1) W hasn’t disclosed anything, but I can’t approach her with what I know, so I pretend not to know. Is there anything I can do to encourage W to be straightforward? Attempting to talk about us won’t work… W would consider that nagging, so I leave it alone.
Yes, she would see it as "nagging," and "controlling," and she would only LIE about it anyways. All cheaters lie -- PERIOD.
There IS a way to handle this, though. You simply say (calmly) "We need to talk. I know all about you and (OM's first name), and it needs to stop, now. This is incredibly disrespectful to me, to our marriage, and even to (SD's first name). You're a grown woman, and I can't and won't control you, but know this -- I will not live in an open marriage. If this is the way you choose to end our marriage, then I will take whatever steps necessary in order to protect myself, and you'll need to find another place to live. I value myself too much to share my wife with another man."
then "I have an important, and some thinking to do. I won't be home late." And then leave.
Do NOT, under any circumstances, reveal the source of your intel. She will most likely press you for WHAT you know, and HOW you know it. Simply say "I'm not going to tell you that," (i've also seen it done where -- if, say, a keylogger on her computer is the source of your intel, you say here "I'm not going to tell you; I made a promise to someone that I wouldn't betray his [or her] confidence." Let her wonder who told you).
PRACTICE this, ahead of time, and pray for calmness and wisdom in delivering it, if you're so inclined. It's a defining moment in your life, and you only get one crack at it. At some point soon, you can deliver "Part 2" of this, which will include something like "End your affair, and I think you will find that I'm ready to address any and all issues, including my own role in our marriage. But I'm not going to discuss our marriage with you so long as there's a third person involved."
I'm trying to suggest to you, COG, that there is a "3rd way" in between "Angry Confrontation" and "Ignore it and Stick Your Head in the Sand." I've been studying affairs for years -- literally, thousands of them -- and there's only two ways I've seen work:
1. Aggressively (but calmly) attack it; or
2. Confidently LET THEM GO.
There are pro's and con's to each approach, and success stories here for both. But "Little Bo-Peep" (you know, "leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their tails behind them") doesn't work. Affairs are highly addictive, and what other addiction do you know that goes away on its own? They don't -- they usually ESCALATE.
One final, important note: you need to firewall your finances, ASAP. You already have evidence that your wife is using marital assets on her affair. You need to protect yourself, and that should include getting a consultation with a good family law attorney. It doesn't mean you have to DO anything, but you should know your rights and responsibilities here at this difficult time.
I'm sorry, I know this is blunt, and I know this SUKKS. If it's any consolation, read up all you can on infidelity -- it all follows a very predictable "script," and there are many others who have been thru this who can help you.
Do all of this while you simultaneously "GAL" and "become the better option." How do you know what this other guy is offering, that you're not? Intel. What do you know about him?
What were your wife's PRIOR (before this affair) marital complaints? You know, the ones that "sting" (that you know, deep down, are things you need to work on)?
COG - I'm am sorry to hear about your situation but I'm glad you've found us. It looks like you're getting good advice.
One common theme you've seen is to GAL. This is very important and it's for YOU. This about becoming a better man. Find things you've haven't done in awhile and pick them up. Find things you've always wanted to try and try them. Volunteer. Re-discover yourself. I think the hardest part to GAL'ing is getting started in the first place. Once you get it going, it tends to gather momentum and build on itself. Hopefully, you will remember what it feels like to truly live again. And you MAY pique the interest of your W, and as Starsky said, become the better option.
In reference to the concern you posted on my thread - if you want to start running again and it's for YOU, go for it! Don't worry if your W thinks you're copying her. This is only one part of your GAL game plan anyway.
You're getting some really GREAT advice here. It REALLY helps to expand your network of friends by joining groups or restarting old hobbies. It helps with the stress and the feelings of loneliness we get when we sit around. In my case I started plying volleyball again, which helped me to get back into shape - another added bonus. Try to resist the temptation to share about your situation, especially up front. I found it useful to be vague. DEFINATELY don't share with family members, especially her side of the family. I eventually shared with one person - my brother - and prefaced that by saying I loved my W and was really trying to make things work and wanted someone to listen without necessarily taking sides. (And forget it, if and when we got through things) As for discussing things with your W - I found most of these went badly and made me look weak and needy. But I thought it would be ridiculous to pretend nothing was going on. I didn't bring up OM's name at all. Instead I focused on family and friends, and my job, tried to avoid OR talks when I could, but didn't pretend like I didn't know anything.
