Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers It's life, but not as I knew it (HOswald, part 3)

Hos:

Glad you are holding up despite the latest chapter.

I did the same for my WAS...paid for her graduate education. Sadly though, we weren't married at the time, but were together for 7 years prior to that. I hope your attorney is able to protect your interest.

How is GAL going? Has school starting helped you get on a routine?

Hos,

IDK what state you are in , but since your w's legal argument appears to include emotional 'investments" that benefit you as a couple, so they = property to be divided, etc

then I guess you retain some % interest in her future earnings? I'd strongly recommend you push for that.

AND OR Alternatively argue that while you are grateful for all her support, you feel you repaid that by

1) returning the same "emotional support" for her explorations into the world of academia and

2) you were also actually, physically and financially supporting her and that was not reciprocated...perhaps you can deduct some of that from the gazillion$ worth of emotional support she gave you...

Math isn't a strength of mine but I think you have an argument in #1 above.

She can have a % of the assets...but the damn degrees ought to be counted as assets too.

My RN sister put her x h thru law school. Now he has a six figure income and she's at the same pay rate as she was before the m. She worked, full time, the entire 22 yr marriage AND had 3 kids.

Her h was periodically unemployed, Underemployed and didn't work at all while attending law school (I'm a L, and every married student in law school worked at least part time, as did I. Her xh was a wimpy lazy selfish man, and she loved him with all her heart)

So She got $150 a month in alimony for a year...I kid you not.

In contrast, my Younger sister never worked her 13 year marriage, had NO kids, and got 1/3 of her h's retirement for life...different states...

Bottom line is that a lot of these are plain UNFAIR...but I have to remind myself that when I think "unfair", then there is "Africa unfair" and I keep my perspective.

Try not to get bitter. In the scale of things, IF we were really to measure it,

She's got no real life job experience, (which is why even a PhD, left her without a job or anyone to hire her.)

You won't have that problem. So don't lose faith.

There are women out here in the world, who are great people with good souls, and likewise, good men too.


FWIW, my older sister who got so burned in her divorce but NEVER complained...is remarried.

She's genuinely happier now than she ever could have been with her first h. Her x was a taker; her new h (8 years now) is a giver.

Her xh did her a favor by leaving. I sort of knew that at the time, (hoped) but could not bring myself to tell my sister that.


Too much for her to hear. But I knew that someday she'd see the light. And she has.

Good luck

> then I guess you retain some % interest in her future earnings?
> I'd strongly recommend you push for that.

That's what I'm shooting for. I found a 47-page survey of cases involving spouses who supported a spouse through education with the expectation of increased standard of living only to have the supported spouse leave on completion, and the general conclusion was that the supporting spouse was entitled to something (although it often wasn't worth the price of litigation).

We seem to be doing a "mediation/arbitration" divorce; we'll see how that goes. I am certainly going to shoot for some sort of recompense for her education, and make the claim that since she has more degrees than I do, she should certainly be employable and not need maintenance pay. I doubt that'll be successful, but I'll try. My state is historically pretty rough on the higher wage earner, but we'll see how it goes. I've already basically lost half my retirement thanks to federal law, so if I can retain any more of that it's a victory.

No question, I'm losing a helluva lot. But if I can get over that, I will do just fine, on both the financial and emotional front... eventually. Seeing how far my STBX has gone into neverland, even with all the assets she's going to get, I can't see things working out well in the long run for her.

Still, a pity. Ah well. Mediation/Arbitration is on the 30th, so I guess I'll find out soon enough.

Huh, and found out today she's planning on being there in person with her (much older) sister for moral support. This is going to be a lot rougher than expected (she sent me this letter with a very chirpy "hope you're doing well!" as if my concern for her well-being hadn't died almost $20k ago).

Also going to pick up the rest of her stuff from the house. Considering staying out of town and having friends at the house let her into the garage where her pile is.

Looks like it's going to be "lose half of everything, no recompense for paying for her four advanced degrees, maintenance for 9 months".

And the sad news is, that's probably a GOOD deal after 19 years of marriage, with the legal system the way it is.

Today, she apparently (I was told by a friend) posted links to stories about how women are held in disregard and society should be ashamed of itself, and how if you're nice to someone, they take advantage of you, as if I had been abusing her for the past two decades.

I know this is meant to be a site about saving marriages, but from here, the legal institution of it seem so corrupt and unfair that I cannot recommend it to anyone. The better a husband I was, the worse the outcome turned out.

Not final yet, but we'll see how that goes.

Hos:

I'm sorry to hear about the latest update. Plain and simple, it isn't "fair", but sadly it is what is. I'm swallowing the same bitter medicine now, no recoupment for paying for her grad school and the increased earning power and must now deal with short sales/foreclosure mess.

What REALLY resonated with me in your latest update was how your WAW is trumpeting to everyone how she was taken advantage of and abused during your relationship. My WAW is doing the same and that infuriates me to no end. I wish I had some sage advice to handle this, but I don't. Moreover, I'm not sure how to one DB's with someone who demonizes you and the R and has no interaction with you while in the midst of their fog.

All I can offer is keep doing what you've been doing...you've been GAL and handling everything as well as you can. I hope school and your GAL is going well.

Keeping you in my thoughts and hoping for the best!

SIGH... had mediation/arbitration scheduled for tomorrow, tried to avoid it by having the lawyers come to an agreement, which they did. Not a great settlement for me but I could survive it. Cancelled the mediation/arbitration...

...and from the lack of news, STBX is refusing to sign. Yay.

Sadly this may be due to me sending her a "goodbye letter" which may have angered her. I should have just kept quiet. By now I mostly just want this over so I can move on.

Hos:

Did you send the "goodbye letter" for closure?

I hope your WAW does not drag this out by refusing to sign.

Hang in there my friend.

Ouch. You really shouldn't have sent that letter. It served no purpose whatsoever. What did it say?

No, I shouldn't have. It wasn't particularly vicious or aggressive, but still probably unwise. It expressed my frustration with the imbalance (that her "emotional support" entitled her to half my retirement while my "emotional support" plus well over $60k in tuition plus room and board apparently entitled me to nothing), confronted her with quotes from her past emails and journals (such as a year ago when she said she was only beginning to love me and would do so forever), and said that I released her from her vows so she was free to pursue her other extracurricular interests and that it wasn't my place to worry about her any more.

My mistake in thinking the deal was agreed on already. Ah well.