told her I know I am completely vilified and evil in her eyes and that this vision of me makes her pursuit of the D seem more necessary and justified.

I am taking the kids away next week and she is taking them the following week. I told her I thought that time may help her.

She said she is trying to be nice and she knows I am too. I corrected her and said I am not trying to be nice to her. I am finally figuring out how to be nice to myself. I told her I am very happy and very sad at the same time. She asked what that meant. I told her I am happy that I finally have realized what I have been as a person was not what I wanted to be and that I am very happy that I now realize it and am making the changes to fix it. I am also very sad because of this tragedy (D) that our family is going through.

She said she doesn’t like to keep “running away” (ie going out at night, driving 6 hrs, I guess??). Says it doesn’t change anything and she feels horrible leaving kids. I told her that I understand that if she consistently views everything I do or say with suspicion and skepticism, I understand why she feels the need to run. I understand how frustrating that would be.

I also told her that other that seeing my kids in pain, I hate to see her in pain more than anything in this world. I wouldn’t wish what she’s going through on anyone. Also said I know my words mean nothing to her and that used to frustrate me but I now know there is nothing I can do about that.

I am kind of surprised that at no point did I see a completely hateful response from her when I was talking to her. This is the first time in recent memory when I told her something that was heartfelt that she didn’t make some snide remark or gesture. That actually felt really good to me. I am honest and I do not being treated like I’m not. Maybe me telling her that several days ago had an impact????

dearme...thanks I hope you're right. I am pretty confident that will happen but not real confident it will happen before the D is finalized. I wish you luck my friend. It is emotional torture and this is coming from a guy who had no emotions a year ago!!

I took the kids away Monday-Saturday night. We had a great time camping, hiking, bike riding, fishing, etc. I also hoped that my W spending time in silence would be a big eye opener for her. The night before we were leaving, we learned that her cousin committed suicide. She was not real close to him but it still had an impact. She didn’t confide in me, just gave me the basic info. Her parents came to town to stay with her for the funeral. W left with the kids today for a week. The silence in our house is deafening. It was very hard to say goodbye to my sons, on them and me, and the W for that matter.

She has been pretty distant from me. Cordial but not talking about much. This time apart from each other is important, kind of a pseudo separation. It sounds very selfish and mean, but it frustrates me that she has not spent much time in the house alone. I think she needs to see what her life is going to be like 50% of the time once our D is finalized. Every time I have taken the kids out of the house, she either has her friend stay over or her parents end up coming to town. I know I shouldn’t concern myself with this but I still want things to turn around and think she still doesn’t realize what the D really means. She probably won’t until it’s done.

I have been doing ok. I am still GAL’ing and plan to take it up a notch. I need to get out and meet more people. My social network is pretty small. I need to meet other women. Not to cheat on my W but to start to feel as though I have options and to try to continue building my confidence. When I do go out, I do get the attention of women and that makes be feel good about myself. I find myself thinking about my W a lot lately. I wake up thinking about her, I dream about her. I don’t like the thought of being alone. I feel like I have been for 2 months now. My kids are my life.

I am still feeling better about myself. I have been going to the Y regularly and have been interacting with people there. I have started taking workout classes which I never would have done in the past. I was much more inclined to just do my own thing.

I am being pursued by an old GF. She is in a bad marriage and contacts me frequently. I am keeping my distance. I’m ashamed to say it but it does make me feel good. There is nothing there and I know it. I am trying to not lead her to the conclusion that there is because I know first hand how much interference that can bring into a M. I need to completely blow her off as I feel like I am starting to do the same thing the OM did to my W.

I really don’t have a lot of positive things going right now but I do have hope. Still looking for work and my W pretty much hates me. She looks so attractive to me lately. I feel so much love for her and am tempted to let her know that but I know it goes against DB’ing protocol. I have started to give her some compliments, “you look beautiful in that dress”, etc. Her responses are brief if anything, but they are not negative which I take as a small baby step forward. It’s pretty sad when lack of negativity is a positive but it’s all I have with regards to our R and I guess it’s a start.

I am torn as to whether it’s good for us to be living together. On one hand I get the opportunity for her to see the changes I’m making even if she doesn’t trust them. On the other, she is not getting the separation that she needs. I worry that her not getting what she needs makes the chances of R more unlikely. I do feel living together is best for the kids in the short term but if it doesn’t give us the best chance to R, it’s not the best for them long term.

She had been talking about going to her high school reunion for 2-3 months. It was yesterday and she didn’t go. Haven’t asked her why but I am incredibly intrigued by this. She has been doing nothing but trying to reconnect with old friends and this would have obviously been a good opportunity to do that. I am pretty sure that the guy she had her EA with was going to be there. I wonder if he is blowing her off. Can’t figure this one out.

It seems I am in “no man’s land”. It just seems that we keep rolling along closer to D and she finds just enough reason to stay po’d at me to not allow herself to open up at all. My kids are starting to show signs of trauma. My S7 woke up one morning last week and went and sat in the car by himself for about 20 minutes. I feel so bad for them and this is now my main source of strength. It seems that my W is becoming less of a motivator to me.

Just thoughts….it is quiet in the house with the W and kids gone. It’s very lonely here so I need to get out as much as possible. I need to make the most of this week. Good time to GAL. I have a job interview today (for a job I don’t think I want) and plan to work out at the Y again. I used to be a national caliber athlete and it feels good to be getting back into shape. Went there for 2 hours yesterday and saw an old acquaintance from college and met another woman that was in the class I participated in. Also had a good talk with my brother which is rare. Felt good about the day.

I plan to take some time to reach out to some more old friends over the next couple of days and then I am going on a trip with my Dad and brother later in the week.

I plan to keep contact with the W at an absolute minimum this week….just plan to call to talk to kids at night. She needs to miss me. It will be interesting to see if she reaches out to me regarding anything other than today’s interview. I doubt she will. I will take any contact as a small win though.

I doubt she will, too.

I am not looking forward to being alone. I need a woman in my life. I need companionship. I have pretty much come to grips with the fact that my wife is gone. I hope she comes back to me, but I see no indication that that is going to happen. She is so bitter and hateful towards me. I plan to stay on the DB path though, trying to keep hope.

I have started opening myself up to meeting new women. I don’t want to and will not cheat on my wife. I realize that there is a fine line. I have spent months being upset at her for having and EA that she still will not acknowledge. That was then and this is now. We are pursuing D against my will and in my mind, the rules have changed.

The thought of having friendships with OW brings me comfort and helps me detach from my W. I have started perusing online dating sites. I haven’t contacted anyone, but it helps me to see that there is potential out there. I hate to think that I will have to start barhopping to meet women. Been there, done that. It has its upside but I’m 40…..turning into the dirty old man at the bar.

This week has been pretty productive and it is going more smoothly than I had hoped. It is very quiet in the house and I miss my family dearly but I am finding things to occupy my time. I worked out for 2 hours yesterday and plan to do so again today. My interview went very well yesterday and they have already set up a second interview. Still not sure I want the job but it is good for my confidence….still trying to get that back into shape.