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My w, s, and I went to Palm Springs this Father's Day weekend. IT was nice and we had a great time. Now, it's back here and back to the grindstone. I don't mind working; it's really the fact that I'm back to the same old routine of still trying to save my marriage instead of enjoying it. I just keep praying and doing my best to DB while trying to understand all that continues. I got a funny card for Father's Day from the w. Yes, I was expecting more even though I don't know why. We did enjoy each other's company while in Palm Springs, but now... We'll just have to keep on keeping on. I know God's plans and timing are not our own at times, but it doesn't make this sitch any easier. She hasn't said anything about OM's lawyer appointment. He told her on 1 June that he was going to see a lawyer about his finances and how much he would lose if he left his wife. Granted its only been two weeks, but .... I'm thinking she ate with him today, but I don't know and I really need to stop worrying about anything she does period!! It's just at times, I can't help it. Still have some growing up to do in the DBing life! Hope everyone had a nice weekend. This week will be a long one. God is Great!

Yeah, wife has stopped saying I love you except for after giving me my Father's Day card from her. She is doing more cooking as I have stepped back whenever possible to allow her to do the cooking. She is supposed to cook tonight, but we'll see. She also hasn't called me today and I haven't called her nor do I intend to. I am going to go work out and when she does call, I will pick her up from work and we'll head home. I am trying to realize that I can't stop who she sees, when shes OM, or how often she texts or calls OM. I can only control me and my feelings and I've been getting better at that. I can't say it doesn't hurt ...I cried this morning but I have to keep on keeping on right?!

I've been reading some other posts (e.g., zero, etals.). It saddens me that we are all going through this, but it also helps that we are all going through this. I get such support from reading other posts. I don't think I have much to offer in the helping category, but I want all of you to know that I do find hope and encouragement in reading your posts. I hope to one day be able to offer honest yet unbiased advice that will help and encourage others. The impossible is possible, just bring the tartar sauce when facing your 'Moby Dick' problems.

Well, last night when my wife and I finished watching TV at 8 pm I stated I was going to finish my homework and she had already stated that she was going to bed after the TV show. So, as we got it she was close to me and we kissed goodnight. She stated not to stay up late and to come to bed soon. Nothing was going to happen, but my problem with all of this is that I kissed her. It was just a peck on the lips and I said I love you to which she responded in kind. I did the same thing this morning when I left for work. We drive different vehicles in on Wednesday's because that's my school night. So, this morning, I gave her a quick peck on the lips and said I love you and she responded in kind. I just think I blew it as far as not initiating any kind of affection since she stopped wanting to have sex with me because it would be cheating on OM. I feel like an idiot. It just seemed the way she was standing both times that she wanted to kiss. It wasn't much of a kiss either time though so I guess I'm upset about that too. I should've just walked away from her both times and not even kissed her or said I love you.

Any ideas? Was it okay what I did? I haven't gotten any responses from anyone in awhile so maybe I'm just DBing along and doing what I need to be doing, i.e., GAL. I don't know. I just leave it up to God and just keep saying that He's in control. I'm doing my part now by GAL and helping the Lord help me.

^

You are NOT Doing your part! Don't hide behind your faith and use it as an excuse to remain paralyzed.

Be brave!

Do not confuse "standing for your m" with standing still. THat's what I see you as doing...basically tolerating the intolerable for years...

A real 180 would be filing and getting her out of the house.

When she sees OM staying in his m, even though she's totally free...

well then, some of the lustre might wear off...

you don't have to finalize a div but you have to get off the pot. It's YOU who is undecided.

She's certain of her path (which always looks better in the tragic romantic version since she thinks they are Romeo & Juliette and the world is preventing them from marrying...)

I think she's waiting for you to die or leave OR for OM to leave his w, or for lightning to strike.

She's not looking at you as an option. And she's not getting treatment for her many issues.

Are you?

What are YOU doing to create some mystery about where you go or who you are with?

I have no idea what your son is learning from this, but it isn't healthy and it is not coming from God.

let her go so she feels the "obstacles" have been removed and

will free her to see.....reality...

you prevent that from happening by enabling her

to eat cake and live in her delusion....

how ego boosting to know two men want her...but only one would be married to her...

and if she thought she MIGHT Lose that one...and the other (OM) weren't so available

geez, her fantasy life might have to end...and she might have to cope with real life


and exercise free will....and make a choice

MIL had heart surgery yesterday and is now in a private room to recover. W is leaving Sunday to go and care for her for two weeks. Per advice from 25yearsmic, I have taken more of a GAL stance. I have not told w that I loved her or kissed her anymore since 21 June. W did bring up topic of missing OM last Sunday and that was she was down about mom having to have the heart surgery. I just told her that I needed someone to love me and respect me too and left the room. As I told my SIL yesterday, I don't have time for this 'crap' anymore. I'm going to be happy and I refuse to let her bring me down when she's feeling that way. You're right, maybe I should kick her to the curb and I am hiding behind my faith a little, but I'm also giving my son the best chance at a senior year of high school with a 'balanced' life rather than worrying about who's house or apt to go to for the weekend or watching his parents (mostly mom) self-destruct. You're right, GAL. Well, I'm still going to college (started back in Jan due to this crap) and I've stopped saying I love you and trying to please her every chance I get or that comes along. She's picked up cooking more at home and I don't clean the house unless she helps instead of me doing it all by myself.

