Left for work had a dental appointment. Received a message asking if it went ok. Cheerfully reponded that it did. Then got a couple more just seeing how I was doing. Always cheerfully responded. Around lunch time she wrote to me to apologize for not sending lunch. I told her not to worry since I still had the previous days lunch in the fridge. We joked around on text a little bit more. She asked when I was coming home and asked if we could go out to run errands together. I said sure.
I was a little bit apprehensive during the drive back. Things were a little awkward, but we got into the swing of things right away. We kept joking and playing around, she made me a wonderful dinner, then we went out to explore our new surroundings. While at a store she suggested we get some condoms. (because the change in medications, and all the stuff going on with her system we thought it be a better idea to protect against pregnancy).
It was nice to know she reopened that window. One thing I did notice was that she wasn't wearing her wedding band. Was a little disappointed, but what can I say Im happy she still wants to stay. It's nice that things aren't awkward or downright down, and that we continue to have that wonderful chemistry that bonds us closer and closer. Yes I know there is symbolism involved, but I'm glad she's still here, and not "here, but emotionally checked out".
Don't know yet if she'll sleep on the couch or not, but I did notice that she moved the bedsheets I covered her with back into the bedroom. Gives me hope she'll come back, but I don't know that yet. If she doesn't not going to make a big deal or acknowledge it. I need to let her come back on her own.
I also made a point to myself to not hint at ml even after having bought stuff for it. I appreciate the gesture, but I guess for the time being she needs to initiate. It's night here, I hope she decides to come back to our bed.
My take on the 5LL is that we tend to fall in love with people who make us feel loved in our LL's. Finding someone who really makes us feel loved is a rare thing. Once we feel truly loved, it is something that is really hard for us to leave.
This of course assumes that we are mature enough to realize that not everyone in the world will make us feel as loved and that leaving the person who makes us feel loved may mean that we never find another person who will make us feel loved.
I believe that unconditional love is a very powerful building block for a good marriage, if both people understand how rare it is. For me GAL and feeling like I was becoming a complete and integrated man, allowed me the freedom of opening my heart and loving my wife unconditionally and recognizing that she might not love me back. Ultimately, she decided (with the help of a good sex therapist) that I was a very good man, one who showed her daily how much he loved her, and that she would probably never be able to find one as good as me (if she tried at all). It was then that she started to put her heart into rebuilding our marriage.
My suggestion is that at some point you will need the help of a skilled marriage counselor (preferrably a certified sex therapist) for your wife to talk/argue/reason her way into realizing that she too needs to work at building the relationship. My wife needed someone who pushed her to realize things my wife didn't want to think about. It was important that it wasn't me and that my wife felt I was on "her side" in her self discovery process. I was the one who took her out to dinner and listened to her complain about how the sex therapist was pushing her too hard. I was the one who held her when she cried from being emotionally overwhelmed.
Rebuilding a marriage is all about a series of small steady steps over a long period of time. Good luck to you and your wife. Remember that it will be a roller coaster. Crying is fine, real men do have emotions and do cry.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
... We joked around on text a little bit more. She asked when I was coming home and asked if we could go out to run errands together. I said sure.
...We kept joking and playing around, she made me a wonderful dinner, then we went out to explore our new surroundings. While at a store she suggested we get some condoms. (because the change in medications, and all the stuff going on with her system we thought it be a better idea to protect against pregnancy).
...It was nice to know she reopened that window.
...One thing I did notice was that she wasn't wearing her wedding band. Was a little disappointed, but what can I say
...Don't know yet if she'll sleep on the couch or not
....Gives me hope she'll come back, but I don't know that yet. If she doesn't not going to make a big deal or acknowledge it. I need to let her come back on her own.
I also made a point to myself to not hint at ml even after having bought stuff for it. I appreciate the gesture, but I guess for the time being she needs to initiate. It's night here, I hope she decides to come back to our bed.
I am so glad the roller coaster is in a happy place at the moment.
As to the condom's that was her saying she loves you and that she wants the two of you to be responsible. (Very mature on her part very traditional values on her part.) Even if they aren't put to use right away, she is telling you that she loves you and views you as "her" sexual partner, focus on that.
