Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Should I contact her?

Thank you for your words Bworl, they are very inspiring.

I guess I'm just feeling the pressure of the situation, and as currently I'm in a down moment, I don't want to act without carefully thinking about it.

I'm just thorn between what DB'ing says ("wait for your wife to contact you") and what my heart feels, that I should start talking to her. But I also know that she has complete control over this situation, as she initiated it and has been managing it wisely. I'm afraid of sticking my head up and being shot...

Thank you again, regards.

Hi all,

The last few days have been really harsh, I'm struggling to make the move to contact my wife, afraid of giving her another opportunity to drop the next bomb (the divorce, a word that I don't recall having been said yet).

I don't feel ready to physically talk to her, because I've lost almost 10 Kg in the last month and have been sleeping really bad. I'm doing small improvements, but it will take time.

I need some comfort but I'm so alone. I have no family around and I really don't want to overload my friends with relationship talks any more. I don't know what to do and my life and future are very dark places right now.

Thank you for reading this, regards.

Hey Lonely,

I just got caught up on your situation and I am sorry that you find yourself here but this is a great place and you will find that this journey of self discovery that you are on will ultimately be the best thing that you have ever experienced in your life.

Typically the time you are apart from your spouse gives you time to reflect on your marriage/relationship and figure out the things that you did that contributed to the downfall of the relationship.

Beware......only own your half.....do not make excuses for her shortcomings. (more on that later). First identify those things in YOU that you would like to fix.....and then go about fixing them for YOU not for your W or for your Marriage. Whether your marriage is saved or not YOU need to be a better you.....right???

The second thing that you are doing while you are working on number one is "getting a life" (GAL), this should be easier for you because it was not that long ago that you were "JUST YOU" meaning before you met your W. What were you doing then?? Who did you hang out with??? I know you are in a different country however I see that as an advantage for you......it will make you even more attractive when you GAL in a foreign country.

Let me clarify.....anyone would expected that you would have a difficult time, meeting new friends, taking on new activities, learning a new language.......so when you do those things you become even more ATTRACTIVE. That is the goal here.....to become more attractive.

Now I do not know what culture you come from but I believe that in most cultures women like to be with a man that is secure in himself, confident and sure of his words and actions. Women want and crave to be with a man that they "feel" safe with. IT IS A FACT.

I know that in some cultures that it is common to have "extended" families living under one roof and where ever you are living now that very well may be the case but I see that as the major thing that changed in your situation.

You said that you looked at places and your wife always found a reason that she did not like them......right???

I am going to take a guess here and propose that there probably wasn't anything wrong with the places you were picking........it was YOU........I am sorry if that stings a little. Allow me to explain.

Women react to three basic fears in some form or another....

they are fear of

isolation
deprivation
loss of security

Think about your wife and the thought of leaving her parents home.......

What is she getting there.....

Relationships with her family (Isolation)
Family will provide shelter/food (deprivation)
She will not be harmed (security)

She might not be feeling that good about your ability to provide for her in those areas if you guys move away from her parent's house.

Ask yourself.....Why might she feel that way???? (do not ask her!!!!!)

Again I do not know what country you are living in so I do not know the standard of living for where you are at.

That being said.......You live in a "room". You have no kids, no other financial responsibilities you might otherwise be able to shed??? Why can you not get a place of your own???

Maybe you can but are afraid you will send the wrong message......

If that is the case then that is EXACTLY what you need to do.

You need to be able to provide a place or at least have a good plan for you both to be able to provide for a place that she will "feel" safe in.

Is this making sense?????

This is one of the things that makes you "ATTRACTIVE".

If this is not within your financial means right now then what are you doing to change that????

This is only one thing that you need to look at when trying to improve YOU.

Make YOU and YOUR life something that is sooooo irresistable that she would leave the comfort and security of her parents home to be with you. She still cares about you and probably still loves you but is "not attracted to you" and she does not know why.

Now for the things that she did or did not do in the marriage.....you can not help her fix herself.....however you can let her know in a constructive way that your "needs" are not being met.....whether it is the "need" to have a "tidy" home or "physical affection" or whatever it is that gets under your skin.

All to often we communicate in the wrong way....we withdraw, we get angry, we accuse our partners of "making" us feel a certain feeling. It is up to us to communicate to our spouses that we have feelings and that there is something they are doing or not doing that is contributing to that feeling and then let go.

Let your spouse digest the information and let them "decide" if they are going to do anything about it, that is all you can do. When you communicate in the wrong way you instill fear into your wife if you are a man.

If you are a woman and you communicate in the wrong way with your husband you will instill "shame" in him. It is a common problem in marriages.

I apologize for the length of the post.

I know you are in pain......you are looking for what to do next.

I could tell you but if you are not ready then YOU will just mess it up further......I did. That is why most times the distance is good. It gives you the TIME that is needed to work on YOU.

Know this.......it will take TIME......much longer than 5 weeks.

In your case I agree with Bill, you need to "woo" or "attract" your wife back.

I think an invite to lunch would be appropriate. I think you have done a good job in limiting the contact with her family. I would suggest to keep that up. It sounds like your W might be receptive to you contacting her.......if you choose this, do so with NO EXPECTATIONS......imagine the worse thing that could happen and EXPECT that. That way you will not be disappointed.

If she accepts, come back here for advice.....avoid all relationship talk.

