rachael you couldn't be less off base if you tried....
as I've said before most of the things I complain about in this r have been present for at least a decade (sad since I'm only 30) I'd try to talk to him...try to just go out and do my own thing...left him...he'd come back full force..trying hard to do the things I had asked and actually going overboard...it would be great for a while then just ok then back to crapola!
same thing with this time only h had ow and left....
why would I be foolish enough to think that my giving him an ultimatum and following through with it would actually evoke any lasting change in him??
I have called a lawyer since his return..when things started to get stagnant..he was reluctant to ask me not to go but did admit he didn't want me to go..agreed to go to councelling but it was a waist of time...he couldn't even meet the smallest of my requests for one night a week set aside for us.
LL, You do what you need to do for YOUR happiness. You've been at this long enough to know what wroks and what doesn't.
I won't question your decision whatever you finally decied to do.
Sooner or later we all have to make a decision if our WAS or S at home doew not ever meet our needs.
LL believes she has done all she can do. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't.
We can't change her mind if that's the way she feels any more than she can change her H.
I know this bb is all about saving your M, but not EVERY M will be saved.
I hope LL's sitch will somehow turn around-truly I do, but we need to be there for the people that are at the end of the rope and support them in their decisions.
Having said that, I know LL WANTS her M to work. She says that time and time again. LL, pray for a miracle. So will I. Rachael
Quote: I'd try to talk to him...try to just go out and do my own thing...left him...he'd come back full force..trying hard to do the things I had asked and actually going overboard...it would be great for a while then just ok then back to crapola!
LL, are you saying that the less YOU work on the relationship, the less that you "seem" interested in making things better, the more interested and involved HE becomes?
JJ
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no JJ I'm saying that in the past (meaning before we were married) when I'd break up with him somehow we'd end up back together and in the begining he'd be doing flips for me..but it never lasted.
at this point when I drop the rope...he might go "uhm? she droped the rope? what do I do??? ok I'll sleep on that couch instead of this one...that should work..." but it doesn't work anymore...the more we go through this cycle the less interested I am when he does try...I am at a point now where I'd probably be annoyed if he asked me to go out and do something with him....of course I wouldn't let it be known..I'd show appreciation and be happy and have a good time..but it means less and less...
HHmmm.... So LL, are you going to be the WAS now? Have you decided?
When your actions show you are "done" what that says to H is "oh no, am I gonna lose her?" That can be the wake up call that your H needs to make some changes to meet your needs. Sometimes we all need to go thru tough trials and tribulations to wake up.
Am I right? Haven't we all changed dramatically when our S decided to be the WAS??
Yes, I did change when my spouse walked away. But she was "done." I have been trying to get LL to avoid this state because I went through that. I went through trials and tribulations and it didn't matter what I did. The problem with LL's H is that he just doesn't believe it. He thinks he is holding negotiating cards, but that is merely a way to avoid commitment. He needs to be pushed for real and it has to be believable.
I am not a waw Yes I have expressed my fears of becomming a waw many times both here and to h over the past year but I'm not there yet...close??? depends on what makes a waw...one who decides she's not trying anymore and may or may not leave one day? or is a waw the one who has reached the breaking point?
so last night was yet another of h in his cave and me in the family room....the only interaction occured when I went down for a soda (I purposefully go around the back side of the stairs so as not to walk in front of his tv and of course he notices that more than if I had walked in front of him and on my return up the stairs asks what I'm watching) so I had myself a fire and painted my toe nails..watched a movie...h actually went up to bed before me...guess he's realizing that if he doesn't get himself to bed he's on the couch til he wakes and gets himself up.
today h is off at work and this evening bil is comming over to watch football with him...the games don't start til 4 and h should be home around 1...I intend to get out to the mall to exchange some gifts and pick up a few things...will be leaving the kids with him and not rushing back. I'm fighting the urge to make an horsedourve for them to have while watching football.
tonight I'm either going to go to sleep or slip off to the movies myself.
tommorow morning I intend to make it to mass with or without h and the kids.
tommorow night??? I'll figure out something tame for myself..got to get back in the habit of getting to bed early as son's vaca from school is over so we can't be lazy in the mornings anymore (well not the three that he goes to school anyway)
I absolutely agree with you! Along with reading DB & DR, I have recently read, "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. It really spoke to me about boundaries and I feel it has been helpful in my sitch and think it will helpful for LL. nik