As to the wedding ring, don't read too much into it. It could be her fingers are swollen and she is afraid of not being able to get it off.
My wife no longer wears her engagement ring and that makes me feel bad. She says is because after over 40 years, it is so worn that she is afraid of the diamond falling out and the band wearing through and falling off. I have offered to take it to a jewler to be rebuild, but she says that would ruin it and its symbolic importance to her. Her not wearing it still upsets me, but I have learned to live with it and tell myself that she has reasons she doesn't and I should just focus on other things.
As to waiting for her to initiate, I would be careful, but there are things that you can do.
The most important thing is to understand that she is probably really confused about sex with you and she is probably as afraid of it not going well as you are, maybe more so. It is critical that you not express anger to her about a lack of sex or her refusing to respond to any attempt by you of initiating sex.
While rejection hurts, you need to be above that for the time being. You need to show her love (in my opinion) and not demand from her either physical or emotional love, but accept the gifts of love she gives you and let her know that her jestures of love are appreciated.
There is nothing wrong with you holdering her, touching her in a loving and comforting way and if she responds indicating that you would enjoy loving her physically. If the two of you get playful, you can even in a low-key teasing way ask out if she would like to try out the new drugstore toys the two of you purchased. Keeping it low-key and not emotionally threatening may be important to her.
Of couse all this advise is just my projecting my experience on your situation. Your situation is different. What will work or not work for your wife is for you and her to determine. Good luck to the both of you. I wish you the best.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
YAH I appreciate the optimism, but the ring I got her actually wasn't fitting before because of the weather so she had been wearing another on on her ring finger. The fact she didn't wear it the night after the fight, tells me she is still harboring some resentment. Furthermore she never made it to bed, last night. So while she is trying to not pick a fight, she's not exactly happy either.
Either way I expect this, I just hope it doesn't last long. Based on what I have seen it will take an event to get her to wear her band and move back into bed. I think I know her enough to know that time alone won't heal those wounds.
That being said we still don't know what the terms of our M are. Not sure if she knows what she wants the terms to be. Me being a guy my method is to lay down all the options and see what we can live with, and compromise. She on the other hand I can tell is trying to live through the options and seeing what will work for her.
I guess I'm getting to the point where I don't care anymore and will just let her see where she wants this to go. Based on her actions and words I can tell the idea is interesting to her, but she is still unsure. So I guess I need to back down and see what she does, hopefully it'll be something we can live with.
So I guess I need to back down and see what she does, hopefully it'll be something we can live with.
gb90,
Why is she -- the one who is the LEAST emotionally healthy right now, and the one who largely DOESN'T have the marriage's best interests at heart -- driving the bus here on this?
I see as us more as two cars on the same road. I think she wants to end up in the same destination as me. Let's call it happily ever after. We just can't seem to agree on what route to take to get us BOTH there together. I want to sit down with a map and plan the route out. (a very guy thing to do). She seems to want to take a quick look at the routes in person (without necessarily taking them) until she finds one she wants to take.
I decided to put my map away and wait to see what route she wants to take. If I think it's a route I like or I can live with, then I'll join her. If it's not I'll just have to take my own separate route.
All I know is that I want to get to the destination together. I just hope she picks a good route we can both enjoy.
I could on the other hand "throw her on the bus" and drive myself, but if I do that she'll just try to run away at the next gas stop. In other words go WAW.
Like many have said before I can't make her decisions for her.
My suggestion -- based on your analogy and what I've seen work for others, g/b -- is to plan your own trip, and head off down your own road, not peeking over your shoulder constantly to see if she's following you.
Seeing what route she wants to take isn't your concern now, sad to say. You need to be strong and LEAD, and show her the pat. But you can neither force her to take it, nor should you sit around waiting to see what road SHE wants to take. Plan a full, happy, emotionally healthy and rewarding life without her, and begin to live it. It's the BEST chance people have to re-attract a wayward spouse.
I had been working on chronicling the last few days then I lost the post before I could finish. So here goes again.
