And expect some cold shoulders from her as she'll withdraw.
She'll run, if you push her. So no more ultimatums unless you're really ready for either outcome.
You were dead on with this advice 25. In my enthusiasm I asked my wife if she would like to take the kids on a picnic on Saturday. I got an email from her at work saying:
"Hi That is great about you taking kids to the family thing! And I think no to saturday cause I dont want to give the kids false hope....."
I simply responded with "k"
She IS turning the cold shoulder.
Tonight I came home from work and the kids were all excited because "when mommy gets back from the gym, she is taking us to the drive in tonight to see the Smurfs movie". (without me?) What was I expecting... As it turned out, they were going with a friend who lives down the street with her kids... I am disappointed that I let myself believe that things might be turning around, when in fact that is not the case at all, or maybe I simply was expecting too much too soon. Patience is something I have always struggled with and definitely need to work on. Also, to answer your other question, when she said the kids need to see their parents happy, I only thought happy together and didn't even consider happy apart.. I thought I could detach myself, but clearly, I still have very strong feelings for my W. That also taught me a lesson about my weakness In communication... I should have clarified that statement when she said it, instead I chose to believe what I wanted to hear. It's my own fault. So, that feels like a backslide.
It really is true, we want most what is out of reach,
I need to figure out how I can work on my self esteem. It's ironic really, because until this whole situation happened, I would have considered I had very high self esteem, both at home and especially at work. Unfortunately, this has hit me hard and my sales results have dropped at least 40% since February. It's not that I care about the work performance (in a small way I do, but my family life is so much more important), but, I guess for men they identify a great deal with how they perceive other people see them in their work roles. I'm sure that is also affecting my dwindling PMA. I suppose now I can see that my marriage and my family are a huge influence on my PMA. I know also too that I miss quality time with my wife. And quality time together as a family.
I guess the other part that is making me feel insecure is that she is taking the kids all kinds of day trips and fun outings, places that I can't take them because I can't drive. It almost feels like she is trying to win them over so that they would chose to be with her in a split vs me. Is she feeling guilty because she knows that she will split up the family? Or is this just paranoia? Or do I just see it that way because I am having a bad day. Btw, I only showed happiness and contentment to my wife...
She is GALing much better than I am. I could never match her social calendar, nor do I want to. As I explained to her when we talked, I get out of the house 5 days a week and spend more waking hours at work, Than I do at home. I get my social life in at work, as I have fun all day with my co workers (and I do have a lot of fun,,, I'm the clown at the office and everyone is my friend). Whereas you are stuck at home all day, and need to go out on the weekends and I get that. I think she understood after I explained my take on it. Funny enough, I think her perspective on going out will change when she starts going to work outside the home everyday... I guess we will see.
Anyways, thats where I'm at today...
thought and prayers are with you today ninelives...
man hug). See just one bracket!
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
I do trust you, and I see your points on forgiveness. Yes it would be for me.
I am in the fortunate position (if you can call it that) to have 2 very good female friends at work who are in exactly the same situation as me exct that they are. WAWs. One is just become WAW (although she hates that term). She is feeling trapped in her marriage and has felt unhappy for at least 5 years. She wants to leave her marriage and when she talks about how she feels and thinks it is a window to understanding how my action helped lead my wife to this sitch.
The other friend (from work) who was a WAW and left her husband a few years back to persue her affair partner in a relationship. It is clear to me that she is not happy in that relationship most days when she tells me about her struggles with him. She even commented that she questions that she had done the right thing by leaving her husband. She said to me once, "I wish (name) would have tried harder". When I asked her to clarify that a few days later, she couldn't... Clearly she is still unsure on her decision to leave. She even admitted that her kids "hated her" for a long time for what she did and that they still don't have the closeness they had before the split.
Both of their thought and experiences also reflects what you have told me.
So anyways I want say thank you for your guidance.
I do take heed and I will follow it
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
And expect some cold shoulders from her as she'll withdraw.
