Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Should I contact her?

Again, thank you very much MHL.

I haven't been standing still. The first two weeks I was in a deep black hole and couldn't do anything. The next two weeks I improved myself, I got out of the hole, got a nice place to live, got a car, made friends, and enjoyed life a bit. The last 2 weeks I've been concentrated in my work (that I relegated to a second plane initially) and in my mum's health. My mood was also a bit down, but I'm getting better.

Only now I feel that I have enough margin to start thinking about these things.

Does it make sense?

I just hope it's not too late... That I didn't let too much time run.

Thank you, regards.

I've decided that I'm going to contact my wife today, as a way to test the waters. Just a simple message.

dbmod and others suggested me to test the waters after the no contact period, and I think that time has come. I'm planning to ask my wife if we can have a chat one of these days, if she's comfortable with it.

The outcome might be:
- a "no", and I'll wait a bit more;
- a "yes, but let's do it like I want", and I'll stand on my ground to keep control;
- a "yes, what do you want to do?", and I didn't think about this one very well, but I'm tempted to suggest a simple no-relationship talk over Messenger.

Do you guys have any other suggestion? Am I missing something here? Is this a wrong step?

Thank you, regards.

Hey Lonely,
I like that you outlined the possible outcomes.....that is good.

You are prepared for the worst and are hoping for the best.

On the Messenger chat thing........I am not a fan.

And if the talk does turn to Relationship you are just going to come across and cold if you try to shut it down.

The other thing about electronic communication is that it can be mis-interpreted so easily.

Maybe you are not ready for face to face with her yet and I understand that, I just think the messenger is fraught with pitfalls.

The other thing that will happen is that you will obsess about everyword she types and read and re-read over and over again, taking your own perspective on how you think she was feeling as she typed the words.....

So much so that you will draw conclusions, make decision and act on something that you have spun up in your mind based on "in the moment" electronic communication.

How about a simple "hey how are you" via text or chat......do 5 minutes of that and cut it off saying you have to go and ask if she would like to have coffee sometime.....

Just a thought.

Cheers

Hi MHL, thank you again.

That's exactly what I was planning to do, just a short chat over Messenger to ask her how she is and to update her about my mum's health. Hopefully this will open the door for further communication, until I'm (and she) ready for a face-to-face.

What troubles me is that this goes against what the books say. Am I going to blow it all?

Regards.

I don't think that this goes against what is in the book in your case. You are going into this with no expectations and furthermore you are prepared for all the outcomes.

You are experimenting here......that is clearly outlined in the book.



No guarantees......besides what exactly are you going to blow???

The only thing you can mess up is if you take the focus off of YOU and put it on her........this contact that you are going to initiate should be such a small part of what you are working on.


I would be more interested to hear about YOU, things you are doing, books you are reading, realizations about yourself....etc.


Tell us about that.......that is where you can "blow it" by not doing those things.

cheers

Oh, my life changed a lot in the last 6 weeks.

I found friends that I thought I never had and am spending 5 evenings a week away from home with them. I'm supporting my mum in her battle with cancer from 2000 miles away.

I've learned to surf, I've started martial art classes, I found a nice place to stay after the initial hole, I bought a car, I didn't miss a single day of work. I've joined a guitar club and a film club.

I got back to the gym and finally have a workout plan to put on some weight and muscle.

I gave my wife the space and time she needed, without talking to her a single time about other things than practical things. And this only happened 3 times.

I've read DR and other 2 books about love and relationships.

I did everything at my reach.

Wow,

Now that is some GALing!!!!

Remember, all that is for YOU.

Make sure you are doing this for YOU.

I know that your W is in top of your mind and that is okay. You will find that over TIME that she is not so much at the forefront anymore.

I think you have a good plan in place, Remember you do not have to tell her everything you are doing and it is better if she asks instead of you telling her.

So the first time that you talk or meet you cut it short not really offering why. If she asks tell her, "oh, I have karate lessons" and spin and go just as happy as you can be.

cheers

Okay, sent the message 4 hours ago and no answer yet. I'll give it a bit more time. Heck, I'll give it all the time!

That's one of the outcomes I forgot to consider in my little brainstorming session: no response.

What do you all think?

Regards.

It does not mean anything and the fact that you know that it has been 4 hours is a testiment to the fact that you need to get more of a life.

If and when you do hear from her you should not respond immediately. That would tell her that you are just waiting by the computer/phone whatever.....right????

And that is what you are doing......see the problem.

Not a 2x4 but more of pointing out where your head needs to be on this.

electronic communication is there so that we can do other things with our time.

Forget about it for now......go surfing dude.

Cheers

Thank MHL, you rock!

Actually I went out for dinner tonight and left the phone in the car. I visited a friend and left the phone in the car again. But I do confess that the idea is in my head from time to time and I can't seem to fully relax.

But I'm cool. Let's see tomorrow morning, mornings are always worse for me, probably because I spend the night dreaming about good things and when I wake-up reality kicks me in the face! But it's getting better, morning by morning. At least tomorrow it's Saturday, I'll tire my thoughts in the gym!

Cheers!