Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Divorce on the horizon?

Wow Tad have we led parallel lives.

My XH was also very curious about the yardwork he "heard" about me doing. He saw a few pics on fb that I tagged a mutual friend in and then they disappeared as I had blocked him, which made him more curious. My next door neighbor cut his hair for years in her home salon. We were apart and he was with OW for MONTHS and told me that he planned to continue coming to get his hair cut next door--and he also told me he talked about me with the neighbor and told her to "help me out" if it snowed, la la la. I was FURIOUS. Basically he kept tabs on me through the neighbor who of course had no idea what kind of crap he was doing to me with his affair. Nope. He wanted it to look like he cared about me. 6 months after he left, I told him find another person to cut your hair. You're invading my privacy.

It's the same as what your W is doing. She can't tear herself away completely. She wants to be a voyeur into your life. THEY can't detach from us. They like to say they can, but this interest they have in what we do says otherwise. But don't fall for it, Tad. (I don't think you have, I'm just warning you if you feel like you might). Just keep being detached. It's your best bet.

On the text she sent--I'd ignore it. There is no reason to respond; no reason to engage in what will inevitably turn into a conversation, and you can't have a conversation with her that doesn't end up going south. This isn't your fault. It's the reality of the sitch.

You are starting to see that you need boundaries to prevent yourself from FURTHER hurt, and this is a really positive step. Coming here and asking for feedback before acting is a REALLY positive step. You're turning a corner. Feel good about it. It's only going to get better from here for you, and easier. Despite any backslides or bad days, and they will happen, you're gaining strength BY THE DAY. I'm proud of you!!

Tad,

A simple "thank you" should be enough.

Tad

I know this is tough.

The day to day trials and tribulations.

There comes a day when you will not ask such questions.

Hopefully because you realize they really don't matter.

The importance you place on such interactions is wasted energy.

I am telling you the quicker you can detach yourself from such musings the happier you will be and not at the cost of your M.

Just thank her for getting the supplies.

That's it.

It was a good thing for her to do yes?

I do remember well the days of placing so much importance on the words and interactions.

Until someone said to me:

"It doesn't matter what you want right now."

"Nothing you say or do will change that as much as you want it"

"This isn't about you. And you have no control over it."

"The more you say or act like you want something different from what she is telling you she wants, the more she sees you not listening to her"

I don't say this to hurt you but to help you Tad.

There is NOTHING you can do right now to help. There are things you can do to hurt.

Mostly yourself.

Step away.

Thanks True, Cat and Antonia.

Yes Antonia, our sitches are similar. You are just further along than me. You've been a big help too.

Cat and True, the text I received was hours ago. If I send a thank you now, won't I just look like an idiot?



And this is why I should be as dark as possible right?

Tad

Tad,

Why would you look like an idiot? Maybe you were GALing and hadn't had a chance to look at your phone.

I agree that a simple 'thank you' is the right thing to do.

Well, I never responded yesterday. When I was considering it, it was too late. This morning I wake up to this text:

"It would be considerate of you to acknowledge the last text I sent about the school supplies."

So I sent a simple "thank you."

I can't win.

I don't like the word hate so....

I am starting to dislike her very much.

Tad

No tad, you can't.

Not now.

And this isn't a competition anyway.

THIS is precisely the reason we talk about figuring out exactly who you are. Someone elses reactions or non-reactions should not be why you do or do not do something. Your actions should come from a place of truth for YOU. Once you shift your focus, once you really start to get that this is about you for YOU and about her for HER ... then these "interactions" will be simpler.

You won't ask what to do. You'll just be you and respond as such. It won't matter if your actions cause her to smile or frown, laugh or cry, return or run harder.

You'll be you.

Peace
PEI

Thanks PEI. This crap is all so damn hard. I can't wait for the day when I just don't care anymore.

I just had a WTF moment.

To recap:

Yesterday morning, W sent me the following text: "Gave S16 enough school supplies to get him started until he has an actual list."

I did not respond because it really wasn't a question. I didn't feel like I needed to. I came on this board and asked for opinions. Some of you said to send a simple thank you and some of you said do not respond. By the time I would have probably responded, it was late so I just didn't send one.

This morning, I get this text from W: "It would be considerate of you to acknowledge the last text I sent about the school supplies."

So, after thinking for a few minutes, I send: "Thank you."

About an hour later, I get this from her: "All u had to say was ok. But ur welcome."

WTF????????????????????????

I am NOT responding.

What is it with this woman?

Is she trying to push my buttons?

Is she trying to connect?

Does she just want to argue?

Is she a lunatic?

What the hell?

Am I getting upset for nothing?

Did she really have to criticize me for saying thank you?

When I finally did respond to her text, she complains about the response that I sent.

F*ck.

Tad

Tad,
You are damned if you do and damned if you don't. There is no right or wrong way to respond to them. You did okay, don't sweat it!

Mlcers tend to look for admiration or kudos for the good things they do. They are seeking that acknowledgement because they feel used and taken for granted. Don't allow her emails to get to you.

It's all part of the journey. Next time, just say thanks and let it go. You owe her nothing more than that.

Thanks Snodderly.

It gets worse.

W saw that I was on FB and messaged me. We had a thirty minute exchange about how she is not in an mlc, how her feelings are gone, how she no longer loves me, accused one of my friends of posting stuff and mlc about her, how I broke her heart a hundred times, how she no longer cares, says that she wants a friendship, how she is moving on, reminded me that we'll be divorced soon.....

She also said that last Monday's unofficial mediation was my "last opportunity" to show her that I have changed. It's funny that I always find out about these "last opportunities" after the fact.

Then she calls and starts in with the same stuff. After about 5 minutes, I told her that I had to go. I said: "I'll talk to you later. Bye."

Two minutes later the phone rings:

M: Hello.

W: Hanging up on me solves nothing. You didn't have to hang up on me.

M: I didn't. I told you goodbye.

W: No you didn't

M: Yes I did.

W: Well, I'm saying it now. Goodbye.

She hung up.

I've been thinking about deleting her as one of my friends on FB, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I've actually told her to delete me numerous times, but she won't do it.

What do I do people?

Why does she continue to read my page? Is this really MLC? Is she just so f*cking done with me?

You know what the sad thing is? I really do believe that she cares. She just doesn't love.

Tad