She'll run, if you push her. So no more ultimatums unless you're really ready for either outcome.
You were dead on with this advice 25. In my enthusiasm I asked my wife if she would like to take the kids on a picnic on Saturday. I got an email from her at work saying:
"Hi That is great about you taking kids to the family thing! And I think no to saturday cause I dont want to give the kids false hope....."
I simply responded with "k"
She IS turning the cold shoulder. We knew this would happen.
Tonight I came home from work and the kids were all excited because "when mommy gets back from the gym, she is taking us to the drive in tonight to see the Smurfs movie". (without me?) What was I expecting... HAVE NO EXPECATIONS...THAT MEANS ZERO EXPECATIONS.
I am disappointed that I let myself believe that things might be turning around, when in fact that is not the case at all, or maybe I simply was expecting too much too soon. Patience is something I have always struggled with and definitely need to work on. it's one of your main 180s.
Also, to answer your other question, when she said the kids need to see their parents happy, I only thought happy together and didn't even consider happy apart.. Funny, I somehow just knew she meant as individuals and not together. Your expectations clouded your view of things.
I thought I could detach myself, but clearly, I still have very strong feelings for my W. I see little to no evidence of you Detaching...what do you see there?
That also taught me a lesson about my weakness In communication... I should have clarified that statement when she said it, instead I chose to believe what I wanted to hear. It's my own fault. So, that feels like a backslide. NO, Don't pressure her to clarify a statement like that...it's pressure again.
But I'm glad you see your own problems with communication, which earlier you globalized to all men and women. You gave men the "we're direct!" label and "Credited" women for being unclear, fuzzy, and holding long conversations
(which sounds like it's coming from a poor listener, but that's my FEMALE take on it...)
Anyhow- ASSUME she means the lesser of statements unless she is clear with words AND actions that she means more... so far, she IS being clear. Just not in the direction you want.
It really is true, we want most what is out of reach,
I need to figure out how I can work on my self esteem. .... GAL!! No more excuses about how fulfilling work is for that b/c it's not enough obviously.
PLUS it'd be a HUGE 180 for your w to see you go out without depending on her for transport.
As crappy as it sounds, I think it's a turn off for her, at some level, that you don't drive...maybe subconsciously. At any rate, we KNOW she feels pressured and pursued by you too much
and
SHE thinks you need to GAL more...what more do you want from her w/clarity?
I'm sure that is also affecting my dwindling PMA.....I know also too that I miss quality time with my wife. And quality time together as a family. That's more of the "want what is out of reach" philosophy of LACK...not PMA
I guess the other part that is making me feel insecure is that she is taking the kids all kinds of day trips and fun outings, places that I can't take them because I can't drive. Would it be better if she ignored them & was with OM? It is summertime after all...Don't make this ALL about you. Be happy for them. Well...try...
It almost feels like she is trying to win them over so that they would chose to be with her in a split vs me. Is she feeling guilty because she knows that she will split up the family? Or is this just paranoia? Or do I just see it that way because I am having a bad day. ALL of the above...^^^^...
isn't it possible she is showing them that even if you are not all together as a family, you can still have fun? Still be happy? It's an important lesson.
Try to reinforce it with your own activities with them and just you.
She is GALing much better than I am. I could never match her social calendar, nor do I want to. Well J1, the answer to this conflicting statement above is, GAL
...not that complicated. Stop making excuses like below.
Overcome your inertia. I think it's an underlying problem you've had in the m when it comes to changing yourself in areas that make you uncomfortable.
Newsflash...the uncomfortable changes are usually the ones we most need to make.
As I explained to her when we talked, I get out of the house 5 days a week and spend more waking hours at work, Than I do at home. I get my social life in at work, as I have fun all day with my co workers (and I do have a lot of fun,,, I'm the clown at the office and everyone is my friend). really? ...you sure you get "ALL the social life" you need at WORK??...that's why your self esteem is so low and your PMA is dwindling... Come on...
