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I find it funny (not really) how I had dang near begged my wife to sit down and settle the division of assets prior to mediation. I explained it would be cheaper than paying three lawyers to battle this out. When we did try one time, she would just get angry and tell me she was through talking, so I would just get up and leave. I will tell you that I did try everything in my power to do the right thing regardless if I want to be divorced or not.

The reason I mentioned above was because I received a couple texts from W last night. Here is exactly what she sent.

W: Thank u 4 ur generosity thus far. I would like 2 ask the girls who they want 2 live with & save the time & money of custody battles. Can we get 2 gether & do that?

M: I didn’t respond.

An hour later I got this.

W: come on dude! We both love our kids with all of or hearts. If we can show them we can still get along no matter what their decision, we’ll all b better off! K?

M: I didn’t respond.

I don’t like texting and I don’t like writing like I am a teenager.

D17 picked up D12 yesterday afternoon because she was upset her mother told her she had to choose where she wanted to live. After I got home from work I talked with D12 and told her that she didn’t have to choose and she could love her mom and myself equally. I really don’t think that it is a good idea to put that much pressure on a child. After I reassured D12 she didn’t have to choose between her mom or I she said her mom kind of got mad and said if I break up with the OM would you live with me? D12 said you don’t have to breakup with OM just know I will never like him. W got irritated and quit talking to D12 at that point. I am having a hard time with all the pressure my W is putting on D12, I don’t like the guilt trips or pressure. I really have no idea how to handle this situation any help would be appreciated.

I had really hoped for some input from anyone.

This is what I have decided I should send back to my wife.

W I don't feel it is in our kids best interest to make them choose who they should be living with between their mother or father. As parents yes, we need to get along and give total support for what is best for both our girls. I don't think it's a good idea to put them on the spot and try and force them to make choices that would be difficult for anyone, even an adult.

I also know that we both love our children with all of our hearts. I am having a difficult time understanding why you would want to make the girls pick a parent. I couldn't imagine trying to pick between my dad and mom if they had gone through something like this.

I informed my lawyer that I refuse to hurt the girls and I refuse to put them in a spot that makes them choose one parent over the other. My lawyer told me the best way to settle this is to go through a child custody evaluation and let the court decide. Yes, it's a long and expensive process and I am going to place my kids wellbeing above money or anything that could be damaging to them throughout their life.

I know each of us have a little different prospective as to what is best for the girls and as you said Friday in mediation you are unwilling to compromise when it comes to the girls. I am willing to try and come together on a plan that is in the best interest of our children and I am going to be firm on what I feel is best for them.

I would like some input. I know this is a difficult sitch and I am up for any advise on wether I should send this or not.

Sem,

Man, I feel for you on this. I think you lawyers idea is a good one.

The letter is well thought out and I think would work with a logical person. Is your wife still a logical person?

I did not have to go through this with my two boys, while we were seperated we simply did every other week with them.

I hope that someone with a little more experience in this can come along and give you some personal insights.

Heres some input FWIW,

W, I don't feel It is my opinion that it is NOT in our kids best interest to make them choose who they should be living with, between either their mother or father. As parents yes We adults need to get along and give total support for what is best for both our girls daughters. I don't think It is not a good idea to put them on the spot and try and force them to make choices that would be difficult for anyone, even an adult.

I also know that We both love our children with all of our hearts. I am having a difficult time understanding why you would want to make the girls our daughters be forced to choose between us. a parent. I couldn't imagine trying to pick between my Dad and Mom. if they had gone through something like this.

I informed my lawyer that I refuse to hurt the girls and I refuse to put our daughters them in a spot that makes forces them choose one parent over the other. My lawyer told informed me the best way to settle this is to go through a child custody evaluation and let the court decide. Yes, it's a long and expensive process and I am going choosing to place my kids well-being above money or anything that could be damaging to them throughout their life and I choose this process.

I know each of us have a little We have different perspectives as to what is best for our children.for the girls. and as You said Friday in mediation you are unwilling to compromise when it comes to them. girls.
I am willing to try and come together work on a mutually agreeable plan that is in the best interest of our children. and I am going to be firm on what I feel is best for them this.


I do not know if you should send this or not. Others may have different opinions.

I have edited your message to be more declarative. Hope that helps.

