Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives Surviving the Big D Archives I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering

One thing I read recently is how children handle stress. D as we all know is a major stress and especially on children. For D9, stress is already hard to deal with and the extra stress of the D can make the meltdowns worse. You are doing great with her. She seems to calm down quickly with you. Continue to work with her on recognizing when she is going to meltdown and teaching her and those working with her techniques to relieve the stress. She will be good!

Weird night last night.

Met friends for drinks at 10 p.m. (instead of going to a movie night with a coworker - Crazy Stupid Love just didn't appeal to me at this point in life.)

These friends I met through another friend. They are both divorced and two weeks ago they started dating.

I was interested in the lady, but hey that's how life goes. There will be others. It was fun. The lady runs the symphony in town and we started talking about me doing side PR work for her. Every little bit helps.

We were having a great time. I even told them how a chapter I'd read in Microtrends by Mark Penn made me realize it's just a matter of time until I find someone else.

I'll condense it. Boys outnumber girls 51-49 at birth. Bad for men later on. But teenage and 20 year old boys tend to do stupid things -- fatal car accidents, prison, drug overdoses. So available women outnumber men by the age of 30. Good for my dating odds. Finally, many, many more men adopt the gay life than women. Women dabble, but few choose it as a lifestyle.

Grand result. At my age, women outnumber men 53 percent to 47 percent. Those are good odds. I just have to be patient.

OK. Back to story. The original friend -- kind of the spoke in this particular relationship wheel -- comes out. She is mad at her two friends because they are dating. Why? She won't say. It's probably a control thing. She has issues.

I smooth things over then get ready to go. I have a softball tournament today and need some sleep.

But my friend, who already is in a bad mood, brings up an old high school classmate of mine that I never particularly liked. I hadn't thought about this person for 20 years. All of a sudden she is friends with this person AND her ex-husband. It's a strange dynamic.

I don't really want to see either of those people, and I'm not exactly sure how the conversation got heated, but it did and I just left before saying something I regretted.

It was a downer end to what had been a really fun night.

It's a reminder I have to keep working on expanding my weekend options because this is the second time I've allowed this person to push my buttons to the point I just had to get out of there.

Saturday night was fun. I ended up being the designated driver for a bachelorete party and drove four 30-40 drunk women around.

Downer happened during the event, but it lead to a breakthrough.

Ran into one of the bridesmaids from my wedding years ago. She is XW's friend, not really mine. And she laid into me for how I've been treating XW for the past two years.

She said I need to give up the fantasy that everything will work out. She said XW hates me now and is just putting up with me for the sake of the girls.

Sunday, I went to church. It was the last week of a five-part series on "staying in love" by Andy Stanley. The Stanley part was over. This time it was the church pastor and his wife and they talked about what has worked for them.

Key points. All the stuff they talked about I knew in my head was right, but I didn't really feel any change in my heart. I keep asking myself, if I improve myself and XW doesn't recognize it, what does it matter.

The answer, XW is still the center of my universe and I have to change that. I have to get better for me and my daughters.

Second point, I have to treat XW better for my daughters' sake. They see how I ignore her presence, avoid seeing her when possible and don't say hello or goodbye. They don't say anything, but I'm sure it's doing damage because I'm still damaged from my parents' marriage years ago.

I've really been awful toward her.

So I made a pact with myself to take baby steps.

I will no longer avoid her.

I will make eye contact when I see her.

I will say hello and goodbye.

That's common courtesy. I do this to people I barely know. I can do this with XW and her family.

I got a chance to put it into practice right away. D9 and XW got back from the campground and D9 rode her bike over to go swimming.

She stayed for an hour -- longer than she was supposed to -- so XW rode her bike over to get here.

I got D9 out of the pool and I said hi and looked XW in the eye while she filled me in on their fun weekend. Deep down, it hurt a little. I would have liked to have been with them.

