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TG,

I remember very well when I reached the place you are at now.

I remember the pain of the decision. It was when I truly mourned the M.

Be patient with yourself through this. There will be days when you feel really good about it and there will be days when you don't. All of that will fade as time passes and you live your life.

It is difficult (at least for me it has been) to watch them go through the realization that you are no longer "an option."

You can always change your mind and that is ok, however, don't do it simply because you feel guilt.

I am truly sorry that you have come to this point. I do know how hard it is.

(((hugs)))

Cat

cat - I've thought about that quite a bit. In fact, guilt has been a major catalyst for a lot of things I've put up with in my M. It's no way to live. And the end result is that you end up where I am now. So, I definitely have to change the pattern here and stand up for the truth despite my feelings.

I know that it's going to be really difficult to watch H come to the realization that I'm not an option. I've been his backbone and support in ways that he hasn't even fathomed.

Now, I have to be my own backbone and support. I have to make myself the top priority...and I actually want to. Somehow, I lost that in my M. Never again!

Just talked to H. Was giving him an invoice for the business. He wanted me to see his new shoes. I complimented them, they were very nice. Said he needed "dressy shoes for going out".

Then, he told me that he'd gone on an overnight trip to Chicago on Saturday with "friends". Then, he looked at me with a big smile and said, "I have friends now. I have a life."

And how did you respond to that zinger?

Wow...what a really low blow that was.

I didn't respond. I went over the invoice with him and then a customer came and interrupted us. I said, "I'll leave you to it." and hightailed it out of there.

I don't even know how to begin to sort out my feelings about it. A part of me just aches, another part is angry, another part is apathetic. I don't even know.

Next time. You should just reply "that's nice", shrug your shoulders and leave. The best way to stop gloating is to stop it right away.

When you met him, how did you look? Did it look like you were someone who was holding on or someone who actually has a life and doesn't need to tell people? Were you dressed up?

Mr. Bond - Yes, I'm dressed well. I always look great at work. I don't always do makeup, but I did today and I just got my hair done.

I don't know if I'm just naive or what, but I really thought he felt that I should be happy for him. I've always tried to gently coax him to make friends. I think he went a 6 year stretch without any real friends that he was in close contact with. And I was always the person planning outings or trips - many of which he elected not to go on.

He's lying about his age, too. The few people that I know about that he considers "friends" are probably in between 19-24 years old and he tells them that he's 27.

It's crazymaking.

Yep he does want you to feel happy for him. For the WAS, acceptance by the LBS is important to them. That's why so many of them want to remain "friends" with their LBS. They are so full of their own unreality that they actually think the LBS is going to be okay with being friends after they treated them like crap.

I would suggest getting a different perfume too that he'll notice.

Remember, when he starts saying how happy he is, etc. Just say that's nice and then walk away like you really could care less or have something more important to do. You're not ignoring him, but then you're not letting him bask in his own happiness. You've got your own life after all.

This is a rant/vent or whatever, but I kind of need some guidance, too. If anybody reads it all, please chime in with your thoughts!

This whole co-owning a new business thing is going to be interesting. In a lot of ways, I wish I would not have anything to do with him, go completely NC and just close the door. But, I can't do that. My livelihood comes into play. I actually have a job that I really love and am being paid very well and that could be effected by the business we own.

H and I purchased a cafe where I work and all the little things that pop up from day to day end up meaning a number of interactions throughout the day. I handle them pretty well.

Today, it seemed okay for the most part. Then, H came down to my desk after he'd closed up shop and asked about a position (promotion) that he'd heard through the workplace grapevine I was encouraged to apply for. I told him about it. It would be a significant raise and a lot more responsibility. I told him that am kind of happy and excited about it, although a bit uncertain.

Then, he mentioned that today was a slow day at the cafe. The summer months here are sluggish for the cafe, historically and I've told him this repeatedly. The Fall will be an entirely different story. Plus, there's some marketing things he needs to do to make the place a success that we're working on. I asked him if he'd made his budget for the day and he said no. Then he looked at me and said, "Let me leave before I throw something again."

"Again?" I asked and he looked at me and nodded firmly, then left.

Oh, the drama! This is the kind of thing about him that annoys me and that I truly do not miss. He has a huge presence and he can be very, very negative...like negative to the nth degree...almost fatalistic. He has a seriously fatalistic view of the world and when we were together, he often painted me with that brush. I felt like I was running around trying to make things perfect for him to change his worldview, but there's nothing that could do that.

And I know that anybody who gets into a relationship with him will never be able to put up with the crap I did. The negativity and the super high expectations. All of his relationships prior to me lasted mere months. He's a very difficult person to be around. But when he's in a good mood, he's a lot of fun. I almost think he might be bipolar or suffer from depression, but he puts on such a good face whenever he's in C or in front of others.

I guess I'm just frustrated and tired and a bit worn out. Just over dealing with him, I guess. I can't get rid of him, either Even with all the infidelity and drama, I really would wish the very best for him and want him to be happy...I guess I'm just not sure if that's even possible. At least, it doesn't seem to be possible with me.