What do you do with a freaking idiot family anyway? Like my dad is calling me incessantly cause HE always needs something - okay, part of it is he wants to go to a balloon festival with my D on Wed and I'd have to go too but ... (I don't trust him alone with her b/c he hasn't taken care of a tiny kid - like ever) I just want to write to him right now and say talk to me after you've had anger management classes.
IDK. I really don't want to talk to anyone who can't work on themselves now.
Not trying to be too harsh here. But, really, everything here with your feelings is connected to someone else, your mother, your sister, your BF. You still have to work on owning your own issues, anger and stress.
I had what one would say is a rough life. i won't get into the details, but yes, perhaps I should be angry at the world, blame everything that happened to me on that. But I don't. Sure, I am sure it has affected me, probably led to my decision to marry H when it wasn't the best choice in the grand scheme of these things, but I won't hold anger and resentment towards that being my life and it's everyone elses fault I feel the way I do, or my life turned out the way it did. Actually I did pretty damn good given my circumstances. I take credit for that (and my dad gets a alot of credit)and any failures I have had, I also take credit for.
You have to stop being a vicitim and stop blaming your anger on everyone else.
GM -
It sounds like you put a lot of yourself in my experience. That may not be helpful to me right now.
So I'll clarify - for others reading this-
I am not a victim.
My family are not causing me to feel this way.
I can own my emotions and work on them.
What I'm asking for - just to clarify since it seems there might have been some misunderstanding - is what, then, do you do with a family who put all their issues on you?
My sister - my mother who says she can "help" and then gets all passive aggressive on me, etc.
This is a very different thing than saying "I am a victim and these people are the reason for my problems" ? right, cause I don't think that's what I was saying.
IDK. I really don't want to talk to anyone who can't work on themselves now.
This may be something to work on
How ... what would that look like?
Right now I feel like writing a letter to my father. I am, though I don't know if I'll send it. Basically saying I take care of myself and am working on me - I'll be more inclined to spend time with you etc if you can do the same.
Otherwise, I just avoid him - and I say nothing or make excuses.
Same with my sister - I can't deal with her B.S. so I send a quick note, say "i have all the support I need" and then just don't respond after that.
But I'm not sure if it's the best way of handling it.
The MC today said that anything coming from my family comes with a HUGE price.
Just like my sister the other day - she was being all "OMG, are you okay and "listening" over text messaging, if that's even possibly" and I start opening up to her a bit and like 'Yeah, it's hard, I just need to get some time to myself" and she WHAMS me with some agenda of hers - so I just cut her off.
I know I've been writing a TON on here lately, and I still want input on the R convos BF and I had and also on yesterday - but then I have this other update and questions about my family and boundaries.
I don't want to be a victim, and I'm not trying to blame others, but I really can't even see having R's with my family or his right now - although I can, just with better boundaries of my own. It just [censored] that I can't ask them for help of any kind b/c they are all so caught up in their own issues and like the MC said, it comes at a huge price.
It felt good to write this to my dad. If it sounds victimy and blamey- then I won't send it but I feel like this is healing. And I'd write something similar to my sister and my mom and the rest I can't do anything about - BF's family - BF - BF's dad. I just feel like I need to set a boundary with my family and keep doing the work I'm doing. Things will either shift with them or they won't. But I can just give them a heads up. There are plenty of C's out there if they wanted to seek help for themselves:
To my Dad
I'll try to come home Wednesday afternoon - maybe just you and mommy can take her? I don't know if I can go as mommy was supposed to help me on Wednesday and my sitter is here Thursday and Friday and I have deadlines.
I'm going to be honest with you - I mentioned that I'm dealing with a lot right now and I am.
The issues that BF and I face are probably not too much different from most couples with a child, but the biggest one is my working 17 hour days to both care for D so I don't have to put her in daycare (I prefer her with me or family) and then also work to support myself -
I won't get into the details of that arrangement but basically I am tired. I do this so I can have time with D, raise her the way I want (not in daycare) and I also must work.
BF's family is of no help, and that's unfortunately just the way it is right now b/c they are too caught up in their own issues. BF's dad would like to see me put D in daycare, and that's his opinion, not mine. So I don't ask him for anything either.
Mommy "helps" but when mommy helps me sometimes there is the feeling that I am actually now taking care of a second child. And then if I get upset with mommy about anything, I have SISTER on the phone in a new york minute harassing me that I'm "Being mean to mommy"
It gets old.
I'll ask you what I ask of mommy and SISTER at this point (though both of them seem to think I'm talking Chinese).
Everyone in our family, in BF's family and BF included really need to grow up. I've just lost my patience.
