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Lonely...

Just my 2 cents, but 

I think your wife is getting mad because when you say "well that's everything... Thanks" she is no longer in control of you.  It shows her that you are moving forward and not "waiting on her". That makes it difficult for her because now she has to face the very real possibility of losing you.  So I see that as a good sign.  It tells me that she may be starting to have second thoughts about her escape plan, and fear that you could move on.  To reinforce what Sandi said... Don't be afraid to date, (friendship... Flirting... You don't have to do anything you are not comfortable with,,, just play single for a while) you are a single man now.  You are living your life, it's not fair for you to be lonely.  Yes, your stbxw may be jealous, she  probably still has very real feelings and may realize them when she sees you with someone else, but that's not the goal of GAL, it may be an added benefit though.  (You should be clear with anyone you are seeing that for now you just want friendship so as not to lead them on),  You need to show by your actions that you are OK, even if you are not.  I am sure she will notice the difference.  Don't flaunt other women under her nose, she will discover that on her own, and that's how it needs to happen otherwise it looks insincere.  And i think what Sandi is saying is that, as hard as it is, your stbxw needs to realize her true feelings, and even when or if she does you need to play "hard to get" so that she "yearns" for you.  

This is also good advice for me to follow, my sitch is a little different because I am still living in the same house with my wife.  She does not get the chance to miss me because I am home morning and night.  That's why I am glad she is leaving to visit her parents for 9 days.  I will be GAL while she is gone.  I will establishing new friendships with single people and I will not be home to take her calls if or when she calls.  

In the end.  The one thing I have read over and over here is that you can't fake GAL.  GAL is not a trick, it is a coping mechanism for you to live through this tough time...  

I guess Carpe Diem, would describe it best!

Good luck friend!

How's that Sandi?

Tonight has been a tough night.

Had to go to the house to pick up some more stuff. Saw the wife for about 2 minutes. Said hi, then nothing else. I am just to upset right now to say much else.

This experience is changing me. When I drove up, I pretended I was on my cell phone laughing it up with someone. As soon as I got back into my truck to leave, I grabbed the phone and acted like I called someone back to continue our previous discussions, smiling and laughing. She was out front and could see everything. I just wanted to give the impression that I am gaining new friends. I can't believe how infantil it was looking back on it. She seemed down and not happy.

I also need to stop looking at her FB. I know, bring on the 2x4's. I just cannot help it. She sent a message to her cousing stating that at her visit to her gynocologist yesterday, that the doctor hit on her, and she wanted to know what her cousin thought. She did not state what her feelings were. Since I have moved out and she took off her ring, the kids dentist and her gynacolgist have both hit on her. I wonder who else.

I know I shouldn't let this bother me. Hell, I shouldn't be looking at her FB. It just causes pain. Still......It just drives me crazy. I am fighting every instinct to call her. I want to confront her, but know that nothing good will come from it. Can I just scream really loud.....

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGG!!!

I still don't fell that much better. Ok, maybe a little.

She also stated how lonely she feels, especially how her family and friends live so far away. Remember, she is from Chile, and does not have any family or friends that she grew up with here in the United States.

I also have been wondering something. I know a person that used to work at the same company as I do. I asked a mutual friend for her phone number. The friend asked her if it was ok to give me her phone number. She stated that she was excited to hear from me. I was her manager for about 5 years. She left because she got a better job about 2 years ago. I would like to call her, but I feel guilty until the divorce is final. The other part of me says why should I wait to move on. What do you think? The divorce could take a few more weeks. We are just waiting for the judge to sign off on everything.

AAAAARRRRRGGGGG!!!!!

The over-analyzing is killing me. Due to my religious beliefs, I have never drank an alcoholic beverage. I wonder if tonight would be a good night to start.

Hmmm



Yet your co-dependent and selfish enough to not heal first and THEN give your all to another relationship?

My advice: Figure yourself out and what YOU want. Don't add to the emotional drama. Be confident, cool, and KNOW what you want. The two quotes from you above are contradiction at it's finest. New relationship? You will become very unattractive.

A man needs to know absolutely what he wants and be firm on how he gets it. Watching your ex while getting external validation is NOT the answer.

and I meant STBX not ex. No edit

A man in control of himself is confident.

Read that ^^^^ again.

Can you move on?

Sure why not?

Until the next one that means just as much as this.

I am not here to tell you whether you should stick this out or not.

Up to you.

What in your life have you learned worth learning that didn't come with determination and a bit (a bit?) of pain and discomfort?

There is a bit more to your life here my friend if you decide to learn it.

Up to you.

Don't mean to hi-jack this.

J1, I'll be the first one to tell you how much I love Sandi's advice. Sincerely, amidst the great people on this board, she has the BEST WAW advice I've ever seen. However, you wrote a GREAT post. DO NOT seek Sandi's approval. Be confident in your words and truth. Have faith in your post. (I did the same thing btw)

If you seek Sandi's approval, you are seeking your W's. My point is BE who you are. No offense brother. I see a lot of you in me. Stay strong.Great post J1. Truly.

I just want to thank everyone for helping me get through this night. I know I have a lot of thinking to do. To be honest, I know what I want, and that is to get back with my wife, but at the same time I'm not sure how long I can wait. My feelings lately have been changing from depression to anger towards the stbxw. This cannot be healthy for ones mind.

This roller coaster of highs and lows is tough. The mood swings can shift at a moments notice with just a smell of some perfume, a glance at a show we watched together, or a thought of how great things used to be. But then I try and force myself to pick out the positives.

I know that I really need to focus on myself right now. Try to become a better person. Some days I just don't feel like it. But I guess that is where courage and strength come in. It is doing what is right even though it is tough. I'm sure that down the road when I look back at this low in my life from a peak in the future, I will be grateful for this experience. I will be a better person, and my family will benefit from this.

