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Valeska wrote this on another thread :


I have to tell you friends it's been haunting me over this last couple days.
More and more I feel like saying the words in blue to STBX's face.
I am so fed up and ready to go looking for someone that truly WANTS me in their life. As I am, for who I am, flawed as I am, in all the ways a wife is supposed to be wanted, and isn't just putting up with me, and having minimal contact for the sake of our kids.

I don't know how much patience I have left.

That is a great post and at some point we reach it. We all deserve to be wanted, needed, and loved.

When you are not able to answer why you are still wanting to save your M then maybe it is time to re-evaluate.

Hugs

Scylla,

I can tell you I have those feelings quite a bit! The funny thing is I am divorced and I could go out and date and try and find someone to fulfill those needs. The odd thing is I know I still need to work on me so I am not just putting a band aid on my problems. I have made mistakes through this process and I regret some of them. You are the only one that knows what Scylla needs at this point. You have been at this way longer than I have and only you will know when it’s your time to start seeking other options. I am proud of you for sticking this out as long as you have. From what I have read about you on these boards you deserve to be happy! I actually think everyone on here does!

Heads up all. I have requested a name change.

Good! Cause I couldn't pronounce it and could barely spell it.

You weren't the only one with reservations or complaints!

Had a counseling session today.

Discussed going darker. Figured out with help that this is a fear based response.
STBX has made several moves in a positive direction and it's scaring me and making me want to pull away.
Why? Because somewhere down deep I feel like it may be a setup for more emotional pain.
Plus I'm starved. Starved for emotional connection, sex, affection and companionship. I am getting impatient and my gas tank contains only fumes. My anxiety is kicking in again in this regard. I want a partner and freaking now already!

At some point in the near future I may have to confront this head on and state my needs clearly, and be prepared to be the WAS.

That time is not yet. Got too many things going on with September coming and a new job. I won't overstress myself by thinking action is better than inaction on the marriage/relationship front.
So...more of the same for now : watch and wait, be warmly pleasant, friendly, chirpy when contact is made. Keep GAL and be mostly unavailable. Stay the course. Stay the course.
Augh!

Queen of Swords, like the new name, though I thought I understood the old one. New name for a new outlook. You deserve it.

STBX was into Tarot for a long while.

I understand the frustration. I understand the need. I have been trying to decide if I am done, ready to walk.

We can do this on our own yet chose to wait.

Wait for a partner. Even the old one?

Yes, because they were a partner once.

So I too will wait a while longer, but I will not stagnate. With each day we become stronger, and grow further apart. When we are ready the last tie will break, and the WAS we become.

Queen I am also starved for all those things. I did not know how painful this would be. But I will wait and fight for my M as long as I can. Something that I learned in my training is to challenge my negative thinking, that it is not the end of the world, that this will pass. That my brain's auto pilot needs to be stopped. I try to not think in absolutes, that it is black or white. It usually is more like gray. But laltelty I am having a hard time doing that since I can't concentrate. I will pray for you.

Aww Queen
Please don't let me words to DG haunt you. They are meant to inspire you.

IMHO we all should realize that we, in actuality, don't NEED anything in our m. Everything is a want. Our "needs" take away the power we posses as individuals. Spouses and marriage should make the individual stronger, but if we are not careful, we can lose the "individual" part in the process. It's a fine balance.

"I am totally worth love and dont NEED validation from you. I want it, but I'll be okay if it doesn't happen".

This is NOT a bad thing. This is a realization that you are worth something. When our s leave, so does our self esteem. Having this feeling is saying we are worth it.

The fact that you want to say this to your h means you're don't quite believe it yet. You want to say it to him because you WANT HIM to believe it.

Trust me I get it.. I was in the shower the other day and I said those same things.. and then I found myself going off in a tangent saying even MORE stuff. Just telling my w what I thought of her. How I thought she was an a$$. It was very therapeutic.

My realization - that I SHOULDN'T say those things to my w because 1) she doesn't give a sh!t, and because 2) I'm expecting change and that's not what its about. 3) Some of that was out of anger and that's not who i want to be.

It's about me BELIEVING THAT ABOUT MYSELF. When you believe it you won't care about saying anything to h. No words, you just start living that way. I feel that you won't even want to because it just won't matter. Because it's no longer about the spouse and his perceptions, it's about you and who you are as a person.

I realize this easier said that done.. Trust me.