Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Divorce on the horizon?

Jack told me it is time for another thread. I figured this would be the perfect opportunity.

Here is a link to my previous thread:

I am the devil....

W and I had our pre-mediation meeting today. We spent three hours together today. Needless to say, we didn't get much resolved. There are things that neither one of us will budge on.

When we first arrived at the coffee shop, we were both a little hostile. Maybe it was because of nervousness. Things settled down, but there were some more hostile moments.

I'm beginning to wonder if she really is in MLC. Isn't it just possible that she fell out of love with me after 25 years? It does happen right? If it isn't MLC, what should my approach be?

She is still so full of anger and resentment. I've never seen so much hate. I just don't get it.

She said some pretty interesting things:

"I still loved you when I left. I don't now. You couldn't give me the time I needed."

"OM has nothing to do with this."

"I'm not f*cking him. He is just a friend."

"I look at old pictures and it seems like another lifetime."

"I feel absolutely nothing for you."

"You don't care that I may not make it on my own if I have to pay child support."

"You're trying to take me to the cleaners."

"I don't want to rehash old sh!t."

"I've looked on the internet. I'm not going through a mid life crisis."

"I just want this done."

"Can't we just agree and get it over with?"

"You haven't changed."

"Your changes are too late."

"You tell me all the stuff I want to here, but it is too late because now I don't care."

"I'm no longer repulsed when I see a picture of you. I was for a while."

"I wanted to settle things today and then have a loving conversation."

"I'm not making any sense right now, because I'm spewing out things I don't mean to say."

"You told me it is impossible to feel love when it is buried by resentment. You should go on Jerry Springer."

"I told you months ago that we need to build a friendship."

"I'm just done with everything."

"All I have in my life is work and school."

"I don't want to delay things because I no longer care."

"I don't want to work things out."

"You always made me feel like I wasn't important enough or dark enough. Whenever you saw a pretty dark woman, I felt that I wasn't dark enough for you."

"You just don't try to understand my feelings."

"You always complained about my weight." (NEVER!)

"You only included me in activities with your friends because you thought you needed too."

"When we decided to renew our vows for our 25th, you should have proposed to me."

"You only want what you can't have."

"I see you have a gorgeous new female FB friend."

"I feel nothing for you. I'm just done."

"You just can't believe that I am done."

"I wanted to work on things when I moved out, but a lot has happened and now I don't want to."

Then there was this which I found interesting:

W: And just so you know, I am not going through a midlife crisis because I read up on it a year ago.

M: A year ago? Why?

W: Because I wanted to make sure that I wasn't going through one. I even talked to my doctor about it and she says that I'm not. So I am not going through one.

I don't know guys. Maybe she did just fall out of love. She is so determined NOT to work on things because she "has been trying for so many years."

I just don't see how someone can throw 25 years away. So hard to let her go.

Things were a little hostile when we parted ways today. When we were leaving, I said "Let me know when you want to come get S16 again."

She flipped me the bird.

I told her that is how teenagers act.

She flipped me the bird again.

About 20 minutes after we left, my phone rang:

M: Hello.

W: Hey. I'm sorry.

M: I'm sorry too.

W: I'm sorry. I don't want to go over old stuff. I just want to concentrate on where we are now and things to come in the future.

M: Okay

W: I'm sorry and I'll talk to you later okay?

M: Alright. Bye.

W: Bye.

Maybe I shouldn't, but damn it I LOVE THIS WOMAN. What the f*ck can I do?

Is it possible that she is NOT MLC?

Help please.....

Tad

Tad,
First I want you to understand one thing. I do not give a rats as* about your W right now (and no I am not insensitive). I really care about you and your emotional health. That said here are my comments.
I am not familiar with your state divorce laws but it seems a little weird to me that they would be two emotionally charged people together in an attempt to resolve issues. IMO, if you need to do this again, I would come prepared with a list…maybe you guys can discuss one topic at a time. I also suggest that you deal with some of the easy issues first. For example maybe the division of personal property should be discussed first. Then I suggest you try and tackle some of the harder issues. Just remember….do not throw yourself on the sword thinking that if you hand her the keys to the castle that she will come out of this.

Only you can tell if she is in a crisis. Personally, based on what you have posted I think she is.

RIGHT NOW your approach should be the same. DETACH DETACH DETACH.


Can a sane person understand some one that is crazy? Why are you trying to understand what she feels right now? What do you hope to accomplish knowing? Stop looking at her!


Read the MLC resources….this is called “script”. We have all heard this type of stuff. Some of it is verbatium.


Why do you think we detach? To give YOU and THEM room to process and deal with the issues that BOTH of you must deal with. Bottom line you deal with YOURS and she will deal with HER. FTR, she will deal with HERS on HER timeline NOT yours.


THE OM is usually the symptom and not the problem. I am not saying that someone banging someone W is not a problem I am saying that the OM represents usually what they THINK they want.


Why did she make this statement? Did you ask? What does knowing do for you? Do you think it helps? Do you think it will make you feel better. Yeah I get the….”I need to know” feeling. Guess what it does nothing but hurt you. Question….do you think know WILL HELP BOTH of YOU should either of you try to reconcile? For me, I am sure it would not help knowing the details…at least not NOW.


Excuse to herself IMO. Stop focusing on everything she is saying to you.