Hope this helps.



Cheers

Thank you very much MHL, very very much. It's an impressive contribution.

What you told me was already in my mind, I know that we need to meet, to see each other, ideally physically. But I feel that I'm not ready (physically and mentally) and that time is running out. I know it might just be non-sense, but I feel that the more time passes the more my wife drifts away from me.

I know that she's getting impatient with this "limbo" situation we're living in, that she's finding things to occupy her time, buying new clothes, etc..

And last but not least, I'm afraid of not being able to attract my wife again. I know this sounds silly, but that's how I feel. Everything happened so naturally when we met, and now I'm "planning". How can this work?

My wife and I met each other online, and spent 2 months chatting and knowing each other before we physically met. Will this approach also work now? It might give me some time until I sort out my body and mind.

Thank you so much again, regards.

Fear is driving you.......



and no it is not silly......

however

you need to face it.

So......

What if you do not attract your W back???

What then??

Does life end???

Will the Sun stop coming up in the morning??

Will you live the rest of your days on this earth in utter despair and loneliness????

Picture that in your minds eye......may be painful at first.....

but really imagine what you would do next.......

ENVISION IT.

What next........

When you envision and can clearly see what life would be like without your W forever.........

then your path will become clear.

This is the path to becoming the person that ANY WOMAN including your W would be attracted to.

This is not easy, I know.

You have to go to the place that you do not WANT to go to.

But it will save YOU!!!!

I see now, thank you MHL. I need to face my fears of the future. The fact that I always had a partner since my late teens doesn't mean that my life will end if I end-up alone. It will just be a different life. I don't feel that yet, but I will, because I value life and happiness. And because time was always a good healer for me.

Thank you very much.

When you face your fear and conquer it, I doubt you will be alone. May be with your wife may be someone else that is lucky enough to find you.

Cheers

Wisdom. ^^^


Starsky

Thank you very much guys, your contributions were really important.

I've decided that I need to talk with my wife. But we've been for so long (6 weeks) without talking, that I don't know the best way to approach her.

4 years ago we met online, and before we physically met we fell in love with each other through Messenger chatting. Do you think this might be a good initial way of contact now, before we have a chat over the phone or meet for a drink?

Any other suggestion?

Thank you, regards.

Lonely,

I am going to give you my opinion here and it is only MY OPINION.

I do not think that text and email work for heartfelt, emotional, and important conversation.

I advocate and use email and text to distance myself my XW....

Why do I do this????

It is impersonal, no emotion, it is factual, it is dry, and most importantly I do not get drawn into her BS.

The other thing about text and email is that so much can be misread into what is written.

I am sitting front row to a reconciliation that happened straight from these boards, they are your age and really embrace the technology thing which I do too.....

however

I can tell you that this person from these boards has gotten himself all worked up time and time again b/c of something his W wrote in a text that he took out of context or thought that the text had some other meaning. I continually beat him over the head on this form of communication......(I hope you are reading this Kemper )

Text and email may work for setting up a meeting.....and I would suggest coffee or lunch......no dinner, no walking in the park and keep a time limit on it, remember you are a busy MAN. YOU are out conquering the world for the woman that will be your partner in life. YOU are going to PROVIDE for YOURSELF FIRST so that you may be able to PROVIDE for her next.

Make sense??? Got the mindset.

Do not go into this with a mindset to fix what is wrong....

Just keep it casual and keep it focused on her, what she is doing, what is going on with her. You are upbeat and happy, ALWAYS.

Just imagine that you have a very important meeting with Warren Buffet and he is going to give you a big fat check for all the hard work you have been doing and you only have a little while to spend with her.

YOU are happy about getting the check, you are happy about your job, you are happy about your new friends, you are happy about your new clothes, you are happy about running a marathon, you are happy about your new hobby, you are just soooo F@CKING HAPPY!!!!!

Notice you are already happy about all that other stuff......she is just window dressing......if she wants some of that happiness then it would suit you fine to have her join you.......if she doesn't there is a line of women just waiting for the chance to be with you.

Now that is a fantasy.......but it definitely is the mindset you have to have.........and you do need to work towards whatever goals you have set for YOURSELF. I did and when I started accomplishing those goals......I WAS HAPPY!!!!


If I were you I would shoot her a text or email.

Hey W, How is it going? I discovered a great little coffee shop at _________ . It is great and I thought that you might like it. Would you like to meet at this time on this date for a cup of coffee.

Remember, you are a busy man......you can not really accomodate her schedule.....you set the date, you set the time and stick to it. If she can't make it so be it, let it go and be prepared that you will not be having coffee or otherwise meeting her for at least another 4 weeks.

Go into this with the mindset that it will not happen and what it will be like on the backside.

In otherwords, she is going to decline and I will not have contact with her for at least 4 weeks afterwards.

This is called not having EXPECTATIONS.

This stuff will take TIME.

If she says yes but not at that time then say how about next week at the same time? Remember you are busy, you have a LIFE and you have things to do, places to go and people to see.

If you cave in and meet her schedule you are telling her that you are sitting around doing nothing waiting for her to change her mind about you.........BTW, that is exactly what you have been doing.........sound a little pathetic.......change it!!

Get your a$$ up and do something.......another wise poster here has a saying......"Don't Stand Still" (nickel to fisherman)

Hope this helps.

Happy Little Friday!!!

Cheers