Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Piecing my marriage back together again.

Yes, you’re absolutely right; I need to work on myself. Having a supportive spouse makes the process easier. I've been through counselling for my anger management before, but I think another set of sessions with another counsellor is on order.

In the past, I've found it difficult to put myself first; marder complex I guess. What I know for sure is that my strategy hasn't worked.

My posts don't seem to appear, so I must be doing something wrong when I reply. I'll consider this a test run.

I haven't posted in a number of weeks; I guess I was fooling myself into thinking that the situation between my wife and I had improved; it hasn't. My wife doesn't trust me and frankly, it drives me insane.

For the past two or three years, I've been extremely difficult to live with. During arguements, I often make comments that are mean, which hurts my relationship even further. My wife has the memory of an elephant, which is also not good for me. She can recite, word for word, things I've said twenty years ago.

The issue isn't my wife's sharp mind, it's my inability to regain my wife's trust. I continually get upset when my she confronts me with questions, even though in my eyes, I've done nothing worng at that moment.

I need some advice on how to regain my wife's trust. Any help would be appreciated.

"I need some advice on how to regain my wife's trust. Any help would be appreciated."

Go back and read your first post. It seems like you say that you've changed, but then continue to argue with her and you say you've been "extremely difficult to live with."

If you've been like that for years, no change is going to happen overnight. YOu have to REALLY change. There is no quick fix. If you don't have the patience to do that, you might as well kiss your wife goodbye now because she's not going to be able to put up with that much longer.

You might feel she's "attacking" you when maybe she's trying to talk to you. It takes a while to unlearn bad habits. Stay consistent day in and day out. Be the man that she would be proud to be married to.

I guess I want to get off easy, to have the past disappear and to start fresh after each outburst. The problem is, is that my outbursts are weekly, which does nothing for my credibility. My wife isn’t vindictive, and I know she wants me to change; I want to change as well. The arguing drains me, and I find it to be counter productive. I usually wake up the next morning, realizing that I’ve put my relationship into reverse, instead of moving forward.

How is it that I can’t figure this out? My wife says it’s because I don’t love her, which isn’t the case. She is an amazing person whom I adore very much. From her perspective, it must be very confusing because I flip-flop quickly. I’m really sensitive when she questions anything I do, no matter how mundane the task. She has the right to ask questions, and I have been unfaithful in the past, so I should expect her not to trust me.

A great number of folks on this forum have marital and life issues that outweigh mine ten-fold and it’s a real eye opener to read their posts. It’s sobering to read about how much pain precedes the break-up of a marriage, and then realize that I’m the cause of this pain for my wife.

I often wonder what’s wrong with me, why can’t I stop the anger and learn to communicate properly. I used to say that I never wanted to grow up to be like my Father, but I have; just an observation, not an excuse.

I know people change; they do it all the time. My marriage is at a breaking point; now it’s my time to change.

Thanks for listening.

I haven't posted for a while because I've been busy digging a hole to fall into. My outbursts have continued, which has pushed my wife to the point of leaving. We're still living together, but we're not close, the way we used to be.

After reading some of the other posts, I'm starting to realize the pain I've caused and how difficult it is for people to realize that their partner isn't showing them the respect and love they deserve; that person is me. I'm the one who had the affair when my wife was pregnant and I'm the one who’s spent the last four years yelling, threatening and dishing out abuse.

I'm not having an affair, nor do I want to be involved at any level with anyone else. My wife doesn't trust me because of the way I act, and because of what I say. I understand why she feels this way.

Gotta go, talk to you soon.

My wife and I have been talking more, which is great. I appreciate that I've put her through a ton of crap and that she finds it hard to be close to me; makes sense.

One of my triggers continues is how my wife doesn't trust me. I try to let her know where I am all the time, but it isn't enough.

Any suggestions on how to earn trust?

Thanks again.

I had another blow out with my wife last night: a bad one. I'm an angry abusive husband, and I'm not getting better. I'm pretty sure that this is the end of my marriage.

I've been posting, but I don't see them in this thread; not sure where they went.

Regardless, my situation is desperate. I've been flogging my wife for decades; yes, decades. We've been married for 24 years, and I've been getting progressively worse.

I no longer have a shred of credibility with my wife. She doesn't trust me, she doesn't want to hear anything remotely negative, even if my comments make sense.

My wife is not my enemy, but I treat her that way. I've damaged her spirit, and she's suffering.

I need help to salvage this situation.

Herb-

It's really important for you to have a professional help here. Have you tried this at all?