Funny I read this quote and I remember hearing something similar. At the time I looked at is as a negative….now…what I can tell you is this…..WHY would she make this comment IF SHE DID NOT SEE CHANGES? The fact that she may see changes is a positive. It may not save your M but it is still a positive.



This is a typical guilt tactic…She wants YOU to feel a certain way.. She may just be banking on you handing everything over and taking the blame for everything. Realize what it is.

I can go on and on and pick apart every quote…but really what is the point. The issue remains that she FEELS the way that she does and NOTHING YOU do can change it…….RIGHT NOW…..
Stop focusing on her man!
Get off the fuc*ing rollercoaster and start looking at YOU.

Does this ^^^^ sound like someone that is sane?


Hmmm…can you see what she is saying with this quote? Can you be her friend….the type of friend to respect HER CHOICES?

"I don't want to delay things because I no longer care."


Do her choices impact YOURS? Can you do what you need to do for YOU or what YOU want to do regardless of what she says or does? If not, then why?

Get off the rollercoaster buddy.
Love her enough to let her go….

Hey Tad I am going to give you a millon $$$$.

I said it so do you believe me?

Your wife can tell you whatever she wants to say. In the first post that I give to newbies it says.

Believe NONE of what she says and 50% of what she DOES.

So like Eric said we don't care what she SAYS because to me it all sounded like MLC script.

She IS having a MLC, I Am SURE OF THAT!

You are getting divorced, she has an EA or PA with an OM, and all the signs are there.

So in conclusion if you believe her then believe me that you are getting a million $$$.

Oh and ask Eric for the money, you have a better chance of getting it from him.
I am flat a$$ broke.

Thanks Eric. Appreciate everything.



I know buddy. I just wanted to give everyone an update on how it went today. Plus, I like to come on here and just write my feelings and thoughts down.



I do too. She swears up and down that she isn't.



Man, I wish it was that easy.



I did ask and I know I shouldn't have. She says it is none of my business. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. You're right. Doesn't help a thing.



True statement my friend.



I can, but it hurts when her choices don't include me. She went ice cold overnight. I thought everything was fine.

A couple of other quotes from her today:

"You changed your relationship status on FB to seperated so the whole world can see."

"You're just fighting for custody to beat me. It's like you are trying to "win" something. It's all about winning. I get sh!t on because you'll get everything."

Whatever.

Thanks for the input.

Tad

Haha. Thanks Cadet. I need to repeat this over and over:



I keep forgetting that.

Looks like I'll give Eric a call for the money if he has any left.

Tad

Tad, I read the quotes above and recounted every conversation I've had with W over the last year. About half of those quotes were verbatim out of her mouth.

I believe half of what she says is her therapist, another quarter is OM, another quarter is the funk that surrounds her. Perhaps all our spouses find the same website which confirms all their choices. Or maybe that b*tch in "eat,pray, love" influenced her. Whatever the case, there will always be someone offering solice and the thought that humans are not meant to be monogamous. We are conditioned that everything's disposable; relationships, people.

This is tough sledding. I'm not totally successful at detaching, but I've felt the best when I'm furthest away. Do your best. We only answer to God and ourselves.

Tad, Tad, Tad,

Dude.........

I know you are hurting......

You gotta stop this.....

MLC or NOT......does not matter

(FTR your wife is the poster child for MLC)

your actions, your approach should be the same......

DO NOT INTERACT WITH HER AT ALL.

I mean really your youngest is 16..........

why do you even need to talk to her......

I hate to compare sitches but I never talk to my XW and if I do communicate it is through email and my kids are 11 and 14.

She is going to blame anyone and everyone for what SHE has decided to do, and it is going to take a long time for that to change if ever.

She is in a shooting gallery and you are the easiest target for her to hit...........have you figured that out yet?

Stop exposing yourself to her......

She has a pellet gun and she is nailing your a$$ everytime you guys interact..........does it hurt?????

IF not keep up what your doing.....

If it does hurt then do something different.

Let me help you refocus.........

What day of the week is it???

What are you doing in 3 days???

I know what I'm doing......how bout you????

Of all the sh!t you are dealing with.........that is an easy one to do.

I am into easy dude.........you need to focus on something else.

Hope this helps......

Cheers

Thanks Crushed and MHL.

I know. I know. Quit looking at her. I actually do feel better when we have no contact. I just miss her when we don't. She has been the one to initate all contact.



Yeah. Tell me about it. She will deny deny deny though.



Oh yeah.



Monday dude. Three days until Little Friday. Not sure how I will celebrate yet.



You know what? For the most part, I have and guess what? She complained about it today:

"you never get out of the car and talk to me or say hi when you come over and pick up S16."

What the hell?

I can't win.

I'm heading to bed. It is only 8:00 here in Arizona, but I need to call it a day and try to get some sleep.

Thanks.

Tad

Again Tad, much good advice. May want to re read some of that so that it sinks in.

I can tell you I have and still do hear the same verbatim. My favorite so far was when she accused me twice (9 months apart) of having a young woman sneak over to my house. I laughed so hard I nearly wet my pants. She believed it. Details and everything. It never happened, but it reminded me her tinfoil hat was crooked or something.

It's not about you Tad, but you are the easy target. For as long as you allow it, my friend.

AJ

I litterally laughed out loud at that one AJM