Jack, I don’t think my wife is being logical at this point. All I see is her mad at every decision I make regardless if it is in her best interest or not. I think I am thinking logically and most everyone that knows where I stand thinks I am doing what is best for the girls. My D17 is getting a lot of pressure from her mom to move back in before the custody battle starts. I asked D17 point blank last night if she felt I was doing this for all the right reasons. She believes I am doing what’s best. My wife can say anything she wants about me and she has no idea what my actual goals are in life. I know that our girls just need some stability in life and my goal is to make that happen.

Scylla, I like how you edited my note and I am still debating if I should send it or not. I am leaning toward sending your version out today and I really appreciate your help. You have been at this for way longer than I have and wisdom is best any day of the week.

I must tell everyone that my D17 and her boy friend have been on and off for the last couple weeks so last night I sat them both down as they were in another squabble that I was just tired of hearing. I actually think I just DB the relationship they have and it makes me proud. Sometimes kids need advice even if they think they are smarter than everyone else. All I will say is I made them think before they speak. It’s funny if they would read a book instead of just reading text messages and face book drama, they would both enjoy life so much more.

I know that I can’t save my marriage at this point and really it doesn’t matter. I know that if I keep my head held high and keep doing the right things she might eventually notice. Heck I don’t think we have even made it to the 7th inning stretch at this point. I have nothing better to do with my life other than be the best dad and man possible. Will she ever see me as that man? At this point it doesn’t matter, I already know I am the better choice. So my thoughts for everyone reading this is, no matter how your spouse views you now, always be ten steps ahead of them with a smile that would brighten a 100 cities. You know it’s just life don’t take it so seriously!

Glad I can help Seminole.
I wanted to insure you came off sounding strong and manly.


Amen brother, amen.
I'm in that same place. My marriage is as dead as roadkill on the highway of life.

If he wants me back, he knows where I am. If he wants to return, he's going to have to decide that the hard work on HIMSELF is worth it for HIMSELF and our kids, because I won't take him back without him addressing his "stuff".
If he's happy being a part-time Dad, working insanely, and living the life of a virtual hermit ( from my POV and what I observe) that's his choice too.

If he has absolutely no interest in the woman I've become and am still becoming, well that's his loss. My kids and my immidate family have already benefitted from my changes.

(((Seminole)))

I sent the E-mail that Scylla edited and I got this as a response today.

As their parents, I feel it is best for us to decide what is right for our children, not a judge or strangers. As for D17, it may work to have split custody until her child is born. D12 is still needing stability. Splitting week to week is not healthy, and I do not think it will work for her at all. I've been more than generous and flexible for you to have more time with them whenever you or they so choose. Let's decide to call the divorce final as of tomorrow. Are you going to delay this until September?

This is what I sent her back today.

This is not about delaying the divorce we will be divorced tomorrow at 9:00 AM as you wish, we will just have to wait until September on the custody to be decided unless we agree today. I was told by my lawyer that the Judge is all about the kids and what is best for them, I am confident he will put the children’s best interests first. I have spoken to both of our daughters individually and together, they are the ones that are needing both of their parents involved in their lives. I know both girls need stability and that is my goal as their father.



I have never complained about your fairness as far as letting D12 stay with me. I can't predict the future of how things will turn out, nor can you. Our daughters love us both equally and I don't ever want to make them choose, because it is something I believe will hurt them. This is about what is fair for our children in a difficult situation. There are no winners when a family splits, we both need to step up and do what is best for the children as parents. The girls have told me they would like equal time custody and I agree with them that it would be fair all the way around and it would provide stability. I remain firm on my decision.

I sent that without asking for guidance on this forum because it really is my feelings at this point. I might not be a great word smith but I think my point is clear. I would like any input that you might have. Yes my marriage is over tomorrow and I am a little nervous but I believe I am heading in the right direction. I don't know how I am going to react tomorrow but I hope I can be as positive as any of us going through this crap.

Life will be better with each day.

Interesting that you can be D prior to custody being resolved. That could make things difficult, although I don't know how things work where you are.

All things considered, that custody is still being arranged, then my opinion is you responded perfectly.

Strangers DO have the kids best interest at heart and in fact have data to back up the reasons for how they determine custody.

Without an outside decision, your W could use your kids against you...

Your letter to your W could not have been anymore perfect and up to the point. Very well written. I am definitely taking down notes for me to use when my time comes.

Sorry that the D is finally here. But as they say here, D is never the finality.
Take care.

Five and a half hours until the big D I can say I am not excited but I couldn't stop this train wreck. This is the first sleepless night I have had in a while but it will be better soon. My mind is racing tonight and the worst part hasn't even begun. I start a custody battle in seven days that could be much more stressful than the D has been. I don't wish this sh!t on anyone.