Damn, LL your threads are rivetting!...Give Cindy a break, she hasn't followed your sitch as long as some of us have...
LL, once again, I saw my exfiance as that lump on the couch...no menopause there either, the guy was only 28 when we broke up!
I have to go with LL on NOT taking H's pitiful attempts at "making things okay" this time around. And it seems that you NOT giving in DID bring him around to at least the HUG! (which IS a step up, you must agree).
I'd say continue the detatching...Aren't you even a little curious as to how he's going to react? Oh, right, I suppose that would be counter-productive!
I think you missed my point or maybe I'm just not helping you at all. YOu sound really angry. It must be a very difficult situation you are in.
But you may be telling him exactly what you told me but delivery may be wrong? ARe you angry when you talk to him? Do you sound angry? Did he actually come out and say LL I really loved talking to the ow, I could hug on her, call her all the time just to talk, etc?
He must feel very inadequate in all areas except for sex. Most of us tend to gravitate toward what we do best so we don't feel bad about ourselves. Thus his preoccupation with sex.
Since he's moved home, you've only had one talk about your expectations? Maybe to revisit them would not be so bad...to at least tell him again how you need certain things from him.
I think your request of him are too vague (well some are) and they probably be need to be shorter and to the point such as "Let go to the movies every Monday night" or "I would like for us to go to the mall together on Saturdays"...men who are avoiders tend to respond better to action type requests versus something they have to put together themselves. oh I know that puts you doing all the work so how about asking him to select a restaurant and activity (such as play pool) every Friday night.
Assumptions are perpetuated since childhood, you've probably developed some from past relationships or even from the one your parents had...and they act like filters to what you hear or what is done to you. Some assumptions are: I must have everyone's love and approval, It's somebody else's fault, you can have it all, you are only as good as what you do...to name a few and I'm NOT saying these are yours just copying from the book.
I know you know your h is not like you but do you really NOT apply this assumption. In other words lets say that you've never been unfaithful but your h has...so in conversations where he's asking you where you've been, who you been with...your assumption that my h should know I'm faithful would kick in and you'd start getting angry, your answers to his questions more vague because you feel as though it is an attack on your faithfulness to him. When in reality it may just be his insecurities not necessarily the fact that he thinks you are unfaithful. Make sense? (and please don't think I'm accusing you of being unfaithful!!!!)
I'm not saying either that your h is getting his message to you correctly or even compassionately...I was trying to challenge your way of thinking so that your approach could change up a bit.
I guess you could have just told me to piss off! Sorry if I was not helpful at all. I'll refrain from further comment. No need to reply to this if this info is not helpful to you in anyway.
Quote: I guess you could have just told me to piss off! Sorry if I was not helpful at all. I'll refrain from further comment. No need to reply to this if this info is not helpful to you in anyway.
oh cindy you hear me all wrong...my frustration is not with you it is with this sit.
of course the things you say are helpful and interesting they are just not helpful to ME. Now if you were talking to my h perhaps a few lightbulbs would be going off and I've explained about 95% of what you are trying to explain to me to him.
I've explained to him the love bank theory. why different actions/inactions are interperted differently by each of us (ie he doesn't like to be called when he's out but I do like to get calls from him while I'm out)
it's not me cindy and it's not a case of "why should I be the one to change"
again I am sorry if you take my frustrations as directed at you they are not.
growing tired of the politics and bs of this bb. Been here long enough to see many little clicks form that ultimately end up in the banning of a poster or two and typically the ones banned are the ones with the most to offer!
I have been trying to leave this bb for some time and keep being pulled back in.
Truth be told there is little for me to gain here anymore and comming here is seeming to serve more distruction than good. Point is you don't know me and you can only interperet what you read..you read me how you want. You don't know my h and only have what little I tell you about him to base your judgements on.
Am I saying that life is wonderful and therefore I don't need the bb anymore? No, I'm simply saying that life is life and life is what you make of it...and I'm pretty close to making my life a more peaceful place where I am not constantly reminding myself and others of bad things that happend.
Quote: growing tired of the politics and bs of this bb. Been here long enough to see many little clicks form that ultimately end up in the banning of a poster or two and typically the ones banned are the ones with the most to offer!
Who? What???
LL, from what I've heard so far of your situation, there seems to be little sense that you love your H, that there were EVER good times (I think you mentioned the first year of your M was happy, am I right?)
Basically it was all so long ago, you can't remember what attracted you to him in the first place?