I think her perspective on going out will change when she starts going to work outside the home everyday... I guess we will see.
Good point^^^...btw, I am very glad you didn't go up to her and verbally "Forgive" her. See how UNhelpful that would have been? The more work you do on YOU and without expectation, the better a man you will be. That counts!
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She said to me once, "I wish (name) would have tried harder".
Have you ever asked her to expound on what her H could have tried? You see, this is a woman who left her H for OM, and now she finds herself just as unhappy as she was with her H. She is wanting him to take responsibility for her happiness.
I even read a couple of posts from LBH's who would ask if his WAW really wanted him to fight harder for her to stay with him. My answer? NO!! She doesn't want to be with him and that's why she's leaving! The harder she sees him fighter to keep her from leaving....the worse she feels toward him.
If you pull in.....she pulls away. I think you've experienced that several times.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have a lot of similarities. I'm also in sales. Nothing affects numbers more than being demotivated due to negative vibes. As you know, a lot of sales books talk about the importance of having a postive attitude. Read them, they have been helping me.
I bet you do have high self-esteem. Our circumstances really shatter this, doesn't it?
I've been through the stage where the wife was giving me the cold shoulder constantly. She also was constantly taking the kids out doing activities. It is a phase, at least it was for my stbxw. My advice is just be friendly.
You probably recall that about two weeks ago I was experienceing one of my down turns. I spent a lot of time focusing on what I wanted, how to achieve it, and how I needed to improve.
Being positive and fun I believe is helping me. Don't ask me how I'm doing it right now, I would have to guess a lot of praying for patience and getting a hobby that I enjoy that occupies my free time has helped.
Stay in touch.
Lonely in SLC
Bits M:35, W:39, M:12 S1:10, S2:8, D:5 Bomb: 3/25/11 "I am not in love with you anymore." Moved Out: 5/19/11 Divorce: 08/08/11
I have made all the 180s i can and be true to myself. The big ones , temper, impatience, housework, weight loss, I don't even have to think of them anymore, they just come naturally. I'm not one for going out all the time. When I get home from work, my wife goes off to the gym and I look after the kids... We (kids) do things together, I teach them to do chores, play games reading etc. I go to church on Sundays with them. I have a life. Not the life my W lives, nor do I want that life (bars, movies, concerts, parties). I'm past that stage of life. I do enjoy them from time to time, but not every day of every weekend.. I love doing things with my kids, but I will not have her turn this into a competition.
Now here is where I need some advice.
My wife is low in numbers of kids for the daycare. So, she is feeling the pressure to cover her expenses. I have offered to give her money in the past, buts she refuses. Now this Saturday, she is going out to get a labour job, to earn some money to cover her lost earnings. I want to offer her some money, but don't know if is should.
What should I do?
Is this a good opportunity for her to experience the loss (let her see how difficult work can really be. She has never had a difficult physical job before) that Sandi referred to? It would give her a taste of what she can expect living on her own. I have worked construction many years. I am well aware how tough work can be.
Is it a test from her to see if I am going to come to her aid?
If I were doing a 180, I should let her take those jobs. In the past I would have offered help.
Johnnie
Me 45 W 34 W.A.W. 3K. D11 S9 D6 M 12 y T 13 y Bomb drop 02/22/2011 2nd written bomb (Letter bomb) 05/31/2011 Affair (A bomb) revealed 07/03/2011
she has NOT asked for aid and you've offered in the past, why did she refuse?
And IF you believe it would be a 180 for you NOT to rescue her
then maybe let her figure this out all by herself.
Do you two split expenses or something? Why does the lost income hurt HER so much?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I guess I never understood that. What advantage is there, financially, to her being m to you?
Sorry but I say it's important you see another way of looking at that.
If you divorce, you'll pay her CS and will you also pay her alimony?
Sooo, how is she better off, financially, WITH YOU?
IF divorced then she won't have to wait for you to offer.
You see my point?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