After, D9 wanted me to pick up dinner so I asked if I could. XW said yes. So I got dinner for D9 and myself and a water for XW, who turned down my offer of something to eat, and I took it over to XW's and ate there while D9 showed off her new phone.

I then took the dog for a quick run and D9 escorted me to the car.

It's time to stop playing the victim and punish XW in every small way. Now, I'm not going to give XW money for home repairs or be the babysitter if/when she's out on dates. I'm not ready for that yet. Still, it's a start.

BRAVO!!!!

I love how kat says it. Treat her like you would the mailman. Common courtesy, but nothing beyond that.

I will tell you, I treated XH the same way you have been treating your XW. It's that old analogy (and I think Andy Stanley uses it in his message on Anger (brilliant one by the way)) He says that anger and bitterness is like you drinking the poison and waiting for the other person to die. Your anger with her for breaking up your family is eating at you more than it is her.

I found that I had to take a step toward my XH in order to give up that anger I was holding. I actually apologized to him for treating him like he was a pariah. I did admit to him that talking to him and seeing him more than absolutely necessary was painful to me and I was avoiding that as much as possible but I realized it was coming off like I was just being nothing other than a royal b!tch. He smiled at that, thanked me, and we moved forward with a lot better communication after that.

Do you feel it may help you to smooth over a few things by letting her know that your avoidance wasn't so much about her as it was about your own pain?

I really thought hard about sending her an email apologizing. But you know what, in my case, actions will speak louder than words. I will just continue to take those small baby steps.

"Better me update."

XW calls at 4:30 p.m. I am wrapping up a couple of stories.

D9 has her bi-weekly appointment with psychologist and she's getting ready to take her when she gets a call about the house. Someone wants to see it, but she doesn't know what to do with the dog. She is thinking about taking it with to the doctor's office.

I tell her she can tie the dog up at my house and I can be home in about 20 minutes.

It's not really my problem, but I would do something like this for a friend or coworker.

So I go home and the dog -- who misses me terribly, I'm the only one who would take her running -- is sitting in my yard looking sad.

I take her for a walk and then let her lay down inside until XW gets there.

She says thanks and I say "you're welcome."

D9 looked really happy. That's all that matters.

I emailed the day before about a switch in my final summer week with the girls. She said fine, it helps her, another tooth snapped and she's getting an implant.

XW has great teeth -- now. When we met, she had horrible teeth. The ones up front were pretty good. All the ones inside were a mess though. She always drank too much soda and her parents were too poor to get proper dental care. It's probably why it's very hard to get a good picture of her. She rarely ever smiled because of her teeth.

I estimate we spent more than $15,000 over the years fixing her teeth. Of course, she's on her own now and implants aren't covered by insurance. I know, because I had to get one in 2009 and it cost me $2,000.

I remembered they won't let you drive home after the implant is finished. I emailed back asking if she needed a ride because the girls and I would be off.

She said her friend -- the one that ripped into me over the weekend -- is picking her up.

Still, at least I offered.

All quiet on dating front. I exchanged some messages with a lady who is a lot like me. Likes to be outside and active, likes to take her kids to places all over the country to expose them to places other than here, likes the same movies. She's in Paris with her son though and I haven't heard from her in a week.

Not a lot of time in next few weeks anyway. I got an email from the running race company. They want us the weekend of Aug. 13-14 for a race in Chicago.

So I can go out that Friday night but will be tied up the rest of the weekend. Two weeks after that is the Chicago Triathlon, a race we normally get, so I'll have my daughters or be working every weekend of the month.

That's good. I need to build up some cash reserves after the summer. That's also bad. Hard to meet new people when you are always working.

Good night with the girls. Picked them up at 4:30 p.m. Saw ex-MIL briefly. I'm actually working a side deal to get her free symphony passes for the year. Why not? I've got connections and she likes to go. It'd be a nice surprise.

