Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis H's Sudden Awakening-???

Good Morning Tipper,

As 25mlc said. It is working. do what works, but while you are doing the LRT remember that this is for YOU, regardless of the response that you get from Him. You should be concentrating on you. He is responding from panic at this point and trying to " REEL " you back into his crazyness. Look at the statement he made in regards to Jimmy.........an active sober AA member quit without any notice or explaination? wth......of cource hes not gonna want to work with an actively drinking boss.....He got off the Merry Go Round to keep his soberity and probably his sanity

You need to keep telling yourself to Let God and Let God take control of your husband NOT you, if he so chooses, thats his won path to follow. Whats different now than all the other times in your marriage where you have tried to save him?
YOUR different. your in a program where your learning to live life again on your terms............stop the thoughts of trying to save and help him. Put up that big ole STOP SIGN in your mind.

Please read the thread I started yesterday " I need advise "
I had a very stressful Memorial Day weekend along with last weekend at our campgrounds with an actively drinking alcoholic
" MY husband "..........I am going back to alanon, I have mtg Thursday, gonna take a friend with me that has an active A that is also a WAH. I need to get back to my program. Remember when i said this was a life long journey. with or without them. I'm gonna take my own advise. AND i'm doing this for ME, not HIM

Hang in there Tipper It takes a long time to change and I think your doing good.

Love, Cindy

Tipper


read your own posts a few back where you asked us if you should help him out b/c he SAID he would stop drinking and go "cold turkey"...

THE NEXT DAY your h showed he wasn't serious about quitting drinking and returned the book...and you were grateful you had not been reeled in...


Now we're here again. It's like watching the movie Groundhog Day.


I can see backsliding, but in the same 10 day period? really?


Ask God for more strength b/c you are sabatoging your own recovery

(which does NOT help him either!)

I don't know what else to say. You gotta "woman up" & avail yourself of all the resources but if you don't take the advice or help that all these resources offer,


then what's the point? Just more cheeseless tunnels for you to crash into again and again.

You're better than this.

25 & Cindy:
Thanks again. I agree that I backslide from time to time, but I am now realizing it only hurts me and allows him to continue to point the finger. I am so appreciative of all your advice. Unfortunatley I dont have the access to a computer anymore unless if I make the trip up to my parents house. So I will try to keep checking as neccessary for your words of wisdom, that I sooooooo need as often as possible.

I fell for his pity party yesterday. I went to bowling and he text me and asked: "if I would talk with him in person or if we are gonna have to have outside sources deal with our situation?".I said: "I am just not ready to talk with him in person. Please allow me more time".

Then he said: "I dont understand why you wont talk with me, have I done some thing wrong, this is our lives and I know you have been talking with other people but not me". I said: "I am just taking the time to heal. I am in a lot of pain and I am trying to sort out my confusion, I dont know when I will be ready to talk to you. I am sorry we are going through this and I do miss you, but we need to take this time to heal and work on ourselves which can only come from within".

He said: "I wanted to get sober with you, but now I am struggeling and its too difficult, impossible". He is so delusional right now, he actually thinks that I have an alcohol problem just because I was going to the bars a lot just to be with him before he left me. I am sure that he thinks that I am in AA and not alanon (if he even knows what alanon is) since I told him that I went to a few Alanon and open AA meeting last week. I did that because alanon suggested I go so I can gain compassion. I know I dont have an alcohol problem. I have only had about 5 cups of wine total since he has left me a month & 1/2 ago and I am not struggeling with that choice at all.

Then he text: "I am used to getting Sh*t on, I just wanted you to be my friend, oh well, have a nice life". And "All we have is trust, when love is weak and the passion is missing, your misleading me and frustrating me and a talk is long overdue, after today, WTF?". And "God is great, beer is good, & people are crazy, I believe everything happens for a reason". Finally that was the end of his texting and I didnt respond, but I can tell he is ticked off.

Alanon assured me tonight that I am doing the right thing to distance myself and that he is putting the blame on me so he doesnt have to face his own guilt. They said again: let go or get dragged. I believe that is what I need to do as hard as it is, I am surrendering.

On my way to alanon tonight, I saw my H's truck at a bar a town away from home. Sly guy. So I know he is trying to avoid being seen at the local bars in our town now since his employee got badly hurt (fell off a deck and punctured a lung with cracked ribs & in the hospital for a week), and his other employee thats in AA quit unexpectedly. He is spiralling down fast and furiously.

Thanks gals for the help and advice. I am most definetly gonna stay as dark as possible.

On another sad note, My uncle passed away last night at 1:30am from the stroke/coma. Very sad. Wish I could tell my H, but I know I cant-for my own good. So I wont.I have my family for support, and My mom (it was her brother) needs my love right now so I will be strong for her.

Thanks again, for assuring me not to give in to his pity party. He needs to fall on his own. I am waking up,Finally. I will try to be back to the boards on friday or this weekend sometime.

TIPPER

can you make your messages back much shorter


or NOT at all? I don't think his texts needed responses...
"I wanted to get sober with you but..."

no he didn't -does he have amnesia?


