Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Riding the Wave

J3B,

I will be equally as blunt with you ... I knew that you would misunderstand, but that's OK. We both have our methods and opinions. This is not a ploy in any context. It's called GAL my friend, and unless you've walked in my shoes, you would not know how to lead mine. Control over my life is all I seek. If you want others to respect your position, first be sure you are strong in your beliefs. Then be wiling to follow through.

I am not looking for a long term relationship from dating anyone. As I said, it's called GAL, and as far as I can tell, I have not been in a R with my W for the past 6 months. We have a business arrangement and we coparent our children. That is it. If my W ever chooses to work on our R at some later date, as I've said, I will leave to porch light on. But it will by MY choice to reconcile, NOT hers. So you see, I am rather successfuly detaching and moving on with my life. She is very clear about wanting this future divorce, so I see no reason doubht her and choose to go on with my life. That includes dating other woman. That includes lots of fishing. That includes the 1/2 day I just took off with a buddy to hike a 542-foot waterfall in the Columbia River Gorge today, and then the microbrews in the sun afterword. That includes the BBQ with friends I have scheduled for this Saturday nigbht at my place.

Dating is not a ploy. Neither are fishing, hiking, microsbrews with friends, BBQ's, 4th of July's spent at the beach with the kids. It called living my life J3B, and I intended to live mine to it's fullest. I know that am in the process of healing when I accept my situation and not only choose to be happy, but do something about it.

World

It looks dog.....

Smells like a dog....

Barks like a dog.....

Wags its tail like a dog.....

but if you say that it is cat then it must be a cat....

fine

Question......why did you point out all those funny things about your cat????

Cheers

edit....

It looks like a dog....

Sorry World, I have to say, I agree with J3B and MHL here ...

To all ...

I get your point, and I can see how one would interpret my statement in the manner you all took it. Let me clarify.

I see no reason to hide my actions. Just so happens the date wanted to meet at a wine bar in the area. I suggested this one (by far the best atmosphere, wine, food, etc.). Any other consequence or feedback to my W about this date did not influence my decision to meet there. I was just pointing out that this was a likely outcome. I don't really care either way (i.e. - detachment), am looking forward to getting out for the evening and possibly making a new friend (i.e. - GAL), and am happy with my decision.

Much appreciate all your feedback and keeping things honest.

World

World

Question - do you want your wife back?

If so, then are your actions consistent with that?

My point (and I’m not criticizing you’re desire to go out on a date) is….why would you take a date to a place where your W may find out?

How does this help your cause?

How could this help in the future IF she and YOU decided to give it a go again?

Do you think a little discretion is warranted?

That said, if you are truly done with your W then hey have at it. Prance the date around town.

Tit for tat...

Do two wrongs make a right?

This will be the question that YOU MAY need to answer if she ever wakes up. So why put yourself in that position.

My personal opinion....and opinions are like as*holes...everyone has one...

You want YOUR W to know...YOU want to see if this will snap her as* out of it...and that buddy is a tactic.


Have a good time fishing.

Eric

Eric,

Point well taken. The location makes no sense from a logistical standpoint, if in fact I do want to keep the door open for my W. I would like to get back togeother, but certainly not with the person she has been over the last 6 months). So why mess myself over? It's always good to keep one's options open (i.e. "Plan B" - J3B).

As indiated, I don’t want revenge, and I don’t want to hide my actions from W. Part of me thinks it would be good for her to see me moving on, and the other thinks there’s no reason to rock to boat. We have been interacting positively now for almost 2 months. So it makes no sense to risk possibly further stalling her journey thru her MLC. My main motive with this date is just to get out and get some socialization and female companionship. I am also trying to gradually mentally prepare myself for an alternative future without my W.

The answer is clear. Find another spot. Explore life and have fun, but discretion in advisable to say the least.

You're a good man Eric. Hope you are doing well.

World

Agreed.



Miscommunication. I nvere said or meant that dating was a ploy.
"where" you dated was.

That you were going to that place, to me, showed what was more important than the actual dating. The date was secondary to the message you wanted to impart. (To me, doesn't mean I am right)

I think I am upsetting you, and that is not my intent. This MLC crap is a long process, in order to give yourself the best chance at making it through some old notions must be challenged.