Worked out a deal for D9 to have a friend over last night. That left D12 to lounge around. I still don't like D12's lack of physical activity, but I also can't keep harping on it. She'll get motivated when she realizes she needs to get motivated.

D9's friend and I went swimming at night and that was fun.

It made for a hectic morning today though. I had to get D9 back to the old house to meet her baby sitter. I had to get D12 to an old co-worker's house. She's having a yard sale and needs a baby sitter. It's D12's first gig. D12 is saving for an Ipod Touch. Then I had to take D9's friend home and get to an interview for the newspaper by 9 a.m.

That plus D9 and her friend got up early enough to go swimming, but I also had to get to the store to get D12 some feminine products.

Lots to do before work.

Now, I just need to get motivated at work. It's hard once you've made the decision to find a new career. I can't wait to go back to school in the fall of 2012.

Exchanged more messages with 37-year-old in a town about 40 minutes south of here. Doubt that will turn out to be much. Could be a couple of fun dates though.

Got an email from 27-year-old from town 40 minutes north of me. Skeptical on that one. Fifteen year difference? That's a lot considering I essentially dropped out of pop culture once D12 was born. I never watched Lost or Madmen or anything. Not sure what we'd talk about.

Still, I responded to the email. Practice, practice, practice.

Bit of a struggle with girls today. Last night we just lazed around and that was good. Today I couldn't get them to agree on anything. D12 didn't want to do anything except lay on the couch. Doesn't want to see her friends. Frustrating.

D9 was just being D9.

Eventually, I had them go down stairs and argue it out and they both were yelling about the divorce ... ugh. They worked things out and we came up with a plan.

I cleaned the pool this morning and D9 asked if she could ride to XW's. I said sure, don't stay long though. I thought XW would be at work.

Finished the pool. No D9 and it had been an hour. So I rode over to the house and XW was mowing the yard. D9 was inside watching TV. I told her to come home. She gave XW a hug while I sat on my bike.

I don't know if that was rude or not. Should I have gotten off the bike? Should I have let her stay longer?

Not sure how to handle these things. I can't wait until they live a little farther away.

If I felt that D9 was using XW to manipulate me I wouldn't have let her go. They try the "I want to go to mom's" from time to time if they are upset with me, and they know that doesn't fly. There was just free time in the morning and she wanted to see her mom.

The houses are so close it seems petty to say they can't go over there. At some point, it'll be different. Perhaps XW will find someone and the girls will find a surprise with these dropins? Eventually, she'll sell the house and the area she is looking at is a good 15-20 minute bike ride away.

Right now, it's just D9 on the bike riding thing to XW's.

Long fun day today. Church in the morning and then a 90 minute drive to a Renaissance Faire. Very good time -- even with the mid-day thunderstorm. I spent too much though. I am glad summer is coming to an end. I need a bit of a break.

D9 wanted to see her mom and that was fine, so D12 and D9 rode their bikes home. D12 then came back to stay with me. XW is off this week so D12 will get up here and go over there in the morning.

It'll be an interesting week. XW is taking them down to St. Louis to see her sister. XW doesn't travel all that well -- or at least she didn't with me. And her sister isn't all that into kids. They don't have any. Her husband is. He's a great guy.

They plan on taking the girls to the Six Flags down there. D12 let it slip that XW is mad at me because I'm the "fun parent."

I don't feel bad about that. It's ALWAYS been this way. Even when we were together. I'd do as much as possible with the kids during the summer and XW just wanted to go to the camp ground and sit around.

I should have been more sensitive to her concerns then. Back then I didn't know that it was just the husband and wife in the circle with everyone else -- kids included -- on the outside.

No. I always put the kids first and that contributed to where I am today. But now, hey I'm going to enjoy my time with them. She needs to step up her game.

The trip means I won't see girls from Wednesday morning until Monday. I have lots of projects -- but truthfully, I have had little energy when they aren't around. I'll probably just catch up on sleep.

CTH,

Cutting and pasting from another thread ...


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