Do you think you could start out with a description of some of your good times? Things you loved about H, things you liked doing together? Then perhaps you (we could nudge you along) could figure out the things you were doing right, (ŕ la DR) etc and take it along from there? Just a suggestion.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
h started a business at a young age and let it engulf his life and why not he had a suporting girl friend by his side so there wasn't much he'd be missing in putting all his eggs in to that basket.
over the years that business took more and more from him and the girlfriend? well she grew more and more saddend by the fact that there was less and less time for her and alot of empty promises...she knew he was a great man..she knew he was of strong charector, he was honest and goal oriented and she admired his courage and determination to go after his dream despite the fact that so many (his family did not aprove of him leaving college to start his business wich was his dream) didn't approve...she stood by him...help him when she could (be it through physical labor before he aquired employees, helping with paper work before computer, family and friends helping him aquire customers...heck my neighbors even let him borrow equiptment before he could afford to buy his own) and accepted what he had to offer the r wich was less and less as time went on.
She began to believe the tales of h becomming a rather emotionless person as a result of all the pressures and strains the business put on him...he had to deal with things and so learned to just let it all roll off his shoulder.
he began to give less and less to the r and no matter how she pleaded and explained what would become of them if no effort was put in he gave excuse after excuse or empty promise after empty promise of next month or next season being better, less busy etc.
So she began to believe and accept...when others would comment on their life (or lack there of) she would say...."we don't do alot or spend alot of time together becuase h works hard...he works hard so we can have all this that you come and enjoy" and she believed it.
then one day she learned she had been living a lie....
all while she was wanting h to be alive and present in the r trying to accept that he was just busy and tired from work and that he was doing it for them...she learned it was not so...he had another...at first she thought ok...so take what you've learned and apply it here..and that worked for a bit until the h left...couldn't stop with the other...caused devistation...etc etc....then came home (after 6+months) and things were better...he did give the time and put in the effort both with his w and with his children..but eventually again it became tired, busy, next week, next month etc and again the w tried to be a support and believe...but she knows better this time...she knows he's capable he just doesn't want to.
Do you really need a reminder? It will be there wether your on the BB or not. I, For one don't want you to leave it because you help me a great deal.
You have alot to off OTHER people with what you say. Ignore the clicks, they're everywhere you go no matter what.
I haven't seen them, but I haven't really paid attention. I think MOST people on here are openminded to help everyone.
You take the things that help you and leave the rest.
I could use your help NOW. I'm stressing pretty bad today. H called last night and I let him have it-I know, I shouldn't have but I'm in the frame of mond right now that I'm calling it as I see it.
I'm not in denial about what he's doing and what he's done and he's given me enough sh## to last a lifetime.
I really don't care if we get back togther or not right now because I don't think I'll ever trust the man, but I have to deal with the ANGER! Rachael
As someone who has more or less left the BB, I think I know where you’re coming from.
I’m not going to give you any advice, just an observation.
I believe that every sit is different. Oh sure: there are similarities, but there are always differences. With that in mind, I think there are two things of value that a person can glean from the BB. The most obvious one is that where there are similarities, similar things can (not will, but can) work.
I think that’s why we see cliques on the boards. People who have achieved some sort of success with a certain way of thinking will espouse their ideas. Sometimes they espouse these ideas to someone who doesn’t think in a similar way, and sometimes a bunch of like minded people will try to “help” someone who disagrees with them.
Unfortunately, when this happens, we sometimes feel like people are ganging up on us. One school of thought is that when someone doesn’t “get it” they need a 2X4 across the brain box. That’s part of the reason I’ve kinda left the BB.
The other reason is that, like you, I’ve tried and tried to do “what works,” but the more I try, the worse things get. So, I tried doing nothing. It doesn’t work either. Seems hopeless, but I still glean hope from the idea that no matter what you do (or don’t), if you can avoid making things worse, there’s always a possibility that things will get better.
That brings me to the second benefit of the BB. It gives you a place of hope, and a place to vent. In short, a place to tread water until things get better.
But there comes a time when your spirits are no longer raised by the hope and inspiration you get from people on the boards. In fact, there are so many people who fail to get what they want, or are still struggling that the BB is a drain on your hope and PMA.
You start feeling something like this:
Quote: Truth be told there is little for me to gain here anymore and comming here is seeming to serve more distruction than good.
So if that’s the way you feel, why do you keep coming back?
I can only speak for myself, but I still lurk because there are still people I care about out here, and there are people who care about me (Hi Rachael!). I’m not immune to the ego-boost from someone who cares about me or who values my opinion, and sometimes a long lost friend comes back to post their success story.
Have you read Tree’s success story? CLICK HERE or the latest from Wilma? CLICK HERE or just about any of Matilda’s recent posts CLICK HERE. And I know you know what happened to TonyP.
But even with all of that, you have to balance it all out with the drain on your PMA caused by the stale-mated feeling you get when you spend so much time on the boards. There comes a time when “baby steps” are meaningless. When that time comes, even intellectual conversations about why things are a certain way, where things are going, what can or can’t change… Well, it gets you down.
Very well put, as usual. I, for one miss you on here. You have WONDERFUL insight, but you have to do what's best for you. Many of us care a great deal for you and how you feel. Thanks for stopping in, Rachael