If that's how you took it. ; )

Jack,

When you're right, you're right. Yes, your observations did upset me. Most probably because you made me face what was partly the truth.

I will really have to think about this date. It intrigues me, and I just look foward to meeting someone new. Romance is not my objective. Female companionship is. Good thing I have a couple of weeks to weigh this need. If I am still inclined to go on this date, discretion (another location, away from this town) would appear extremely advisable. My life should be kept private. However, I now realize I do need to care about information that leaks back to my W. Avoidance of conflict is what has improved my life with my W over the last few months. Hence, why risk voiding my options with my W through careless / needless actions?

As you indicated, MLC is a long process. At this time, my W definitely seems to be sorting things out. She appears well past the worst of her crisis, though cycling back could also occur. For the last 2 months, she has become much more pensive and introspective, and seeks time alone. On the other hand, she is still cordial to the family and keeps in constant contact with her girls. Positive changes are occuring between she and I, and need to continue, regardless of whether we ever get back together.

As for her MLC process, I can’t see or tell what’s going on with her thoughts, and I can’t help her or "fix" her. This I know. However, I can hurt the situation with my actions, so I must be really careful and introspective of my motives and try hard to balance my desires to expand GAL. One must act unselfishly, but also be mindful of the future. My W’s MLC story is still being written. I now see that it is important to stay out of her storyline as much as possible.

Thanks again and no worries. Keep calling it as you see it (I know you will!).

World

World,

Thank you World and I am doing okay.

I can totally relate to not wanting to want to be with the person she is today. Are you the same person you were six months ago? I suspect not. Do you think that you have done enough of the work on yourself? My only point here is that maybe instead of still thinking and focusing on the person that she is today…spend more time focusing on who YOU really want to be in…six month, 1 year, etc.

Do you have a dog? And Hey…I’m not chop liver here…ya just met me <insert picture of Eric smiling>

Man to man… “female companionship”….honestly dude. Why not just go out with a bunch of guys? Actually, before you answer me…allow me to explain what happened when I did it.
First off, I was broken. I felt like chit. My self esteem was at an all time low. A women, I thought would fix this. I can look back on it now….I justified my actions to myself. I talked myself into saying that this was good for me, “I had every right”, “I was just moving on”, “just a friendly date”, “it was just a companion’, blah, blah, blah,…What I did not do was be honest with myself. I did not call it for what it was, which was….I needed to be validated. I needed to feel that a women wanted me. I needed to feel like “I still had it”….I needed to feel “love”, “a connection”…hell I needed some sex. I am not saying that you are me World. No. My only advice is be really honest with yourself. Is this something that you really need right now? What are your true reasons for going out on the date? Pssst….one last point….deep down inside I wanted my STBXW to know…I wanted her to find out…I was…hoping…no…praying….that this would be the wake up call that she needed. Guess what? I didn’t work and when it didn’t I was still vulnerable, lonely and remorseful. In the end, people got hurt. Hurt that could have been avoided had I just been……..
HONEST WITH MYSELF.

World, you know yourself better than I do so maybe none of this applies to you. That said, I would apply the old DB 101 mantra…if it stings…if there is some truth to it…then look at it.

What makes you say this? I am not disagreeing with you. I just wonder how you know this. Has she said it to you? Are you mind reading? Are you just optimistic?

I hope I don’t offend you with this World….your actually growing on me dude &#61514;…YOU see that comment up there…about positive interactions…..I think it’s great man. I really do. So……is a date with another women (probably some hottie too)…worth loosing that? Is it worth adding to the confusion of all of this? I am not telling you what to do, condoning what you do….I am only asking you to think about it. I did it. I didn’t listen…most do not…YOU World should do what YOU, in your heart, think is best for World and his kids.
One more question…when your kids get older…when/if they ask….”Daddy….how much do/did you love mom?”..what answer do you want to give them? World…I can honestly say that in my case, I cannot give them the answer that I really would have wanted to. I am not trying to guilt you into not going on the date. That is not my intent…just think about this World…think about this date.
If your wife were to wake up tomorrow….what would you say?