Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I think I'm done.

Insightful Mach, thanks. Perhaps "continue" would be a better characterization of what I'm trying to do.

I feel like I need some things I can point to as evidence of successful detachment. They have been hard to come by thus far.

Regarding the letter, I do have some valid concerns that OM could potentially be managing my future assets. But, creating a few consequences might not be bad. After all, if what I'm doing isn't working, I'll change it.

Crushed

My big as* football player sized buddy…..Dude, I am sorry you are going through this chit! First – chin up dude. You will make it and the craziness will stop when you want it to. It really is that simple. Take away the button and she can no longer press it.


I disagree.. I think you may be detached. I also think you are now really pissed the f off and will no longer tolerate her bull. You spent 3 hours screaming….not because you are not “detached” but because you are now starting to face the anger. You are not starting to stand up and say no more! Personally, I also think that you are struggling with being “done”….but that is just me. You may be “done” but you are afraid to be really “done”. Afraid that maybe by admitting that you are done that this is it. This is the finally. Crushed, it does not have to be so. You can be done today and not done tomorrow. It really is okay to vacillate between done and not done.


Sorry I will try and be sensitive in my response………..

THEN FUC*ING CHANGE YOUR SITCH! You control this. You may not see it now…but all of this is really under your control. You want to deal with her…that is your choice…you want to hang up on her…your choice. You are the fu*king man here dude. DB is not always about “I’m sorry you feel this way”. NO….sometime you need to stand up for how and what you believe and feel.


And you give a chit because…..? The answer to this should tell you want you need to know.

Before I forget (damn I’m getting old)….


Consider her actions / responses….. as it relates to the below comment…


Does she? OR DO YOU? Crushed, let me tell you something…something that I realized not to long ago. My STBXW is NOT done….not by a long shot. My STBXW deep inside her heart is in so much pain…..

(why do you say this Eric)

Cause she still tries to push my buttons. She still does stuff that show that she is emotionally invested. I am done…not her…I am…and I choose to be! I love the old wife with all my heart…this new person…well not so much so…so I choose to be done.

Think about this for a sec….do you think she would call you to scream if she was done? Do you think that she will call you hound you and piss you off if she is done? IMO, NO. When you are done you are done….nothing that is said of done will change it. She aint done by a long shot…sorry man. So YOU Crushed will need to decide what and how you deal with HER. We have said all along…..YOU DECIDE!


FTR, I still think the NYer Rican can take ya ……just kidding…just kidding….:)


The fact that you give a chit says what to YOU?


FTR, I have not read the letter yet….BUT….the fact that you are going to send it to his supervisor should say something to you. Fuc& it….let me say what it says to me….

MANIUPLATION, HURT, ANGRY, GUILT…..

Those are the words that come to mind when I think that you will MAY send the letter. And FTR….I think my STBXW is still boppin OM….who has kids….do you think I would send a letter? If not, then why?

Okay I read the letter now….

1) You do come across as a jilted spouse
2) You are really pissed off
3) You blame him for YOUR wifes actions (normal yes…but actually not his fault – FTR, I did the same for a long time….make that long time. Why? I was afraid to be pissed off at my STBXW)


Hey MHL…but it’s a “DRY Anger” so it is different…..hehehe… Sorry Crushed I had to.

Crushed,

Stop freaking worrying about what she is going to say and do. Continue to do this and no matter if you are divorced or not…YOU will never be happy.

Live your fu*king life dude….

Forgive her and forgive yourself….

Stop blaming OM and yourself…

This is her freaking train wreck…

Get out of the way….

Me…I would go as dark as possible.

How? With children?

Simple….we do not talk and I only respond to text as they relate to the kids….everything other form of communication is via email. I do not see her…(nor do I want to) outside of a court of legal proceedings.

Crushed….i was afraid to be done…I was afraid of living my life..I only knew how to be married…I was afraid of getting angry at her…I was afraid of really loosing her…I was afraid of divorce….I was afraid to be happy…I was afraid of the life style change…I was afraid of so much…

I blamed om, I blamed her, I blamed anyone that could listen…..

Guess what….

I am happy!

I let her go…..let her go completely.

Do I still love her? Yep…always WILL….I Just CHOOSE NOT TO BE WITH HER.

My choice…

I choose not to deal with her

I choose to get out of her way

I choose to be the best dad I can be

I choose to NOT lower myself or become who she is today….

I choose to wish her happiness but protect myself and my kids.

I choose to be the man I was always meant to be

I choose to really detach

You can make some of the same choices…..

These choices do not say that YOU and YOUR wife will not get back together in the future…..

BUT NOW

RIGHT NOW…..

YOU NEED to let go…and heal buddy….

Keep GAL’ing

DO not let her or anyone else take away your happiness….and that

CRUSHED IS YOUR JOB….

Oh...and as your friend....Don't send the letter - it really will not accomplish what you think it will. Actions buddy...speak louder....cut off the phone...hang up on her...whatever...but do not send the letter.

God Bless,
Eric

Oh, I'm with you there my friend...I would have the same concerns, and I have them for you as well...