I do hear you 25yearsmic and I def respect and appreciate your input. I grow stronger each day and look forward to the day I'm free of this mess one way or the other, but I have to try the DBing first because I didn't the entire 6+ years prior to me starting 29 Apr of this year. Yes, if this doesn't work out by the time he graduates and I get an "oh by the way, I'm leaving you" speech from w then I will know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did EVERYTHING to save my marriage. So when my kids ask us, I can be proud to say "yes, I did everything to try and save our marriage." I put up with a lot of crap, but I stuck it out to the bitter end.

I need your candid feedback and it def helps. I don't kno if u see that in my response here, but it does.

Thank you.

Solution Oriented,

You need to stop letting her treat you like this. You need to get out of the house and interact with your friends. Go out and come home late, make her think about where you have been.

I let my wife walk all over me, i still battle that demon. You need to set some boundaries and stick to them. Dont cave like I have.

First of all, why is she sharing your marriage bed with you when she is in an ongoing affair of 6 years? While she is gone, move her into a spare room. When she gets home, sit her down and talk to her about it.

Validate her feelings for wanting out of the marriage. Tell her its not what you want, but you respect her choices. Tell her that you would prefer to work on your marriage but you understand her wanting of space to figure things out. Let her know that since she doesnt want to work on the marriage, she will be sleeping elsewhere, as your bed is for you and your wife.

You really need to stand up for yourself. Its okay to do that. You have let her do this to you for 6 years. You are a strong individual. Take it to the next level.

Set your boundary, let her see what it feels like not to crawl into your bed and have you wanting her and not being able to have her. She has all the power, you need to reclaim yourself.

I am going to repost the following. Please take the previous advice given to you and print it off and carry it with you. You need to use this tool.

Here's a list of SANDI'S LIST OF RULES FOR DBing....(GB you might want to print this out) and go by this....seriously, it's the most condensed "do's and don't" list available.


I broke it out of the quotes, so you don't have to scroll it. I recommend copy and paste on Word and print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have too.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.

13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.

21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).

27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.

30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.

33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Tank, thanks for the input.

Regarding the going out and not coming back till late is not me. I do go to college every Wednesday (6-10 pm) straight from work and w calls me before class I don't call her.

I can do better by arranging for a coffee with a friend or two so I agree with going out, but not till late at night. That may be my downfall, but one I'll take on the chin if needed.

I have been following steps 1-37 with the following notes.
Step 5 - Wife talks about the future so I talk about it, otherwise I don't bring it up. When w talks about buying a house where we're at I let her talk and I say nothing. In the past before I started DBing I would tell her there's no way I would buy a house with her due to the shape our marriage is in. She would looked surprise and upset...go figure. Anyway, she can 'dream' all she wants but I don't have to say anything.

Step 11: I say "I love you" only after wife says it and then at times I still don't say it. Its up to me and only after she says it. If she doesn't say it neither do I.

Step 20: if she brings up our R then I discuss it with her but haven't done so since 1 June. Other than to ask if there's anything I can do to help her when she's depressed over her sitch. That's her problem now, nothing I can do about it. She has to want to make the changes necessary to feel better, I've realized I can't do that for her.

Step 27: I am working out and keeping busy when able. If we're home on the weekends together then I do yardwork or housework or something to keep me busy and away from her as much as possible. For the most part, that works. I do not, I repeat, DO NOT clean the entire house by myself anymore. I realized that was doing nothing but making my home cleaner. It did not 'change' my wife or bring her closer to me. Was she appreciative? Of course. did it change anything by me doing it all...NO! So, when she mentions cleaning the house now she knows its a two or three-person (when son is required to help) job.

I am trying, Tank, 25yearsmic. I do see your points and I do try to continue to adhere by the list provided to me. I do want my m to be saved. I just finished week 10 of DBing. So, even though this has been ongoing for 6+ years I realized through my MC and the DBing book that I was doing everything wrong during that time. There may have times when I was actually DBing and not knowing it, but for 90% of the 6+ years I was doing everything you shouldn't do. So, DBing for 10 weeks and we'll see where this leads. As I told my MC last week, I am preparing or strengthening myself for what may happen but am still DBing as well because I need to know, myself, that I did all I could should this not work.

As always, thank you for you candid remarks and helpful advice.