Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Loving, Listening, and Letting Go..

Or not.

Seriously. You can look at what is, and you can expect what you want. Change your point of attraction. I know it sounds nutty - but you can ...

What "is" now may be from behavior in the past - showing up into your experience now - but if you don't want to keep living it, don't keep focused on it.

Get to a "better feeling place" as A-H would say. (sorry I bring up a-h so much but I do think it can apply a lot to sitches here and on these boards)

I will throw in my two pennies.

Accepting what is, does not mean being apathetic. I think of it more as being in a place to better deal with a situation. Resisting what is, IMHO, does the opposite.

I like to throw out silly analogies. So I will try again

Let's say you wake up in the middle of the night and you discover the house is on fire.

If you accept the fact that the house is on fire. What is. You get the hell out.

If you resist. What do you do? Tell yourself that the house isn't on fire? You will burn.

CS, I don't know if you meant that in response to what I said, but I wasn't suggesting resistance. It is all about acceptance, but going beyond that. Staying focused on what is brings you more of ... what is.

But I don't want to hijack. Aeoli had written that sentence, and when I read it, that thought popped into my mind.

August first. About 10 weeks since the W walked out.

I feel like I'm doing pretty okay with all this stuff. It would be great if my W was moving more towards me, but I do like many of the changes I'm making, even if I feel they are somewhat insufficient. Specifically, GAL and GAJ. Not hitting either of those out of the park yet. I need to apply myself better to both of these tasks.

My W has often complained of me being 'unapproachably shy' - this came up in the Mother of all R talks last week. Somehow I ended up discussing introversion vs. extroversion and didn't really hit the topic of shyness directly on.
There is merit to her critique. I have been shy to a point where it violates my own integrity - in the sense that I want to say something but don't. However, I have been improving in that regard and want to be more true to myself in this way - I am in general a very warm and articulate person - but I did go through a period where I was a mute in social situations, even if I was quite lively and enthusiastic around my W and family.

The job stuff continues - I really want the gig I applied for last week but who knows when they will actually even interview for it - so I'm trying to see if I might be able to land some temp work for the time being. I really feel like it would make a difference in my outlook.

Started reading Schnarch's Constructing the Sexual Crucible. Much more dense than his other stuff - seems focused towards a more academic audience - but informative nonetheless.


For a lighter note, I thought I'd share some of the musical stuff I've been up to. I've spent the last decade basically immersed in classical music (a function of my pursuits..) and really didn't listen to much else in that time. I regret that, because I've been rediscovering so much of the stuff that I like and its feeding a part of my spirit that Brahms and Mahler never really hit for me. So here are 5 tracks that I highly recommend you go to youtube and watch/listen. And be forewarned, some of it will contain cursing, so if that bothers you: Don't listen.

1) Descendents - "She Don't Care". This could be an anthem for LBSs. I used to listen to these guys back in HS and this came out later, but when I heard it, I was amused at universality of the lyrics.
2) Faith No More - Out of Nowhere (live 2009 Download Fest.). Just a great track by one of my favorite bands. The whole concert is really quite good, and I'm consistently amazed at Mike Patton's vocal flexibility.
3) Dag Nasty - Million Days. This album is in my car and is just fun and full of basic emotional guts.
4) Sense Field - Sage. A little lighter than the previous tracks. Brings back good memories, and I always enjoyed the sounds on that album.
5)Gnarls Barkley - Smiley Faces. The official video is just incredible. Dennis Hopper. It's great.. Cee Lo Green is quite a lyricist. The Abbey Road recording of Transformer is quite stunning, too.

For me, this is part of my GAL. It is private, but it is me re-engaging with music that I really really like for its own sake. Many of the tracks have lyrics that give outlet to my frustrations or pain and listening seems to help me get some of it out of my system.

I just wanted to comment on this - I think we sometimes make the mistake of thinking that GAL means 'go out and do stuff!' And in some ways, it does.

But it also means "Do stuff you used to do but stopped doing, for whatever reason."

For me, I'd stopped listening to the music I wanted to listen to - just let H pick all the music. And I'd stopped reading as much, although I adore reading and find it very soothing. So I've started again, and I think as long as I'm not dwelling on the R or H during it, it still counts.

I mentioned it to Jody, my DB coach, and she agreed - she said "personal leisure time is GAL, definitely".

Just wanted to throw that out there.

Ok, the fact that you have the Descendents in your list.....

I'll check out the others. Was a fan of Faith no More back in the day as well. But man, it's been a while.

A Girl,

Thank you for commenting on this. I appreciate this perspective, because sometimes I feel a little guilty with sitting around for a couple of hours listening to music just because I like it.

So much of my listening over the past decade has been very purposeful and it feels good to just enjoy it and even get into it a little.

Aeo,

I am a recovering "Nice Guy" and I will always be changing since reading NMMNG That's my 180 and I live it. I also love the work of David DeAngelo.

I do believe you need to come to a place where your self esteem is more important than anything. You are "Painfully shy" because you hide in fear. Your W even said it. You need to step to the edge of "Fear" and really open up and be someone who is in touch with himself.

Your "muteness" is insecurity. Find in yourself what makes you insecure and challenge it. We are all a walking bunch of imperfect people and we ALL have insecurities. Don't avoid yours, face it head on. IF you like to remain quiet in certain sitches, that's ok too as long as YOU accept who you are and don't give a crap about what others think. Be you, ASK for what you want, and do NOT settle for being anybody you don't want to be. However, don't let fear or insecurity dictate your self worth...EVER. Be a man who is confident in himself.

Life is one shot, enjoy it the way YOU want to enjoy it, but live with integrity.

I agree. Sounds like fear of rejection.