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cjackson,

Thank you for your support. I will say this though...at least your W was willing to go to counseling. That would be a major victory for me if I could find a way to make that happen but now is not the time I don't think. I know you said your message is to be continued so I hope to be able to hear more from you soon.

So I decided last night to take a Tylenol PM and just go to sleep. I'm still a bit groggy so I think I'm about to lay back down but something peculiar happened last night...before I went to bed I updated my blackberry status and facebook status to say "And now for the hard part..."

I woke up this morning about 7am and had 6 missed calls from my W (guess the Tylenol PM really worked because I didn't hear a thing) and what I assume to be several blackberry messages from her as well. I haven't opened them yet but the only one I can see says "So much I want to say...."

I don't know if I'm sure how to respond yet...and I'm still a little loopy from the medicine...so I think I may just go back to sleep for a bit before I get to packing.

Tried going back to sleep...that didn't work...I opened my messages finally and...well...wow! Before the long wave of them she tried to call 6 times. I really am speechless and don't know how to respond AT ALL:

W: I really need to talk to you.
W: I have something that I need to say. Sorry it is so late. If you feel like it.. When you get a chance.. Give me a call or shoot me a bbm.

Of course I'm sleep so a couple hours go by and the next wave comes in:

W: You don't have to worry about calling me. I just wanted to say that looking back over our marriage there are a lot of things that I did wrong.. Things you knew and things you didn't. I've carried so much anger around for so long for things you've done to me on purpose or not. But I never too responsibility or ownership of the things I did.
W: I carried it all around. The combo of being mad and or bitter with you, along with beating myself up for my own mistakes, and for feeling the way I felt about you.
W:I say all of this to say.. H I am sorry for everything that I've ever done to you. I can honestly say that I forgive myself now.. But I wanted to come to you and say I'm sorry for my part in all of this. From the lack of communication to the tit for tat things. I just had to get that off of my chest. Have a great day, and I know I hardly say it.. But I am really proud of you.
W: Not just of the school stuff... But the man you have grown to be.. It warms my heart to see how close you are to God. That's something that I always wanted for you.
W: To be honest it shook my faith.. Made me stop reading and praying, because I felt like you were doing it to just do . its something I thought wouldn't happen. I always felt like I was carrying the spiritual load. And that I was having to force you. But anyway, I'm truly happy for you. I see great things happening for you, just keep trusting him. Sorry.. Had to resend it.. My phone is acting up.

Then another hour and a half later the final one...

W: So much I want to say..


Like I said...I'm speechless...

Hi Mgm,

Whatever you've been doing is really working! I'd say keep it up in the direction you're going. Whether your marriage works out or not in the long run, you're definitely doing the right thing for yourself.

We're all here supporting you.

Best Wishes,
DianaJJ

Decided to do my devotionals and then take a shower...and then respond.

Got out of the shower and got ready to message her back....and she had called again.

Now she's upset I take it. She deleted me off of her blackberry messenger contact.

I shot her a text and told her the truth. Tylenol PM, didn't hear the phone, interested in hearing what she has to say. Of course she's ignoring me now but I'm not going to chase her on this one.

She put up a message on twitter saying right after deleting me from her blackberry messenger: "It's a great feeling when you decide to let go of the things and people you can't control. Things aren't always what they seem.. #freeurself"

I'm think I'm ok with this. I took time for me to process so I could respond appropriately. I didn't do it on "her time" so I guess she's upset with me. Don't know what's next in this but we'll see.

Good!



True! Is she DB'ing?

mgm, for some reason I thought this was interesting. I am wondering if my W had similar thoughts. It sounds like she is seeing and believing the positive changes in you. I echo the words of my Tuesday night group leader - when a Christian woman sees Christ in you, it's very attractive.


She's clearly on her own roller coaster right now.


I think this is a good approach.


If you employ the philosophy of believe none of what they say and 50% of what they do, you don't put too much stock in this. It seems to me she is thinking and acting irrationally.

The process is : Event-> Thought-> Feeling-> Behaviour.

She's totally reacting on impulse here mgm. (I say reacting because she isn't sitting down and choosing between actions, she sees one way to look at the world/you and reacts using her past patterns.

She's thinks it's rational, but she's not considering long term consequences at all.
Only short term relief.

She added me back to bbm and this is how that went.

Me: Did you receive my texts?

W: I did. Thanks

Me: Thanks?

W: For responding

Me: I wish I was awake to receive your attempts to reach me. I just was trying to get a good night's rest. These next 36 hours or so are going to be pretty long for me so I just wanted the energy.

W: Its ok.. I understand. Maybe its just best. I've never wanted you to feel used. Or led on in any kind of way. I feel like I haven't been fair to you or myself in this whole situation. I basically can't have my cake and eat it to, because that puts your feelings and emotions at expense. And that's not fair. As bad as I want to utilize the friends aspect of us. Its becoming very apparent that its not really possible at this point and seems to become a problem and or source of emotional confusion and turmoil instead. I don't want to make anything harder than it already has to be. So that being said.. As hard as it is, I thinks its just best. You don't have to respond.. So don't feel obligated at all. Its ok.

Me: Its not that I don't want to respond. I was trying to not interrupt you.

W: No its ok. Didn't take it any kind of way

That's where things sit right now. I haven't heard anything else from her nor have I tried to say anything else to her. I'm taking a break from packing up right now and it's gotten really tough for me all the sudden. Very emotional for me. I really don't know how to respond. I feel like "it" for her is saying we shouldn't talk anymore but yet she wants ME to be the one to say it so she doesn't have to feel bad about it. I'm not really sure.

She is really spinning man.

All over the place right now.

Just give her the time to work through this.

In the meantime. Take good care of yourself.

Peace.