Something I knew but had "forgotten" and worth noting just for a frame of reference...
I mentioned in a thread in newcomers that M is a balance between giving and receiving... and that receiving is MUCH DIFFERENT than taking...
Receiving is being gracious and appreciative of the gift whereas taking generally comes from a place of expectations and a sense of deservedness...
My W had expressed a number of times over the past year how she DESERVED better... and she is very... blind... to all that I have provided for the family...
And reflecting on that, I see that this is quite normal in her behaviour while I've known her. Not just from me, but from others...
She appears to live a life from a position of entitlement... and that's sad... I wonder if she even knows what it's like to really receive a gift...
Not from a position of DESERVING... not from a position of NOT DESERVING... rather from a position of love and appreciation...
Anyhow, just wanted to journal that thought for future consideration... regardless of what the future brings...
I've vented in newcomers but post this here for future reference.
A friend just let me know that my W has been telling people that I had an A with this friend about four or five years ago...
It puts my D8's question this weekend into a better perspective, as her Q seemed odd... my D8 asked if I liked this friend and if I would ever marry her... I simply said that we were friends and I would not marry her and besides, I am M and my friend is M, which seemed to satisfy her Q...
Anyhow...
I choose to let this go... it has no value nor will any action around this have any value to being helpful to my sitch... at least not at this time... at least that how it appears, to me...
It may take some time to really get over this, but as I said, I choose to let it go...
hmmm... meant my D8's Q last week, as she was with me last Tues to Thursday. Not that it matters, I'm just journaling and reminding myself of the dates that I had visits with my kids...
Naw, I never had an affair... did some serious reflecting on this and can honestly say I never even had an EA with my friend...
talked to my friend more about this thought and she concurred... definitely no affair...
There is more to it though, I've found out. Along with this accusation of my friend and I having an A... I've also found out that my W and OM are pretty much full blown...
When the kids are not with my W (apparently her "rule"), he will spend the nights over at my W's house or she will spend a weekend over at his place. Also, OM lives in a trailer on his parent's yard... long story, but basically when he and his X got together, he placed the trailer and they moved in... she had (his description) a MLC and bolted... he calls her crazy...
Anyhow, I understand that my W has completely integrated with his family...
And I think to myself... this was someone I really considered a friend... his parents are good friends with my folks... and I know them very well... and they are "good, churchgoing folk"... and OM has apparently returned to the church and in fact is chair of the church...
And this is OK with them all...? I must be the crazy one... *shrug* I have a lot of words that I would love to blurt out... but it's just not worth the energy...
And that all just brings up the thought right now... I wonder what kind of "lies" she's telling OM... and his family... and that community and that congregation... because really, I find it hard to believe there are so many people with such low morals...
I think that might be a judgment... I need to not do that...
Anyhow... I have no idea if she is just saying that stuff to justify her position or if she really does believe that I had an A... no matter, I guess...
I really have to call the L tomorrow and get this rolling...
Kaffe I felt much more in control and at peace when i got a lawyer. Filing was actually a liberating experience for me. You need to decide for yourself if it's the right time and what is best for you and the kids. My W was on a one way trip to rock bottom and I didn't want me or the kids to be on the coaster when she crashes.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Yeah, I can understand how at the very least, from a financial perspective filing was a good thing for you. Stabilize yourself and protect the kids from foreclosure.
I'm actually really feeling good about my choice to file. A long time coming, I guess.
I'd have to be honest here and say I hope... maybe had expectations that my W might "come to her senses" during the summer months, with kids off school and everything... but that was misplaced...
So this will bring a closure of sorts for me. Being in my mind set is the beginning of it. Have no idea how I will be through the process, but if I can stay out of my emotions, which are very dull in regards to my W at this point, then I should be fine...
I just came to a bit of an "understanding" about one thing that's been on my mind...
They say that love is a choice. It certainly is. It is a feeling, but it comes as a result of a choice, conscious or otherwise. We allow ourselves, we open up to give and receive love.
Well it baffled me how a WAS could calmly and sincerely say, "I don't feel married..."
The logic of it is... we signed paper, we stated our oaths in from of man and God, we're married... what's the deal?
So it struck me this evening...
We feel love because we choose to love... to BE IN love... when we choose out of love, we do not feel it...
We FEEL married because we choose to BE married... we ACT married...
The WAS... not so much... legal or faith... they CHOOSE to act un-married... therefore... they CAN NOT FEEL married...
Ring on or off, I chose to be married, therefore I AM married...
Marriage... like love... is a choice we make, every moment...
Kaffe, I agree that love is a choice and it's something you have to choose and demonstrate every day by your actions. I also spent months waiting for my W to "come to her senses" and trying to figure out what was in her mind. Eventually I realized that it didn't matter since she had become a person I no longer knew, and I decided that I could choose to not love this new person.
Me 46 W 43 M 17 S 14 D 11 ILYB 9/2010 EA began July/August 2010 ? PA began Nov/Dec 2010 ? I began DB in Jan 2011 I filed 7/12/11 Kids and I moved out 7/30/11 I'm in it for the kids and me.
Had some thoughts this weekend about my W and some of the stuff she's "thinking" and doing... Can't remember what they were... ah... how I love getting older...
Anyhow, I did want to just post here about how I see the D process going. Not that it really matters. But in the end, I'm still fighting for my M...
Of course, since I say I'm fighting for my M, it sounds a bit counter intuitive that I will be filing D. All I can say is, as I think I mentioned before, this is the end all and be all LRT.
So, like thus:
1) get with L and file a interim order on custody and some financials
2) begin proceedings for leg sep. + why not straight to D? + yes, it's an extra cost and step, but worth it, I believe + the whole point to this is to protect my financial interest as well as to establish custody and visitation of kids in a legal forum + and once this is completed, we are still M
3) ultimately file D + this will include the processing of the necessary paperwork + this will include a time frame for D filing and completion
What I'm going for here is, that I am specifically looking at the two primary possibilities in this, which are important to me.
+ this process causes a reaction from my W in a positive way (ie. she rethinks the direction she is following) + this process causes a reaction from my W in a negative way (ie. she gets so reactive and angry, that she wants the divorce)
Any middle reaction from my W will be settled by the time frame of the filing of D. Not sure how long I might set that in motion. Perhaps 2 years from leg sep.
So that's the game plan. I'm certainly not looking forward to being D. But my future needs to be open to the possibility that I can morally and ethically consider and begin an R with someone new at some point.
So the plan is forward and future oriented, with a "buy in" option...
I wonder if I should consider a "poison pill" in this contract...?
