Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I am so lost... someone PLEASE help me! 4

NOT what I said at all.

I said

Don't ASK.

"NOT what I said at all.

I said

Don't ASK."


Please elaborate...

He needs to ask if it's continuing. He needs to ask if she has seen/texted/emailed/talked to OM.

She may lie and than he can trust but verify.

OR

She may tell the truth... In which case he can boundary set.

IMVHO "asking" will put you in a position of weakness. It gives the power to her and OM.

Look. If she had ended it. She would have said so. Don't you think it's something you'd tell your S?

She just said in her email "nothing has changed"

I'm on my phone so I can't go to into it but...

A start?

"I asked you over a month ago If you would end your A. You have been unable to tell me you have done so... "

No asking.

All fact.

Johnnie

Just remember what I asked before.

Are you ready to do so without anger? Just strength?

Answer this question honestly.

I am going to wait till Sunday b4 I respond to her.

I will not be emailing. I said in the past to her that I was working on not being so reactionary, so that's what I am going to follow through on. Take some time to concider her email before i respond. This will also take the power away from her, as it is a total 180 of how i have reacted in the past.

Also I am going to talk to her as opposed to email as I want to break that cycle.

I was upset earlier to get her note but, bottom line is that she is not ready yet to wake up. Perhaps when she gets out into the "the real world" she will begin to see that her fantasy dream of how life will be happier if we split up is just that a fantasy. She really has no clue how difficult our lives will become, not to mention how much damage this will do to our kids. Her blatant lack of effort to work on our marriage is proof that she has lost sight of her regard for the kids welfare.

While it hurts to read her email, it does at least get things moving again. Now it is clear to me that I have to double my DB efforts.

"I asked you over a month ago If you would end your A. You have been unable to tell me you have done so... "


I agree 100%


She needs to end it or face reality.

She can not face reality while having an A and staying in the M.

Far too comfortable. She needs to be uncomfortable to have second thoughts.

As it stands, she is no longer even lying to you J. She told you about the A. So any guilt she MAY have is diminished.


And heed CS words. No yelling, No anger, complete composure, and 100% confidence. That alone will make her question her decisions, create some reality, AND create immediate respect for you weather she admits it or not.

Good luck!

Very good.

No reason to rush this. Make sure you make YOUR decision with a clear head.

J1,

Quit telling her what you want.

You have already asked for what you want. She, in an a VERY evasive way, has answered.

She is cake eating and avoiding.

What you need to do now, is be(and act if you have to) A MAN who has a plan. DB101 - is if it isn't working, do something differently.

IMHO she knows YOU are waiting on her to make the move, but she really "Senses" you are still waiting on her to change HER mind.

THE ONLY way you can do this successfully is to really take the counter intuitive approach and validate her and make her reality come true. GIVE HER WHAT SHE WANTS. Pack up her things, help her pack, and "gently" push her out the door.

If she even thinks for a second that you are "hanging" on she will continue to be wishy washy and drag this out. BE A MAN who KNOWS you can't do this anymore. Don't be a jerk, but be cool, calm, and collected about this. Show her you don't NEED HER.As soon as you do this, you flip the script.

The more you email her, the more you make yourself look weak, the more you cater, and the more you wait.....HURTS YOUR CHANCES. J1...let her go and let her feel the pressure of her decision. As soon as you take this burden off you and put it on her, the better you will be in YOUR life.

Life is a brutal experience and you will NOT change her mind or coax her into thinking everything will be better until YOU show her YOU don't need her.

Stay strong J1

Before I left for work this morning...

I hand wrote a note for my wife that reads "I read your email. Tomorrow morning while the kids are at church, we are going to discuss our situation. We will not discuss things today so that we both have time to compose our thoughts". J

I left the note beside where she is sleeping.

Are you sure that's what you want to do? Be sure that it's not just you wanting to do "something", like you have every since this started.