Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife no longer in love with me

Hey cam, I know how the LBS feels like they're all to blame.

Number one thing you'll have to figure your way out through, and move on from, is...

You are ONLY responsible for YOUR share of the problem.

You could become confused as to what specifically is your responsibility. The WAS may blame the LBS for a LOT MORE than the LBS's share...

Search deeply and figure out what is yours to own, then own it, forgive yourself and move on.

While you're doing that, GALing will help take your mind off things so you can detach and think clearly about how to proceed.

cam, you start by saying that you are 100% to blame for this and then you go on to talk about all of her problems.

What I see is someone who is accepting all blame, but sees the fix in her.

This is wrong on both fronts.

You are BOTH to blame.

And the only fix you need to be concerned with is in you.

I know there is blame on both sides, but I feel like I carry most of the responsibility. The most frustrating thing is that we both now know what we needed to do to have a successful marriage, but she won't even give it a shot or try because she 'got scared' and doesn't 'trust' that it won't go bad again in the future. It's not like there has been any cheating from either of us, so everything is so repairable, but she won't even try. She has just decided she no longer has the same feelings for me and that's it - end the marriage and engage lawyers.
I can't get through to her, no one can. Everyone tries to talk to her and tell her she's mad for doing this and walking away from everything we had together. I just get so frustrated I want to scream and shake some sense into her!
I hate this so much!!

I just heard from people at the wedding she was at that she has said that there is no chance of reconciliation with me. She wants to proceed with settlement and divorce as soon as possible. This has just defeated me, I'm not sure its even worth continuing my 2 other sessions with a DB Coach now, as I feel like all hope is lost. I'm not doing this to make me better, all I want to achieve from this is my wife back and the life we used to have together.
I have always been holding out hope that something would change within her, but now I'm done. I give up.

((hugs)) Only you will know when it's time to give up, but remember - believe none of what they say and only half of what they do.

Cam... take a breathe...

The truth is, even if you want to be done because of what someone told you she said... she's not done with you, yet...

If you think that walking away from her will be that simple and "easy", that is a choice you can make and no one will judge you.

But... if you want to survive this with at least SOME hope that you can become a better man that only a fool would leave... then this could very well be that chance you are willing to take...

You took the risk when you married her... why not take this risk, now?

What do you mean she's not done with me yet? As in divorce proceedings??

I dont ever want to give up, I just feel so hopeless and that no matter what I try to do it won't work, I have tried to be positive, but I just keep getting knocked down and I can't go on.
Walking away would never be easy, I just feel so foolish that I sit here waiting for something to change and happen with her and it never will. My life feels like it is on hold whilst she is off pretending I don't exist and that she wasn't with me for 8 years.

Hey CAM, your situation is a LOT like mine. Don't throw in the towel. Don't sit around waiting for something to change with her either. The change has to come from you, because it will make you a better person, and one who will be better able to get through the divorce if it comes to that, BUT also because the changes you make will make you more attractive to her, no matter what she's saying or doing right now, and that is your only chance at creating a change of heart in her. However, she has to see for herself that you understand why she's reached the point she has, and she has to see real change in you over a long period before that change of heart can start to happen. No matter how dire your situation seems, there is still hope, but only if you focus 100% on YOU, and your role in bringing your wife to her decision, and what you can do about changing YOUR behavior. Simply put, right now the only chance you have at changing your wife's mind is by changing your behavior.

More than the proceedings Cam, but yes... through the proceedings... it is likely she will take many opportunities to continue to point out her version of the truth of your sitch...

What that means is, you will actually benefit greatly from inner growth and strength so that the best outcome is possible...

That's why the work we do here, through the DB practices and introspection and GAL and 180s... THAT is what makes this work so valuable... and we can take our better selves and create relationships that we never knew were even possible... with everyone we have an R with...

My problem is its going to be so hard for me to demonstrate any changes to her as we have hardly any contact at all. That is how she deals with things. She would rather have no contact and pretend this is not happening and I dnt exist. She has even said that if the contact gets anymore frequent between us then everything will go through lawyers.
She is acting and treating me like I have cheated on her or done something so bad to her, when I've really done nothing. All I have done since february is try to save this and tell her how much she and our marriage means to me.
It is my birthday next weekend, so I presume she will at least call me, so that is probably the only chance of contact I will have with her and then it will be full steam ahead by her with the lawyers.
Is there a way to create more contact without looking like I am chasing?