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Good stuff... Be careful about the books though...

What I mean is, it is great that you are reading and working on yourself. Just be careful not to intentionally leave books lying around for your W to see as a way of passively telling her that you're going to be a great H again because you're reading...

If she sees the books in your pile of books, then she does... Intentionally placing the books randomly around the house... not so much...

It will be your ACTIONS more than your words that will allow her to see you are making and effort and becoming a better man... one she can start to trust again... one that she might... eventually... forgive...

A little update. What a roller coaster. One hour normal the next filled with hate. I started seeing a C and she is seeing one as well. Hers doesn't think it's time for couples counseling yet. I guess I understand. When she gets mad there is a lot of venom she spews. She's stayed home up to this point but threatens to leave pretty frequently. I pursue and she stays. I'm guessing that's not good. I should probably let her sleep on the couch or leave if she wants.

We read "Just Friends" together. We talked about certain parts. She's started to talk about her ground rules but anytime I bring up my boundaries she quickly says it's over and she knew it would never work. Followed by me saying for get it. I've started a lot of 180's. Cleaning, laundry, suggesting dog walks, going shopping with her, actively participating in things. I'm just really getting frustrated with having no say in anything and continuing to be a punching bag. It just hard to hear she won't commit to working on the M but then she does seem to be sharing with me. The roller coaster is really beating me down. I don't know how much more I can take of this type of pain/abuse.

Ok this is good if you were a lazy slob and didn't do it.

But what for you?

Things you want to change for you?

GAL? What can you do for you?

You were the one who cheated. She doesn't feel like you qualify to speak of having boundaries. I think it would be to your advantage to be quiet and just listen to what she has to say.

AMEN...what did you expect? You haven't been here a month yet and you want to quit?

What "abuse" are you talking about? Her anger is understandable. It's normal. The fact that you're both in the house still, is HUGE...

When you sep the first time, what was the reason? Have you cheated on her before? Did you date OWs when you were separated those 3 months?

Do you see how FAST that is? Was an OW the reason for the sep?

Today...
why should She sleep on the couch?

What's your goal in suggesting that?

ANY action or words from you must FIRST be examined for that...the goal.

IF it's to hurt her, DO NOT DO IT. If it's to "get her to think", Do Not Do It.

If it's to "teach her a lesson," DO NOT DO IT...Not your job to teach her a lesson, that's what life does. All these ^^^ "reasons" are simply excuses for you to punish.

But just one month ago you recognized the truth..the reality that

SHE is the aggrieved party, not you.

What changed? Did it just get too tough? Check that.

Sounds like you want to skim over the past, (what with your many WORDS of apology and all)...and move on.

Not so fast. She doesn't have amnesia. She remembers.

She wishes to God she could get the images of you and your behavior out of her head and heart...but

it takes time and a lot of effort on HER part and a lot of consistent, loving rebuilding behavior on YOUR part...BUT ooops...that's not easy for YOU...so YOU want to quit...wow...

You wrote in your posts about YOUR unmet needs. Notably, I didn't see anything about hers.

Every time you sexted, you denied your w intimacy (of any sort).

Regardless of whether she wanted to make love w/you or simply to be held in your arms,

you were AWOL. Where were you?

You were busy with your own virtual world, one in which little was expected of you...she has only recently learned just how "busy" you were, instead of being her h...

So Understand how betrayed she feels

and work on making sure that never happens again.

b/c No matter what woman you end up with, IF you have one,

you'll repeatedly hurt them if you cannot get a grip on this problem.


I hope you get a counselor for that. Even you admitted, just one month ago, you needed help. You have a problem with your online "Non-life"...

....there's another dimension to this you are not looking at enough, imo.


IF my h told me he didn't want to be around me when I drink, I'd stop drinking.


If my best friend told me, in effect, that my behavior while drinking made her uncomfortable or embarrassed or angry or hurt, I'd stop drinking.

If I did things while drinking that I later regretted, I'd stop drinking.

ALL THREE THINGS HAVE HAPPENED IN YOUR LIFE w/your drinking...

Your wife, who was your best friend, HAS in effect asked you to stop drinking. She didn't come right out and ask you to choose....

b/c maybe she feared the choice you'd make. And the choice you DID make was NOT her.

And you have done things you regret while drinking. But I haven't heard you say that drinking is a problem for you.

You need to look at that issue VERY bravely & carefully and ask yourself what you are truly willing to give up.

If given the choice, would you really give up drinking to save your marriage?

Why didn't you?

I found the tone of your first posts to be remarkably brave, but sad. Your insights grew and that gave me hope for you.

I wanted to reach out but the posts were already out of date. Then I saw that other veterans had answered you, and I was glad.

Yesterday, your post had a very different tone and Not in a good way.

Since I don't know what you mean by her "abuse" of you, all I can say is

in my eyes, you're lucky to be in the same house as she is.

She hasn't filed yet....That's also good news for you... So

You have the chance to show her YOUR changes are real & Permanent, not merely tactics to get her back...Hurrah!

You have the chance you wanted, the chance to make Changes to regain her trust. But wait....

INSTEAD of taking this God given gift of TIME to prove yourself to be a

changed and worthy man...

you sound angry, petty, punitive and "entitled"...

I mean, what "boundaries" are you supposed to be giving Her?

Shouldn't you be getting those from HER

so you'll know how you can help her to heal? (SIGH)


I hesitated to bother posting at all to you

b/c I didn't want to waste my time. You sounded immature & unreasonable & unreachable...

but your anniversary is the same as ours...and we've reached our 30th recently. So I took it as a sign.

So my questions for you (above and below)--

What did YOU do to acknowledge your anniversary, (if anything)?

What are Your 180s?

What are your GAL activities?

(This is key for you especially, to replace your unhealthy habits with healthy ones)

There are NO Guarantees she'll take you back. (But None of us get those guarantees at any stage of life or marriage).

Restoring a marriage is a bit like childbirth.

It's much tougher, WAY more painful, & takes a Heck of a Lot longer
than you think you can handle...

but in the end, if all goes well, you get the most beautiful miracle

In your case, even if you don't end up restoring your marriage,

the work will be worth it b/c you have problems that will ruin your personal life, and more, if you don't address them.

Things can only improve for you if you do the work on YOU.

So let's make that happen.