I had quite a rollercoaster of a weekend, thought about posting multiple times, but stopped myself each time, by just telling myself that I could handle it on my own. Which I did. This website has been a great help, but it's time to stop using it as a crutch. That being said I do plan to continue journaling, and seeking advice during hard times.
Well for those that remember we had a bad fight on Wednesday with W. She wanted to go back to working on us, while simultaneously seeking OW's. She hadn't been sleeping in bed, although we had bought some condoms, just in case things happened between us.
Well on Thursday night she came back and got in bed besides me, I was very happy, but tried to act cool. She said is it ok if I sleep here? I said yes of course. She then revealed one of the condoms we bought together, and we ml. She slept in the bed afterwards. The next morning she made a delicious breakfast, but was acting a bit odd. I eventually asked if she was ok. Her response was: this is so hard to tell your husband. I tried to be cool, and talked to her. Eventually she told me she wanted to make plans for the weekend with a girl.
The statement didn't catch me too off guard, I wasn't even that surprised tbh. I told her it was no problem and I hoped she had fun. She found my response a little puzzling, and asked if I was ok. I told her I was fine with it as long as I was still the first priority in her life. She said I was, and to not worry since "there is a 90% chance nothing will happen". I told her it was no problem, we held each other and kissed. Left for work, not too concerned really.
Near the end of the day she sends me a text telling me to hurry home because she was in the mood. I do but she no longer was. Either way we fooled around a little, and I went to do some errands when I got back i took a nap she woke me up to tell me she was in the mood after all. We ML, afterwards she felt very comfortable sharing things with me and let me know that the girl canceled. She felt a little rejected and I tried to cheer her up. The rest of the weekend was fairly tame. The biggest thing was that our car we just bought used broke down. So I was worried about getting fixed and money. Long story short we had a big fight about money, punctuated with her saying "I guess I'll just trick a guy into paying for my things!" I saw this as just another variation of the "will do porn to help with the bills" tactic.
Confronted her about it, told her how disrespectful it was, and how I did not appreciate or would tolerate it. It wasn't an angry confrontation, we did a lot of hard work and made progress. Apparently she got it into her head that whenever I worry about money, her saying something outrageous would get me to snap out of it, and I'd fix everything. She claimed that she always noticed I snapped out of it.
I told her it was far from the contrary and that it just added to my stress for her to say such things. Instead I told her I wanted compassion and support not a threat. She mentioned again that it was hard for her to show compassion, because her mother was like that with her. By this point things had cooled down, and I jokingly said: "I thought you didn't want to be like your mother!". She got upset, but in a playful kind of way.
So yeah don't know what to say. I know some may say I am enabling her, and in some ways I am. I don't think either of us knows how this marriage will play out, except that we love each other's company. She is no longer actively WAW, although still insists in exploring her sexual identity. Frankly I'm not too bothered by it. I can tell she herself is unsure as to how far she can go.
I haven't shown any interest to her in searching OP's to her, and at this point it just seems like more work than fun. I can also tell she herself is unsure so in the case she decides she does not want to, itd be pretty awkward if I had. Maybe if this is something we both agree is good, I'll search for an OP. Right now it's just too early to tell what path we'll take so I'll do the one with the least irreversible consequences.
Well on Thursday night she came back and got in bed besides me, I was very happy, but tried to act cool. She said is it ok if I sleep here? I said yes of course. She then revealed one of the condoms we bought together, and we ml. She slept in the bed afterwards. The next morning she made a delicious breakfast, but was acting a bit odd. I eventually asked if she was ok. Her response was: this is so hard to tell your husband. I tried to be cool, and talked to her. Eventually she told me she wanted to make plans for the weekend with a girl.
The statement didn't catch me too off guard, I wasn't even that surprised tbh. I told her it was no problem and I hoped she had fun. She found my response a little puzzling, and asked if I was ok. I told her I was fine with it as long as I was still the first priority in her life.
Wow.
I wish you luck, g/b, and wish I could help, but I don't do "cuckold."
I will say this: as long as this is your stance, you can expect to continue to get more of the same from your wife, and I'm really not sure why you're posting here, other than to vent.
