Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis I think I'm done.

you will figure it out
somehow things just begin to happen and we get out of the limbo world
life pushes us along when the work is totally done
I had a dream a while ago about a beautiful place crispy sky clear beach well mannered paople dressed nicely
I was in a swamp in the dream with snakes tall weeds and mud..I knew the beach was my awakening (out of limbo) was I wasnt there yet.I still had some swamp to get through
I finally made it to that beach and as I look back to the swamp I am so grateful for my time there as well
I needed it for the shift internally
peace

Well I've been away for a while. I write for work and frankly spending more time on the keyboard is infuriating. Besides, I am supposed to be GAL-ing.

What I've realized while away is that I am in no way detached. I spent Independence Day in a 3 hour yelling match over the phone. Irony, anyone?

What is clear is that she is tired of sneaking around. She wants it over with. I guess we agree on something. I don't like the sitch I'm in. What has been frustrating is that the few times I've actually not gone to church on Saturday night; going out with groups of friends, a camera phone finds me and some jealous b*tch sends the snap to W. It is taken out of context. Angry calls ensue, pulling me out of detachment.

I showed up on FB in a hug between two female friends that she knew and she knows are married. Suddenly, I'm as bad as she is. Or worse, I don't mean what I'm saying. I'm not serious. Nearly two years of pious living and a FB hug destroys it all. This town is way too small. If anyone cares to host me for a couple beers without the feeling of big brother looking over my shoulder, I would be enormously grateful. I'll supply the beer.

I'm not a rockstar, but at my height, I'm hard to miss. I don't sneak around well - unlike ...well nevermind.

Uhhh...

Crushed, hang up when she starts yelling. And when she calls back, tell her you'll unplug the phone next time unless she can talk to you nicely.

Doesn't seem like you're the one having a problem with 'dettachment', seems like she can drag you from it...but that's if you let her.

LOL, what year is this?

Oh...yeah.

I forgot I'm one of the exceptions to the rule of needing to be at the beck and call of anyone or everyone. : )

You can always 'block' her number.

Ok, in my failure to detach, I have given consideration to my future and I need to make some changes. I am looking for advice here. I wrote the following letter in order to begin separating myself from W and my sitch, but I'd be OK if it exacted a pound of flesh as well. OM has had no consequences, and the fallout from this letter could create some. I intend to send it to his supervisors. I'd appreciate any thoughts.

"The purpose of this letter is to alert you to the conflict of interest and professional misconduct exhibited by a morally corrupt representative of your company, S.C. His behavior is directly contrary to the “fair, ethical and respectful treatment” referenced in the Client Relationship Guide.

Mr. C is engaging in a sexual relationship with his client, my wife. I hope you will not dismiss this letter as an emotional missive by a jilted spouse. The anger resulting from the disclosure of the affair has long passed. Rather, my concern is that in a divorce scenario, where all retirement assets are bifurcated into equal portions and distributed to each spouse, Mr. C will have managed my assets without regard for my financial or personal well-being. Moreover, I would contend that during his term as vendor representing your company, he intentionally and willfully undermined my relationship with my wife and by extension; purposefully impaired my financial condition.

It seems that following his own divorce he needed to further demonstrate his apparent disdain for the institution of marriage. The origin of the emotional affair lasting months; perhaps years can be contested, however the continuing physical affair which began in September 2009 cannot. Providing tangible evidence of the affair is beyond the scope of this letter, but it does exist. My wife had no alternative but to speak with Mr. C while performing in her role as XXX. She would have had no occasion to meet him outside the duties of her position. Unfortunately, your representative exploited his role as “advisor” to gain access to my wife and advance his personal agenda.

The difficulty of sustaining a viable marriage is well-known. I take responsibility for my contribution to the troubled state of my relationship. I concede that there are no innocents in this scenario save for my young children, but Mr. Cs persistence and continued presence has precluded any discussion of reconciliation.

I do not seek any specific action in conjunction with this letter. I intend simply to make you aware of the impropriety of your representative. However, should a divorce settlement result in the acquisition of assets supplied by Mr. C, the pursuit of reparations is warranted."

Heh. It's tough texting with the rotary dial I have too.

Seriously, I stopped answering the phone and she went online, dug up the phone records (we stupidly still share an account) and called at 3am everyone I called or texted that night to demand answers to the questions I refused to answer.

Blocking her number is tough because of the kids. We unfortunately must maintain some level of contact.

CNS,
Wow, I will have to say that in the hundreds if not thousands of threads I have read here the capacity for anger that your wife holds is only rivaled by that of Eric's wife and I don't mean to say that as a snarky or comical remark, however if you or anyone else gets a chuckle out of it then I am sure Eric won't mind.

I guess some of them never let it go, could just be part of who they are also.....I mean that some people just are "hot blooded". I am dating one now......it is not a problem because I go into the relationship knowing and I accept it.

I know you have endure much and the fact that she is pointing the finger at you for moving on or getting a life just shows how unhappy she truly is.......I mean really if she was so happy with her OM then would she really care???? It is more about blame for the downfall of the marriage, she knows she is responsible for her decisions and her affair but it is a blantant attempt to "level the field".

I would say that you are still entangled with her more than is neccessary to raise your kids as divorced parents. I know you still have pain and it is okay, I don't think it ever goes away for good, it just gets further and farther inbetween.

Let that be your goal.

As far as the letter goes.......I will say that it is very well written. I am having a hard time being objective on it even though I know that it only will feed your unattachment.....meaning you will be looking for the results of your letter after you send it.

That being said..........I would love to see the f@cker loose his job.

Don't send it, I am not going to hit you with 2X4's just reinforce what you have already said that you need to work on.

Hang in there......it gets better......when you let it.

Cheers

Thanks MHL. Sadly, you are correct. My W holds a level of anger that even I am surprised by at times. Much of this originates from her parents' separation, I'm convinced. The anger pervaded our M and I chose to walk away rather than address it. This led to the downfall. She felt unsupported. I was tired of her uncompromising anger and control.

I am aware of my detachment failures. I am soon to get a new phone, so no more monitoring for her. This has been a temptation she can't avoid. Perhaps it will help. But, as many know, having children amps the detachment challenge to the max.

I'm not sure about the letter. My new strategy may be to confront him with it; having no intention of sending to his bosses. I'll let him out himself. Then he flails at me and I respond by dismembering him with his staple remover. At least that's the fantasy. Justifiable homicide by office products.

Hope you're well.

I'm afraid that is all that will be seen by anyone that reads it...



I dunno C&S....you state above "to begin"...

I think you have already begun, matter of fact, more than begun to distance.....

Maybe this is like that extra booster rocket they put on the space shuttle when they launch it...

Just a little extra anger to push you a little further down that road ?

I'm not saying I disagree with anything written in the letter....

I'm just wondering the motivation behind it.