lc4, I guess I was posting my previous post as you were posting to me. Anyway, thank-you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I really appreciate them and they do help me feel not so alone. I will do the same for you.
You know, I think it's crunch time for me as well. I simply need to move forward one way or the other. If he tells the kids, I'm not sure I can go back at that point. But I don't know for sure how I will feel unless that happens. I guess I will know eventually and without doubt when I am truly "done".
I've managed to keep this latest go around from most friends, and all of my family. I've only told one friend and she's been supportive. She believes in marriage and working on yourself so she has actually encouraged me to hang in there. However, she does believe this is a character issue with my H and that he will always bail when the going gets tough, unless he works on himself. She worries about me and the kids and wants what's best for us. Sometimes she has confessed that I might be better off without H. She tells me lots of men ask about me (Facebook) but I'm not the least bit interested in other men at this point. That thought scares me as well.
And the only people that knew about the first bombing round (I don't count the ones when we were dating in this) were his family members. My parents never found out (I protected him) and we kept it from our daughter as well. H would leave when she was in bed and was back to take her to school. She was 5 at the time so she was young enough not to suspect anything.
If my family did know about this, I suspect that they would be very disappointed. They don't know the real H. Just what he wants them to see. If they found out, they would want to talk to H. Especially my Dad. He would have a nice long talk with H. Not sure that would be a good thing though.
I wish I knew what boundaries I should be enforcing. What's a boundary and what's an ultimatum is something I struggle with...
And honestly, if it wasn't for this board, I would have thrown him out by now. However, reading the forums (which I found shortly after the first bomb in this round) has given the strength to step back and not react out of anger. I recall you found this board after you threw him out so believe me, I would have done the same without DB! I actually packed up his clothing in garbage bags and threw them in the garage (oh the drama) the day after the bomb so I was going to do it but something I read on the board stopped me.
I'm not a long time poster (just a long time sufferer), but I say hear him out. If he has some questions and wants to discuss things, at least he's engaged in trying to find some answers. You shouldn't stuff R talks down his throat, but when he's wanting to discuss some things he's read, I think it's worth your time to see what's up. Again, at least he's reading and looking for answers instead of just rushing into a decision without talking to you. My advice is to listen to what he has to say but be very careful with your responses.
Thanks, lc4. You don't have to be a long time poster because you're living my situation.
Anyway, I guess I was mistakenly avoiding these talks because I thought it would makes things worse and would be pursuing or not giving him space but now I wonder if I made things worse by avoiding him because he seemed to pull back more when I didn't want to talk.
Because I just read in another thread that when the spouse is reaching out to you, then DB'ing would be to show them love. Instead the genius that I am, I withdraw.
Because I just read in another thread that when the spouse is reaching out to you, then DB'ing would be to show them love. Instead the genius that I am, I withdraw.
Listen, I own the title DB FLUNKIE, so don't worry about being a DB'ing dingbat! DG is 100% right; YOU know your H and your sitch, and this DB business is trial and error. You give your best and try different tactics, and stick with what works. Maybe it's a good thing that you put him off for a few days instead of dropping everything at his beck and call to do some R talk. Anyway, when you do get together to "talk," do your best to LISTEN. Don't react (I'm the queen of reacting, never works...you could learn a lot from my mistakes). I'm pulling for you, and I'm in your corner. STAY THE COURSE.
Thanks, DG. That's a good point. And lc4, thanks for the giggle. You're both right -- I just have to keep doing my best.
Anyway, yesterday evening my H send me a long text about some notes he had made going back to 2009. Apparently, he had been keeping a journal of incidents that had hurt him.
One example was forgetting to buy him a card for our Anniversary. I don't recall doing this but I apologized and told him if I could go back, I would do things differently. I validated all the points on his list. I'm not sure why he keeps saying he's leaving and then wants to talk more intimately about our marriage then we have in the past couple of years, but I guess that's what he needs right now.
We also discussed my contemplating divorce book. He had a lot of questions about my notes in the book. (I was feeling very negative during that time.) He kept apologizing for the things I had written or highlighted in the book.
Then he asked me for my list.
I wrote up my list of issues/hurts in the format suggested by Kaffe Diem. He was very receptive and very apologetic. Some points made him cry and he told me if he could go back, that he too would do things differently.
He again expressed how embarrassed he was about his behaviour and that he was sorry he had contributed to me feeling unsafe and disconnected in our relationship. Here's where I probably should have kept my big mouth shut but I asked him if he was so embarrassed then why did he keep doing the same thing -- threatening divorce and then taking it back because that certainly wasn't making me feel very safe or connected. He got defensive and said he's not able to express himself as well as I am.
H is going away on business this week so I offered to pack up his clothing. I also asked when he wanted to tell the children that he was moving out. I debated whether or not to do this but I decided it was a 180 for me because I don't actively pursue but he did say yesterday morning that he was feeling guilty about hurting me and the kids but just couldn't stay in this marriage. I certainly don't want him to stay out of guilt so I thought this was a way of showing that I was accepting of his decision.
He said he didn't want me to pack up his clothing because he was worried the kids would notice and he asked me not to say anything to the kids and to give him more time to think. Then he started stroking my hair and said there was a huge wall between us and he didn't know how to knock it down.
H mentioned during our talk that Physical Touch was on of his LL's so I asked if he wanted a hug. I usually let him initiate all physical contact so this was a 180 for me. He said yes and we had a very heartfelt long embrace.
So it seems we're once again back to the contemplating stage...
lc4, I'm not sure how I feel about it because he cycles back and forth so often lately.
I think some of it was positive but I'm afraid the "crazy train" is still boarding.
As KD said, when he's truly read for reconciling, I'll know.
Right now, I'm not sure...
He's gone for 5 days so I'm going to GAL and prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I think I'll get the exterior of our house painted and re-do the kids rooms. I love decorating and my D has been asking to paint her room in more grown-up colours so that should be fun.
E - I just read through your entire situation - I have been chipping away at it today. It is quite a crazy train. I am seeing some parallels to lc4's situation. I am seeing some parallels to mine as well.
My W has brought up the D word several times over about the last 9 years. The last two times have been with a serious note. It does erode trust in feelings and it does leave you walking on eggshells. I heard the "I don't feel emotionally connected" and the "We're just not compatible" and "Maybe I married the wrong person" statements.
I would say I see some positives in your situation. At least your H is willing to pick up and read some of those books. I think that's a big, big positive right now. That tells me that he legitimately sees some hope for the M. My perception is your H is very confused. He's also willing to talk, and when he does initiate the convo, it doesn't sound like it's always negative.
I would agree with lc4's comment above that it may be wise to set a time to talk rather than having you just drop everything depending on what mood your H is in. Maybe you would get a little more consistency?
What do you feel needs to change in your M? What does your H feel should change in the M?
DG is 100% right; YOU know your H and your sitch, and this DB business is trial and error. You give your best and try different tactics, and stick with what works. Maybe it's a good thing that you put him off for a few days instead of dropping everything at his beck and call to do some R talk. Anyway, when you do get together to "talk," do your best to LISTEN. Don't react (I'm the queen of reacting, never works...you could learn a lot from my mistakes).