He quit "QUITTING" after a day and returned the book to you...he's a liar Tipper, or he's so delusional he cannot recall his words from a few days ago.


Really Tipper, what is there to say? What is there to discuss? You have a L for legal issues...right?


So, what's with all the excuses for contact? I don't get it.



Do you "need" to talk with him in person about any of this? Why?


Did you read the book "Co Dependent No More"? What do you think of it?

Tipper, this man is NOWHERE near wanting to quit drinking. I'm not sure he EVER will. I'm not trying to be negative in saying that, just some people never want to quit addictive things..... I'm not sure where you go from here, I just don't see any resolution to this anywhere in the near future.

Tipper, I am inclined to agree w/BH. I remember thinking when you first left that a lot of issues did not seem to be resolved.

You have to let him go so he can learn to solve his own problems.

What they said ^^^^...


it's NOT happening anytime soon....if ever.

I agree with you all that I need to let him go.

Alanon teaches us that its ok to still have hope to see your loved one get sober. My brother is sober now & in AA for the last year & 1/2 and we all never thought that he would do it or ever see that day. But he did. People surprise you sometimes.

My H's recent texts have been the first time I have ever seen him admit that alcohol has ruined his life and that he wants to quit, but just cant. So I do see him changing/awakening a tad bit. However, I do agree that he is just not ready yet to actually get the help he needs. I cant read the future, but something in me tells me that he will hit a bottom and maybe then get that very help. I dont know when. But I do have that hope.

Until then, I am living my life and changing the ways I react to him (if I even respond at all) and he is noticing. Its making him angry and he is defenitely out of control. But I am trying to not let it affect me. I will continue to say no, or not respond. We really have nothing to talk about. He knows how I feel. If he wants to send me paperwork then I will bring it to my Lawyer. Until then I am just trying to surrender and make my life managable.

I dont know why, but I can not throw away my hope. What I see is a man that is lost and confused and doing all the typical things an alcoholic does. He is spiralling down very fast this time since he knows I am no longer playing his game and being there for him when he needs or wants me. It is so heartbreaking for me to be like this, but I know that I need to if he ever has a chance of getting sober. It is so sad to watch the one you love more than anything else in life, kill themselves over a drink. I know he is miserable and lonely and confused and frustrated and angry.

I am better off staying far far away for the time being. But I still have hope.I hope you can all understand. I know I can take care of myself on my own for as long as I need to. I know I have patience. And I know that if he and I are ever going to ever be a "we" that he needs to hit his bottom and find sobriety. If I meet someone else (which I am doubtful about) that I want to pursue then and only then will I make that jump. I believe in M, and the ties that we have are very strong. I know deep down he still loves me and before long he will want to probably come back again, and If it ever does happen - I will not be the pushover I was the last two times - I will insist that he is sober before we try to work on our M. On the other hand,If he wants a D, I will say ok.

I have read co-dependent no more. I understand that I have lost myself in his disease, and I am working on finding Me again. I am working on healing and not letting his shinanagins bother me. Its so hard, but I am doing better and gaining strength and courage everyday. He is not ready to get help, nor will I ever be able to fortell if he will in the future. But I still have hope and compassion for him and his situation. I Love him So much. For some reason, I cant let that go. Even if I can only love him from a distance right now.

I will not sit in bed and cry and become extremely depressed. I am seeking out my old friends and staying VERY busy. I am looking good, and getting lots of compliments. I am reconnecting with my family and got my old job back. I love so much about life and have so much to be thankful for.

I still love my H and I dont know If I could ever just stop that love. Even though I have been through He!! and back with him, I feel that one day we will be whole again. This is a gut feeling. I guess I cant explain. Until the future happens, I am hopeful for his recovery. I Miss him so. Only time will tell.
TIPPER
p.s. Cindy I cant find your new post you suggested thatI read. where is it?

I wish you well Tipper


I see a lot of rescuing of your h that makes me wonder what you get out of the m


so that's why I feel so strongly about co-dependence. I just don't get it, otherwise


meaning I don't hear or know of his attributes, (So I don't know what's really so wonderful about being m to him) but I know of his "disease" and it's a life drainer


Anyhow, no one said you have to give up HOPE...but I fear you are giving up way more than that


just my .02

Good morning Tipper, The thread I was talking about is under
" I need advise" by not sunny.Its been a few days so its probably buried a little bit...but I asked for advise from these great peeps re: My hubby's heavy drinking during the Memorial Day weekend, while we are trying to run a campgrounds.

I made the decision to sit down and have a talk with him in this regards...and to return to the alanon program.

I went to my first mtg in years on Thursday......It was sorta weird for me at first.. ALL new faces, it's a little intimadating for me.I'm alot more shy then people realize.....but I did leave feeling better," I'll keep going back"........Its a valuable resource for ME!

Hang in their girl..I of all people know how hard it is to love an alcoholic....BUT remember why U are doing this.Its not to get your husband back its to make a better and more joyful life for U.

Have a good weekend..........OH and were going fishing together today yeah. If the storms hold off!!!


Sunny