So much of this would have been easy to do before....then becomes harder, for example to be a confident, happy person, afterwards. But my experience was that my efforts built me up and made me a better father and husband, a better person in the process. What our WASs do in the end is up to them. But I can say that I did my part. And in my case, my W and I are doing better.
Starsky309-could u please explain the difference of "letting go confidently and the Little Bo Peep way? Aren't they both just leaving them Alone?? My H has OW. I know about it. He knows I know. I offered to work thru thisand he seems to think we can't. So there it sits. I've had no contact for 5 weeks. What do u suggest?
Starsky309-could u please explain the difference of "letting go confidently and the Little Bo Peep way? Aren't they both just leaving them Alone?? My H has OW. I know about it. He knows I know. I offered to work thru thisand he seems to think we can't. So there it sits. I've had no contact for 5 weeks. What do u suggest?
"Bo-Peep" means a naive (in my view) belief that the affair will end on its own. They don't, usually -- they're highly addictive, and like most addictions they usually ESCALATE, if anything, and much emotional, financial, legal and even medical damage can be done for every month the affair continues.
I'm more of a "fight-the-affair" guy, so I can't really do the "letting them go" thing any justice. There used to be a poster around here named Robx that explained it pretty well; might've even had a suggested script for what you say. But the thought behind it is that you're basically saying "I hear you -- you're not happy. I agree, this isn't working, and it isn't working for me, either, so I"m giving you what you want, and moving on. I value myself too much to want to stay with someone who doesn't want to stay with ME."
HUGE difference from "Bo-Peep."
"You're having an affair, I know it, you KNOW I know it, and yet I'm offering to 'work thru' this with you" isn't a very strong or attractive position, UNLESS you're coupling it with an absolute hard boundary of "but you need to end all contact with OW."
Starsky309-could u please explain the difference of "letting go confidently and the Little Bo Peep way? Aren't they both just leaving them Alone?? My H has OW. I know about it. He knows I know. I offered to work thru thisand he seems to think we can't. So there it sits. I've had no contact for 5 weeks. What do u suggest?
Here's a thread where the concept was kicked around:
Hi Starsky, I remember this thread. It was really helpful. My personal thought was - EA/PA can be ignored for a short period if you want to use that time to get yourself together or make other arrangements (I did) - but after a while the spouse is just eating cake and learning that you'll accept their behavior. Not that we can change their behavior - just at some point it seemed silly to pretend to believe what I was hearing. Just my opinion. And in my situation I was dealing with an EA and not (as far as I know) a PA.
I'm more of a "fight-the-affair" guy, so I can't really do the "letting them go" thing any justice. There used to be a poster around here named Robx that explained it pretty well; might've even had a suggested script for what you say. But the thought behind it is that you're basically saying "I hear you -- you're not happy. I agree, this isn't working, and it isn't working for me, either, so I"m giving you what you want, and moving on. I value myself too much to want to stay with someone who doesn't want to stay with ME."
Here's the basic scrpit. You have to mean these words to have an impact. there's no bluffing with this. Here's the email I sent to my W last year, it did lead her to reconsider: You contacted me over a month ago to talk and haven't made any effort. It has become very clear to me and I now get it. You are not attracted to me and haven't been for quite some time. It must feel terrible to think you would want to be with a man you're not in love with or attracted to. I was honestly angry before because I didn't get it, but now I do get it. I don't blame you for leaving if you felt that way. I would want out too if I felt that way about a woman. I now get it. That's why I can't be with you anymore. I can't be with someone who isn't attracted to me. It's time we both move on. All the time I've spent going through this whole process with you has really opened my eyes about a lot of things, I am not sure what I feel about you anymore now either. Once the final draft of the contract is drawn I will be filing the agreement so we can both move on with our lives. I wish you the best for our kids' sake and I truely hope you find what you're looking for in life.
Hope this helps. gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