If I ask SISTER to do this, well, she doesn't know what that means ... she has too much anxiety and OCD much of the time.
If I ask mommy, then that doesn't make sense to her either b/c mommy sees herself as an angel and a Catholic and "growing up" just doesn't mean a lot.
And if I can define growing up it means - taking care of yourself so that we might all exist together on some realm as a family - immediate, extended, and otherwise.
Not acting like children. Not blaming your anger on someone else. Simple communication. Boundaries. Owning your own ISSUES and emotions. Apologizing when you've done something wrong. Etc.
The basic stuff we try to teach children. Respect, good manners.
If you can't do it in a family, then I don't know where you can.
So it looks like this - I take care of me and my health. If I don't like something someone else is doing I am allowed to say "I don't think I can agree to that right now." And take care of myself and not get angry. "How are you?" And actually mean it. Not "How are you" and by the way here's my agenda.
It's been astonishing to see people's true colors lately. The most important work I have other than financially supporting myself is raising a child in this world. I can't protect her from everything, but I can start asking for people around her to act a little more grown up if they want to be a family of hers.
Because I've spent my life seeking out how to be a better individual - a better human. How to manage anger, cope with emotions, be in a relationship, support myself financially, raise a kid, run a business, and so on and so forth and while I'm better in certain areas than others, at least I can say I take responsibility for myself by seeking help and support and therapy or church or books or exercise or meditation or whatever it takes to keep myself sane.
It doesn't always work. But I am trying, and I simply expect the same from everyone else.
D is my first priority right now. Not taking care of everyone else.
P.S. This dad letter is b/c he really is ON me all the time - calling, saying I don't call him back. I never return his calls, etc. always trying to get my attention, asking me to do stuff for him, etc. So he invited us to a balloon festival and basically this was my response!
1. I'm still dropping the rope and DBing, and trying to let BF see me as strong to reassure him, etc, despite the incident this morning (though I don't think that that worked against me -) (and it was a very different experience for us - he seemed to try to be "there" for me)
2. I'm trying to understand how to have boundaries with people in my life who are weighing on me. Would have been nice if my sister could have been a support or my dad or my mom or BF's dad or anyone, but when you rely on this set of people, they either act like children, hit you with their own agendas, or it's more trouble than it's worth. So I'm not sure what to do about that right now.
3. I'm working hard to find a nanny for my D. I had wanted to pay $10 per hour, but everyone wants $15 per hour (pretty steep if you ask me - esp b/c D is one very well-behaved kid and she'll be napping part of the day, etc) but maybe I just need to start offering $15. I wish I could involve BF on this right now b/c this is partly his responsibility - but I won't. That just creates other issues. The diff. between $10 an hour and $15 is about $500 per month, so that's significant. BF doesn't want to seem to acknowledge that childcare will cost us upward of $1500 per month. It's "my problem" right?
4. Continue to somehow take care of myself despite my exhaustion.
5. Figure out when to take BF into MC or if I should get rid of my IC and go to the MC as my IC - I really like her and she is taking me where I need to go right now where my old IC seems to be kind of enabling me, and I don't need that right now.
6. Put aside my anger at BF right now - based on what MC said today there's a lot to be angry about and she doesn't even see why I would want to be in an R with him, though I suppose I'm looking at the R as an improved R (that's what I can commit to - or at least a BF who is willing enough to get help) (she had said "he doesn't even care enough to get help") That kind of floored me. Like he thinks so little about his own issues, and is so happy to hide behind mine, he's not even in IC. But the way she talked about his deep ambivalence, made me wonder if he's just always wanted a D and no R and used me. (my fear)
Sigh.
I'm just trying to keep this stuff straight. I kind of went from yesterday feeling like if BF tried to kiss me, I would be open to that and open to reconciling, but now I feel like IDK - I don't want to push him away if he makes any moves toward staying, but I also need for him to know that things need to change.
And I'm not even sure what all his recent behavior means.
I guess one of the dilemmas, and I guess this gets talked about all the time on the boards, but I'm not really sure how it's handled in DB is ...
What if you are torn about DBing for someone who therapists say is "ambivalent" about relationships and can't give you what you need and doesn't "care enough to do anything about it."
I know - you take care of you. Which is what I'm doing.
But isn't part of DBing, stopping the D from happening or healing a R? I guess we can only heal us? I just feel like - yeah, I guess I have to do this work anyway, regardless of BF - but I just keep getting so torn - I want him in my life, but not in the shape he's in now. Not when he's blaming all his ambivalence on me and not owning stuff and I have to keep soaking up all his negative energy. That's where I get a little stuck.
