Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis been gone so long couldn't find my thread! lol!

AMEN!!! OMG You've got it!

Holding onto pain is self destructive and serves no one. The OW/OM/OP doesn't have to know you forgave them b/c it's NOT ABOUT THEM AT ALL...

I saw a post that said,

"Holding onto anger to punish someone else is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes."


The point is, the OW doesn't care whether you forgive or not. They are living their lives.

It's up to US to live ours. They are irrelevant.

But by withoholding our forgiveness,

we let them remain in our lives/souls b/c We are not detached or free yet.

We must free ourselves. Hence my signature lines...

If there's a person out there who hasn't forgiven the OP (assuming it's not a fresh wound)

they are walking around with a festering wound instead of a healed scar.

They wrongly believe that forgiving somehow benefits (unfairly) the OW...

it has nothing to do with the OW.

It benefits the one who is forgiving.

This is the single biggest life lesson I got from this whole experience.

My anger and pain was consuming ME, not someone else.

It was hurting ME and my children b/c I was not fully present for them...too much pain being retained in my life. Til I let it ALL go...

for me.

if someone confuses forgiveness with condoning, they misunderstand this post.

update on my sitch -

need guidance! My H is doing a lot of work on himself I think. I posted a month ago that H was sending me texts saying things like "you don't talk to me like you used to" (I was detaching). He says I love you in text messages and in person everytime I see him. He texts me that he keeps thinking about all of the damage that he has done and all of the people he has hurt. He is sincere when he says he is sorry - which is almost everyday.

When I went to Boston, my H was supposed to attend his 20 year HS reunion. He decided at the last minute to bring his girlfriend. It is a 5 hour drive. 1 hour into the drive, he turned the truck around and drove back home! He said he just couldn't introduce her to all of his friends and family. that even though they live together, she has never met anyone of any significance to him. No kids, family or long-time friends. He thought that if he goes through with bringing her with him - that is it. no going back.

so he turned around and didn't attend his 20 year class reunion. My H was loved by everyone in high school - Mr. Popularity in High School. star football and basketball player. gorgeous . funny. nice to everyone. class clown.

I was so sad for him that because of his choices or better yet - LACK of choices. he missed something important in his life that he will never get back.

But he finally made an ACTION. he didn't stand still and have others make the decisions for him. He turned the truck around and came home. I don't want to give him full credit for this action, his girlfriend I think was terrified to meet family and friends. She is 10 years younger than us and from what I have been told a very meek personalitly. but it was still significant in thier relationship.

So I get back from Boston, H is texting that he loves me and I am not replying at all. He responds with "what? no I love you 2?" my only response to him was that we need to talk.

Yesterday he came to the house in the morning to talk. I told him that I discovered 3 things recently about what is really important to me.

I did what PEI told me. I sat in the dark and dug deep. Really deep. and I asked myself what I want, and this is what I discovered:

1. I want the man in my life to love me and only me

2. I want to be Plan A - not Plan B. I don't want someone with me because it is easier or the "right thing to do". I am no ones backup plan.

3. I am really truly happy exactly the way I am. Without him.

I told him these things. and then he looked at me and said, "OW and I broke up. We r done."

I said, "I don't believe you"

He showed me a text from her that read, "It is finally sinking in. I feel soo bad."

(this could mean anything really and I said this to him)

He looked me straight in the eye and said - TAMF, it is over.

I told him that (because of our money situation and trying to sell the house) that if he chose to move home, I would go to my parents across the street when he was home. I don't need him anymore, I am happy without him and that if he wanted me back he was going to have to win me back.

He said he understood. I told him to think about all of this and don't start something unless he really understands my 3 guidelines.

He agreed.

This morning he was at work and sent me a text that read:

you def brought up some interesting points yesterday. & its all I can think about.

my reply:

so talk to me. tell me what you are thinking good or bad i am just glad you u r putting a lot of thought into ur situation.

He texts:

I know now your in a place that is good. Do I F@*k that up? I know you will be ok? Can i get through this time frame where I won't be with OW? & once again my girls.

my reply:
all resonable thoughts...

He texts (this one blew me away and made me smile so big!):

I know. through this whole thing I have never heard you talk the way you did yesterday. Please please do not take this the wrong way but you seemed like that strong woman I knew you were & could be without me. The plans you have made. the way you were going to approach life. I just never heard that before. Im not sayin you life revolved around me but yesterday you impressed me.

can I just say, WOW! one more time?! See I did it! I made the changes for myself and it shows!
God I feel good. Our converstation turned to the kids and he said that he loves how we are such good friends now. Something we never had before.

Anyway, I am in unfamiliar territory! I would just like some feedback. This is confusing as heck.

Hi TAMF

I haven't posted you before but I have been in your shoes already and may shed some light upon your current situation.

It's very good you told him what you want:


He notices you are a strong woman once again and "says" he's having regrets.


Why did they break up? Was it b/c he's ashamed to introduce her to his family and friends?

He just got dumped, no one likes to be dumped.
He hasn't felt what it's like to be alone yet. Time alone gives oneself the opportunity to think. Think about what's important to them.

You stated your expectation for a R. Now it's time to think about how/what he is going to do to prove to you he's in it for the right reasons.

Full disclosure of his cell phone?
MC? IC for him?
What else do you need to have assurance?

Do not take him back to easily! I made that mistake.

You have some things to think about now.
ttys

Wow, this is really fascinating to watch unfold. First of all you sound so awesome and strong and you should be really proud of yourself for getting to this place.