I have learned that trials is where an individual grows the most. I guess one cannot truly know what happiness is without understanding sorrow. I believe it also teaches us empathy towards others. Again, thank you brothers and sisters here on the board. You have been a great help. I hope that I can return the favor to others.

Rather than running to the bottle, I decided to do some thinking and studying. There has been something that I have pondered for awhile, and have decided to study it more. I would like to share what I have learned in hopes that it will help someone.

I believe that we can all agree that patience is one of the most important attributes that we can have to get us through these difficult times. It is a must. I also believe that if I had this attribute before, I would not be in this situation in the first place. I regret not having patience whith my children and with my wife. I won't go into details here, but I can imagine most of you know what I am talking about.

Knowing that I need to acquire this attribute, I began a study of it. I have learned that patience is closley related to all important attribute of charity.

1 Corinthians 13 has become one of my most favorite chapters in the bible. Charity is the greatest attribute and give an individual can learn.

v 2 - I am nothing without charity.
v 3 - All other gifts profiteth me nothing if I have not charity.
v 8 - Charity never faileth.
v 13 - Charity is above both Faith & Hope

Charity is defined as the pure love of Christ. Now, how is patience related to Charity. Let's us look at some of the attributes of Charity.

v 4 - 1. Suffereth long ***
2. Is kind ***
3. Envieth not
4. Vaunteth not itself
5. Is not puffed up
v 5 - 6. Doth not behave itself unseemly ***
7. Seeketh not her own
8. Is not easily provoked ***
9. Thinketh no evil
v 6 - 10. Rejoiceth in the truth
11. Beareth all things ***
12. Believeth all things
13. Hopeth all things ***
14. Endureth all things ***

If we look closely, we can see that seven of the forteen qualities of Charity are either patience or requires patience. Look back at the ***. Read them again and ask yourself how these can be applied towards your spouse.

For me, I don't believe that my wife has had a PA. For this I am thankful. I believe the decisions she is making right now are not correct. But I love her, as well as my kids. I need to be empathetic towards her, understand that she is hurting as well, and remember that my kids are 50% me, and 50% my wife. For them, I need to treat her with respect. Her decisions will continue to hurt me until she comes back, if she comes back, but I need to learn to forgive.

The only problem is, knowing this does not make it any easier to do. I pray for patience, both for myself, and for eveyone here on these boards.

Just know that with every day that passes, it does get easier, and forgiveness is the key for YOU

I have a story I would like to share.

It was January of 1996 I was 20 years old, and had been in Santiago, Chile for less than a week. I had arrived to serve a 2 year Mormon mission. The previous 2 months had been spent in a missionary training center learning the doctrine and spanish.

Missionaries pair of in twos to go out and spread the word. I was living in an apartment that housed a total of 6 missionaries. One early morning two sister missionaries knocked on the door looking for two of the Elders (Male Missionaries). As I looked out the window, my heart stoppd. One of the sister missionaries was Chilean, was slim, and had the most gorgeous eyes with the longest eyelashes. I immediately thought to myselfe, if all Chileans look like this, I am going to be in trouble.

The next thought was what am I thinking. I had never had a girlfriend much less kissed a girl up to this point of my life. We as missionaries are also taught to lock up our hearts and devote our efforts to the work for two years. But still, she was gorgeous.

A month later, on a Saturday morning, the sister missionaries asked my companion if we had keys to the chapel. The had some baptisms to perform, but did not have the keys to get into the building. We headed on over and opened up the building.

But we did not have keys to the baptismal font. This sister missionary began speaking to me and pointing at my shoes. I still did not understand a word of spanish, so I took my shoe off and gave it to her. Her eyes just rolled, and with a laugh began taking the shoelace out of my shoe. She then opened the door with the shoelace.

Six months later, I was to meet up with her again. We were both assigned to work in the same neighborhood of the city. By this point I could communicate quite clearly in Spanish. One day she asked if me and my companion wanted to hang out with some other missionaries on P-day.

P-day stands for preparation day. It is one day a week when a missionary has the day off to go shopping, do laundry, and relax. Many times missionaries that had become friends would meet at the local mall, go to a park, go site seeing, or playing cards.

For the next 2 months, I would meet up with about eight missionaries to hang out every Monday, including this sister missionary. We became great friends and had feelings for eachother. After 2 months I was assigned to a different area of the city to work, but continued seeing my friends on Mondays when possible. Looking back on it, I guess it was a form of group dating, even though it was just hanging out.

There was a party for Sister "C" on the last day of her mission before she was scheduled to go home. At one point, we were alone in the kitchen. I gathered the courage to tell her that I had strong feelings for her. She told me the same. I was in heaven. I took her hand in mind. I swear there was a physical electrical shock that went through both of us when this happened. It was a great feeling.

She finished her mission about 8 months before I did, and went home. I soon became very depressed not being able to see my best friend. What was worse, I was loosing focus on the reason why I was on a mission. As missionaries, the only form of communication was mail with family and friends. This included the sister missionary when she went home. We began writing to eachother for awhile.

This all changed. I had about 7 months left on my mission, and I was still depressed. I could only think of her. I knew what I had to do. I knelt down and asked God for the courage of what I was going to do, but also a blessing from him. I prayed to have the strength to break up with her so that I could once again focus on the mission. In return, I asked for the miracle of one day being together with her again in the future. I sent the letter asking her not to write to me anymore with tears in my eyes.

The rest of the mission went great, even though deep down inside I was still hurting. I arrived home December of 1997. The first day back, I pulled out a forgotten piece of paper that had her phone number. I called her. She was suprised that I called. Thus began the 2 year long distance courtship with my wife. It was tough, but I was in heaven, and eternally grateful to my God when we were married October of 1999.