Maybe just a letter that addresses concerns about this man handling your account with out the other schidt ?


Just no more victim...you took that step..

Now it's a choice to change your account management...

Ahh crap....well, sometime in late August, after you get through Epic's post....

: )

Wow! You guys are good. Love reading your posts.

You know I don't think the letter's a horrible idea, if someone ELSE wrote it for you, took away all the anger that uhhhh you say you don't have toward him in it.

Valid posts all. I appreciate the input from those who truly walk it. I'm always surprised at how easy it is to fall off the path and let the anger back in.

[quote=]Personally, I also think that you are struggling with being “done”….but that is just me. You may be “done” but you are afraid to be really “done”. Afraid that maybe by admitting that you are done that this is it. This is the finally. You can be done today and not done tomorrow. It really is okay to vacillate between done and not done.[/quote]

E, I really struggle with this. ^^^ Aren't we conditioned to make choices and stick to them? At least that's my background. I'll attempt to analyze everything to death and then make a choice when I've arrived at a seemingly acceptable response. There's no going back from there.

I am truly terrified of being "really" done.

Crushed,

What is "done"? Really what is it? IMO, it is a "label" that really means something different for each person.

For example: Person A may say they are "done" tolerating behavior towards them that is unhealthy.

Person B may say they are "done" and move on BY THEMSELVES in their life.

Person C may say they are "done" and move on with someone else.

Person D may say that they no longer can emotionally allow the MLCer into their space.

My point is being done is something that you yourself define for YOU. It is not my definition....it is yours.


let me ask you a question....if you invest 10,000 in Microsoft stock and say to yourself that you will stay invested no matter what...a week later the market takes a dive, new reports suggest that you get out of stocks and into US Treasuries. What do you do?

Do you stick with Microsoft or do you move the money?

My point, is that sitch's change and MEN know when and how to adapt to each change. The old Eric was a stubborn hard headed person that would have said the same thing you said..."I can't change my mind"....Crushed you can!

Let me give you a personal example.....

My STBXW....I no longer want to be in a R with her...at any level, she is damaged. That is HOW I FEEL TODAY....do you think I know how I will feel in 5 years, 10 years, 3 days, 2 months? I don't...I also know that I will always do what is in the best interest of my children and myself. IF what is best for me in the future is to be with my wife, well then I will change my mind.

Another consideration.....

You expected your w to accept your changes....as did I....she didn't...at least not NOW...does that mean that she will not in the future? Who knows? If you were single and she was "healed" and out of her crisis....would you want her to say to herself...I made a choice...and I must stick to it? probably not.

The choice IMO, that you should make and never waver is....

To be the man that your kids can look up to...

To be a man that you are proud of.

God Bless.
Eric

Sorry it took me so long to respond...I was having a long talk with my oldest son....a deep conversation about his girlfriend. Crushed, I think he made a choice a year ago to distance himself from me. Guess what? I am glad he did not "stick to his choice"...I love him and my other two more than life itself...I am so glad....

I am his model....


Be the model to your kids....be the example to them....

Never let PRIDE and ANGER drive your choices...

Peace Brother....

Love ya man!

Eric, this was a GREAT post. I don't make it over to MLC a lot, but this is exactly why I browse at times. A lot of wisdom to be had.



This is the exact situation I am in. And I have not used the 'done' word for these exact reasons. While in this context it fits. It is not the word I feel is best used.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know how much I enjoyed reading this.

If you ever want to make your way over to the 'Newcomers' section, there are many who could use this type of advice.

Take care all.

Even the bad ones Crushed ?

I think that is what we would like to do in most instances, however, what really keeps us locked into living with those poor choices that we make/or have made ?

Is it fear ? A fear of change ? A fear that our lives may become difficult through our correcting those choices ?

As humans, we appear resistant to change, in reality, we are only resistant to change that was not our idea...

I.E. We try the new pizza place that just opened up down the street, and it is better than the place that you have patroned for the past twenty years....and it is closer, and cheaper...

Not much of a choice to change huh ?

THEN , your boss comes in a week later and tells you that you HAVE to wear a chicken suit to work everyday now, to promote his new line of Vodka....: )

They are both changes, but the way we view those changes is so radically different, that we resist what is imposed onto us


The changes in your life that you have been so resistant to, were not of your own doing. It rocked your comfort zone to the max , and fighting it every inch has put an emotional strain on yourself.

Is that from a fear of change ?

What does fear mean to you ?


I think that what Epic is saying is that, when you get to the place where you have confronted fear, and stared it down from every corner, that embracing change , is a very healthy way to live your life for you....

Crushed, nobody knows what the future holds for any of us.

Never and Always are the words that make us hypocrites.

You can be done today, and not tomorrow.

Nothing is impossible...

Everything is acheivable...

It is about what you strive for and embrace when it comes your way....




I think so too Country....IF I am correct though, the rules change when he posts....

Thread length is 100 posts , or 3 of Epics posts....

And good lord , half of one of PEI's posts...

: )