Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I can take that punch!

You need to be okay with your own company first. When you can be alone, and feel at peace and happy just to be experiencing this beautiful thing called life, you know you are ready to share that with someone.

The problem is that having someone to share it with can bring out that neediness in us.

It is a bit like when someone poor is happy and living the simple life, then they win millions of dollars, and it just eats them up and tears their life apart and they are miserable. You gotta be in that healthy place first, and be able to maintain it. You probably also know some people who change around their partners. These people are too enmeshed with their partner, and too concerned with what they think of them. This is highlighted by them constantly taking their temperature.

Anyway, I'm rambling. You have the rest of your life to be in relationships, there is no rush. Also, you are valuable, and should be selective (dont let your ego get flattered by the first woman who shows you attention and trip over yourself to be with her).

JS, SF: Thank you for your feedback.

Yup, i really need to first figure out my life before venturing again into R's. One of my biggest regrets has been that i was hitched at 23 before i even got a chance at figuring out myself. This is my chance and i cannot afford to waste it.

Journaling...

Visited daughter this weekend. She was having an eye exam and i wanted to be there.

It was weird. All 3 of us went to the doctor. We drove in the same car. It felt like we were family again. For that moment, all that crazy feelings i was having about this other person just evaporated.
Things wenr really good at the doctor's office. Although we found that daughter will end up wearing glasses. W was lil worried that D will end up with glasses forever. Had to calm her a bit that it might be a temporary thing.

Daughter was sick that day and so when we came back she just went to sleep. I too was scheduled to drop off my car at repair shop that evening. So i left early.

While driving back, car developed a problem. I was getting worried that i might get stuck on the highway. Called up FIL. He's a car mechanic. I always took his advice when it came to car stuff. He was giving me tips on what might be wrong etc. It felt like old times. It felt weird when i called him and told him about the car. It was also nice of him to call back and inquire if i made it back.

All in all it was good visit. Wife did tell me that if i wanted i could take daughter when the next 3 day weekend comes. I told her i would wait a lil longer as i am not yet ready to take care of her as a single dad.

Sometimes i get this feeling if she's waiting for a long apology from me. But i have done enough apologizing. I feel that i am trying to be there for my family even though she has decided to break it up. I need to keep my self respect at some point.

I think i am just gonna give it more time before i open up myself to other people. Meanwhile I'll just love to live with myself.

Journaling....

It's been a long time since i updated my sitch. I guess it is because there's not much.

Whole of last week i was down with the flu. Caught it from my daughter when i visited her the week before. I went there to be there when daughter got her eye exams.

Funny thing. Usually at 8pm i call up wife to skype with daughter. Nowadays (i guess it has been about 3~4 days now) wife calls me up asking me if i wanna skype.

Last week MIL called me and wanted to clarify if i was planning on moving on (marrying someone else) or waiting on W. I explained to her that if wife decided to come back to work on the marriage and that if i had not bailed by then, then yes i would work on the marriage. I guess at the end i did not clarify anything for MIL. But an interesting point was that MIL asked me if i could 'sweet talk' my wife and might be get her to change her mind.

In the past everytime we had any argument, one suggestion from IL's was always 'just sweet-talk W'. 'Just make her happy'. I did do this all the while. But at the end i screwed myself over because by doing this all the time i undermined myself as a capable individual and slowly started thinking i was to blame for everything that came into our marriage.

So this time i told my MIL that i would not do the 'sweet'talk' anymore. After wife filed for D, it was very clear as to what her intentions were. I would lose respect for myself if i still went begging after her. I did feel bad telling her this. But it had to be done. I want my W to come back knowing that she respects me as a person and wants back in to the R, not because i 'sweet-talked' her.

I have to say, a big reason for my recent detachment has been the thought of the possibility of a new R in my mind. When i think that maybe i'd be happy with a new R, it does help with my detachment. Sad part is that there's no OW or anything. all this with just thoughts

One thing i did today was ask my lawyer to find out as to whats keeping up the D process from W side. I am gonna push it, but i'd like to know why the sudden stall.

Yeah, I'd like to know what the stall is too.

***Argh edit button.... I meant to say "I am NOT gonna push it, but i'd like to know why the sudden stall."

Mk, I am glad you posted I was beginning to wonder…Sorry you were ill.

I agree with not sweet talking your wife, she needs to want to return, not be coerced into it. I mean be pleasant as you can be but don’t sarcrifice your principals for a short term gain.

I too have thoughts of another R, but I know I am not ready. I need to heal. I sometimes wonder if I will ever trust like that again.

I think you’re in a good place, stay the course and chart progress.

Wasn't it 2Step that said look to the horizon, the ground will come?

Thanks JS.

yup, I am really pumped into working on myself. I guess my concentration right now is to get fit physically so i can look better I just have to make it last.

Amazing....2~3 months ago, what seemed like an abandonment by my wife now looks like freedom!

Journaling.....

I think i jinxed myself when i just said in above post that i am pumped about life.

Went with friends for lunch. Usually my topic comes about as they know my sitch.

2 weeks ago when i visited daughter and we were in the kitchen, somehow W and I started talking about daughter and next thing we know the R talk came up a bit. During that time i asked wife "Hey whats going on with the divorce? My L did not hear anything back from yours". To which wife said "You know that i lost my job and am not working. I am just lining up my ducks..." At that time daughter caught my attention and i did not ask W to explain what lininup-ducks meant?

As i have been learning to not dwell too much on these things, i promptly forgot all about it. Today during lunch, i just mentioned that my pals. Next thing, all kinds of conspiracy stuff are being put forth. Like "Oh man, your W might be planning on taking you to court", "Oh you should just pursue this and get it over", blah, blah. I like these guys and we are close. I do appreciate some of their advice. But today, what they said just spooked me out. Now i cannot help but try to figure out what W really meant by 'lining up ducks' stuff.

I dunno. Maybe i should just go back to forgetting it and just let things fall into place before wildly speculating.

Agree.

Protecting yourself as best you can is good.

But don't let your imagination get the best of you.

Well, it looks at least you have some more time to DB.

If you speculate, there are all sorts of possibilities. Some of them negative and some of them positive. Not really worth the time and energy speculating. I would say however (talking out of both sides of my mouth) that it is probably not economically feasible for her to take you to court.