I've thought about what I would do were I ever to be in this situation where my XH's rel. with OW failed and then he noticed me again and the changes I've made, and the thing that sticks in my head is the phrase "One year."

Now I'm not IN that place so this is only what I would guess I would do/hope I would do.

But if my XH came back and started to feel that he wanted to reconcile with me, I'd tell him I thought he needed to be without a woman in his life for one year. One year to really dig deep himself, to see who he really was and what he really needed to be ok by himself, because it took me over that time span to really dig deep myself, and I'm a lot more open to self-exploration than he is.

I don't know how you feel about any kind of time table for him--I think what you said so far is great about your "conditions". I feel like I'd have a lot of conditions too, like "you need to make amends with the people in my life who you hurt." (Honestly my XH is so stubborn I think that would be the end of that ;-)

But the biggest thing to me is that these people really need to face not having the crutch of a relationship for a significant amount of time. It's the ONLY way that most of us were able to really discover ourselves and become better, more whole people. I think it's really important that they do the same, not because we are trying to be mean or controlling, but because if we truly want THEM to be as healed as we are, they need the space to do the work.

You can be his friend if you choose in this time frame, but I think he needs time to process the end of his "crazy" time and rebuild himself.

Ant,

are you copying off of my sheet?

I went out with one girl over the summer and she made the comment "most man can't stand being alone and jump into R too quickly b/c of that reason"

In this case I do believe he needs time alone to find what makes HIM happy.

I would love to find a girl who did as much work as I did.

Funny that you both say he should be alone. I have said this so many times and just the words "alone" terrify him. He asked, "why would I want to be alone?"

That is why I suggested he move back into the house and I move to my mom and dads when he is gone. The kids won't be displaced. My H is a freight train engineer, so when he is at work he is gone for 24 - 36 hours at a time. This will save money, and I am all about being financially smart during this divorce. Hopefully our house will sell very soon and then we can figure out what comes next.

He needs to figure his sheot out! He needs a IC more than anyone I know. His MLC stems from major childhood drama/secret/death of parent at 25. He needs so much help just for him! but he won't go.

plain and simple truth is that I have yet to see any action only words. and he is a SMOOTH talker let me tell you. Tells you everything you want to hear - only this time it's not enough! I MEAN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TAMF - It's stories like yours that give the rest of us reason to believe that order can be restored.

I believe that I'm in this mess for a reason and I'm a rare "glad it happened" person. I don't dislike my wife at all, but I was raised without a father and a single working mom. I have no concept of what family is. Through my W's turn of events, I do believe I have learned the value of family AND what it means to be a father and husband.

ALb has a quote that I saw further up that defines the source of my strength to maintain the fight I'm in:

"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"

My wife needs me. She disagrees and believes that marriage is something she never wanted, but I know better. She wanted better from me. I don't argue at all with her. I give her love and support and try to understand as best I can.

TAMF - I used to dream of your situation, what would I say to my W if she wanted to be together again. A month ago she told me she was sorry she was not the person I deserved and she was sorry she was not that person. It fell on deaf ears. I used to dream of the day I would hear her tell me she was sorry for anything. It was anti-climactic and I felt no fulfillment. My trust barrier has been damaged and I just don't believe she cares right now. She apologizes more often for whatever this past month, but it all is becoming annoying a bit because I'm growing too familiar with sorry today enemy tomorrow.

I agree with the others. Words prove nothing. He should have more time to really reflect on himself. Words can't prove to you what actions can.

I do have a question for you TAMF - Does he know of your DB efforts in the past? What books you read or this website? From what you are saying, and me not being a trusting fellow, it sounded a bit scripted on his part. Almost as if he was hitting all the right trigger words.

I don't want to burst a bubble. I really am happy for you and your situation makes my day. I want this to be what you really want. Just be cautious is all I'm saying I guess.

TAMF - looks like we were typing at the same time.......

Has this been diagnosed? FWIW- My mom died in my arms at the same age. It may have affected my negatively somewhat but I chose to use it in a positive way. It made me so much more stronger.




Give him the choice to show you. Let him know you think it's important for recovery.

Lot's to take in right now. DO NOT rush into anything.

Ha ha, gr8, we are on the same page!

Well, I'm not surprised he'd say who wants to be alone. I'd never have been alone if XH's actions didn't force that on me. I kicked and screamed against that for far too long.

But the end result was that I am an entirely new person and I kept the good stuff and got rid of the bad and I am a BADA*S chick right now, if I do say so myself...totally self-reliant, whole, and strong, but also really able to let people do their thing and stand back and not be codependent...the whole 9, which is probably exactly like you are, TAMF.

It's the fact that he resists "wanting" to be alone that means he SHOULD be, as you know. It's the only way to really learn how to face your innermost demons and you either face them and become friends or you run away.

I think another facet of this is that until you learn how to be alone and actually find that you can be HAPPY by yourself (as in happy with friends and family but not needing the romantic part to be happy) then you will always hold up the romantic relationship as "the thing" that you "must have" to be whole. It puts an enormous amount of pressure on that relationship, and when the relationship starts to crack, you just go running for another one, because you don't have enough of your own life together to handle being single.

Whoever wrote that stupid line in that movie "You complete me" needs to be beat up ;-) That very notion is a relationship killer in the end. If we've done the work, we complete ourselves. Only THEN can we really give to someone else.

I'm so glad you're so centered and able to see what is best for you right now. I'm sure that having a smooth talker saying "all the right things" is tough to face down!